for The Blind Element1/9/2008 c5 Islandbreeze
I had to reread the last chapter so I think I've got a handle on what's going on again...reading has sadly taken a backseat recently, and I'm trying to get back into all the reviews I should get too. Anyway, I think this is a good continuation from the last section.
"In an instant he was surrounded by five clones created with water and nature"- comma after instant
"A gasp came from each of the men and the elf’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as Solarian and the five clones were covered in flowing blue metal that hardened into armor as soon as they were completely covered. "- I would break this sentence up; you've got three "and"s in a long sentence, which sounds awkward.
I love the imagery of the thorns piercing them as their death, winding on them. It feels like a morbid reminder of sleeping beauty's briars, the non-disneyized version.
" I guess we should be moving now hmm?”" comma after now
"The pair walked out of the front door into the crowded street earning surprised looks from those who had fled the inn moments before" - I'd put a comma in between street and earning; I'm not sure if it's necessary but you pause there when reading and it sounds better, so I guess it would be a personal choice for you.
Their little bickering over the gnome part was amusing, and forwarded the feeling of the chapter, which was good. Some of the phrases sound a bit out of place, like "what's the deal" in such a non-modern world with historical setting elements. I'd include a reason for why the phrases can be/ are used or just rework it a little.
The elf's explanation was pretty thorough, and I think this is definitely a good place to clue in the readers with a little more info for the story and what's going on. It was a paragraph of speech though; sometimes that works better by breaking it up with little actions to kind of pick up close attention again. Keep on writing!
I had to reread the last chapter so I think I've got a handle on what's going on again...reading has sadly taken a backseat recently, and I'm trying to get back into all the reviews I should get too. Anyway, I think this is a good continuation from the last section.
"In an instant he was surrounded by five clones created with water and nature"- comma after instant
"A gasp came from each of the men and the elf’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as Solarian and the five clones were covered in flowing blue metal that hardened into armor as soon as they were completely covered. "- I would break this sentence up; you've got three "and"s in a long sentence, which sounds awkward.
I love the imagery of the thorns piercing them as their death, winding on them. It feels like a morbid reminder of sleeping beauty's briars, the non-disneyized version.
" I guess we should be moving now hmm?”" comma after now
"The pair walked out of the front door into the crowded street earning surprised looks from those who had fled the inn moments before" - I'd put a comma in between street and earning; I'm not sure if it's necessary but you pause there when reading and it sounds better, so I guess it would be a personal choice for you.
Their little bickering over the gnome part was amusing, and forwarded the feeling of the chapter, which was good. Some of the phrases sound a bit out of place, like "what's the deal" in such a non-modern world with historical setting elements. I'd include a reason for why the phrases can be/ are used or just rework it a little.
The elf's explanation was pretty thorough, and I think this is definitely a good place to clue in the readers with a little more info for the story and what's going on. It was a paragraph of speech though; sometimes that works better by breaking it up with little actions to kind of pick up close attention again. Keep on writing!
1/23/2007 c4 
16Islandbreeze
Hm, fancy that. First person Solarian happens to run into is an elf. And an illegal elf at that. The bounty hunters seem a rough group, I certaintly wouldn't want to be cut into any deal they had going. The elf's power sounds cool though, liked the description of the fire. And suspenseful ending too! It was a short chapter, but continued the story's pacing well I think. This is a good story going. And thanks for your reviews, I'm editing some of it now. Will be back to read more later.
16IslandbreezeHm, fancy that. First person Solarian happens to run into is an elf. And an illegal elf at that. The bounty hunters seem a rough group, I certaintly wouldn't want to be cut into any deal they had going. The elf's power sounds cool though, liked the description of the fire. And suspenseful ending too! It was a short chapter, but continued the story's pacing well I think. This is a good story going. And thanks for your reviews, I'm editing some of it now. Will be back to read more later.
1/23/2007 c3 Islandbreeze
I found this description of his forging fascinating, adding the gems inaccordance with the story and the details of his spear. The imagery was so nicely done, especially when added to the emotion behind his work. Very cool. And then Solarian's way of dealing with the test, especially when the elementals weren't all that supportive. I loved the way this chapter flowed and couldn't find anything really...a couple of setences read a little long, but they weren't bad. Nice job
I found this description of his forging fascinating, adding the gems inaccordance with the story and the details of his spear. The imagery was so nicely done, especially when added to the emotion behind his work. Very cool. And then Solarian's way of dealing with the test, especially when the elementals weren't all that supportive. I loved the way this chapter flowed and couldn't find anything really...a couple of setences read a little long, but they weren't bad. Nice job
1/22/2007 c2 Islandbreeze
Uh oh...nasty precedent in the title!
You need to change the first to say either "emitted.. and broke into the" or "voice, which emitted" because otherwise the syntax doesn't make sense. Solarian's manner of eyesight does sound intriguing, but slightly difficult, and he sounds pretty formidable.
The story that Solarian tells is interesting, and gives a nice picture to the set up you're creating, and how things came to be, but I'd consider breaking it up into smaller paragraphs here as it's a tad hard to read all together and in italics on the computer. Because it is interesting and detailed, readers shouldn't miss that meat. Ooh, and a little reference to the prologue! Connecting the dots here:)
I like how you've portrayed Solarian's determination, and his passion to see this through. it gives clues to his character, and sets up a motive early on. Nice job.
Uh oh...nasty precedent in the title!
You need to change the first to say either "emitted.. and broke into the" or "voice, which emitted" because otherwise the syntax doesn't make sense. Solarian's manner of eyesight does sound intriguing, but slightly difficult, and he sounds pretty formidable.
The story that Solarian tells is interesting, and gives a nice picture to the set up you're creating, and how things came to be, but I'd consider breaking it up into smaller paragraphs here as it's a tad hard to read all together and in italics on the computer. Because it is interesting and detailed, readers shouldn't miss that meat. Ooh, and a little reference to the prologue! Connecting the dots here:)
I like how you've portrayed Solarian's determination, and his passion to see this through. it gives clues to his character, and sets up a motive early on. Nice job.
1/16/2007 c1 Islandbreeze
The very start is interesting in the way it's so personally written, and a little vague as to the fifth's story, which pulls you in. You might want to consider taking out "the torture" in the first sentence since it implies that the telling won't be interesting. I like the way your narrator says he's not ead because it, at least for me, made me wonder why people thought he was and wanted to read on.
Uh oh...poor baby, and his eye sounds intriguing to me. The father sounds very dramatic and invovled in whatever it is he must go forward with, but I wonder how he and the child will meet again because he's sending him away when he hardly will know who he is. I think the idea of the city and aquamage is cool.
The lady sounds pretty well and fierce, can take care of herself, and I'm glad she found the baby and is doing something to protect him, though he seems set on a path of battle and is now alone in the world. The details in this are nice, some of the sentences read a bit long, try adding in some shorter ones here and there for clarity and it can make a nice effect too.
This is a very interesting first chapter, and I'll definitely be reading on later -stupid math:(. Nice job! Keep writing.
The very start is interesting in the way it's so personally written, and a little vague as to the fifth's story, which pulls you in. You might want to consider taking out "the torture" in the first sentence since it implies that the telling won't be interesting. I like the way your narrator says he's not ead because it, at least for me, made me wonder why people thought he was and wanted to read on.
Uh oh...poor baby, and his eye sounds intriguing to me. The father sounds very dramatic and invovled in whatever it is he must go forward with, but I wonder how he and the child will meet again because he's sending him away when he hardly will know who he is. I think the idea of the city and aquamage is cool.
The lady sounds pretty well and fierce, can take care of herself, and I'm glad she found the baby and is doing something to protect him, though he seems set on a path of battle and is now alone in the world. The details in this are nice, some of the sentences read a bit long, try adding in some shorter ones here and there for clarity and it can make a nice effect too.
This is a very interesting first chapter, and I'll definitely be reading on later -stupid math:(. Nice job! Keep writing.
11/14/2006 c3 23SomethingSymbolic15
Please continue!
I regret that I haven't read this story sooner, and I really wish I would've! You have such amazing talent, and you express it wonderfully in your descriptions.
One suggestion, though. While Solarian is doing the six day forgary, why don't you have him thinking about the decition he made about not using his weapons for hate? It kinda just switched on the reader and made it a bit confusing.
Other than that, you have a wonderful, WONDERFUL piece. Pray continue!
Much love and God bless,
W4J
23SomethingSymbolic15Please continue!
I regret that I haven't read this story sooner, and I really wish I would've! You have such amazing talent, and you express it wonderfully in your descriptions.
One suggestion, though. While Solarian is doing the six day forgary, why don't you have him thinking about the decition he made about not using his weapons for hate? It kinda just switched on the reader and made it a bit confusing.
Other than that, you have a wonderful, WONDERFUL piece. Pray continue!
Much love and God bless,
W4J
4/22/2006 c2 17Kinna
Wow, I really would be afraid to be on the opposite side of Solarian. He seems to be similar to a giant unstoppable wave of water.
There were some parts of your writing that could be looked over. For example...
"“Tell me again,” the brooding voice emitted from the corner of the room broke into the conversation between the four others present."
This sentence would make more sense if broke was replaced with breaking. “Tell me again,” the brooding voice emitted from the corner of the room, breaking into the conversation between the four others present.
This sentence below contradicts the sentence right before it in your writing when it says that his eyes were still used for sight, because right before that it said he couldn't use his eyes for sight.
"His hooded eyes were far from useless however; they were the source of his power, and were thus, still used for his sight. With a combination of water and air magic he was able to create a fairly good picture of his surroundings."
If it a small part were cut out, the line would make more sense. "His hooded eyes were far from useless however; they were the source of his power, and with a combination of water and air magic he was able to create a fairly good picture of his surroundings."
Well, I really am intrigued by your story, and I hope you continue writing. I'm curious to see how Solarian's character will turn out.
17KinnaWow, I really would be afraid to be on the opposite side of Solarian. He seems to be similar to a giant unstoppable wave of water.
There were some parts of your writing that could be looked over. For example...
"“Tell me again,” the brooding voice emitted from the corner of the room broke into the conversation between the four others present."
This sentence would make more sense if broke was replaced with breaking. “Tell me again,” the brooding voice emitted from the corner of the room, breaking into the conversation between the four others present.
This sentence below contradicts the sentence right before it in your writing when it says that his eyes were still used for sight, because right before that it said he couldn't use his eyes for sight.
"His hooded eyes were far from useless however; they were the source of his power, and were thus, still used for his sight. With a combination of water and air magic he was able to create a fairly good picture of his surroundings."
If it a small part were cut out, the line would make more sense. "His hooded eyes were far from useless however; they were the source of his power, and with a combination of water and air magic he was able to create a fairly good picture of his surroundings."
Well, I really am intrigued by your story, and I hope you continue writing. I'm curious to see how Solarian's character will turn out.
4/22/2006 c1 Kinna
You have really interesting ideas, such as the underwater city, and the water chute. Sometimes, parts of your characters thoughts could be cut out. It would be better to show some of their thoughts through an action or expression rather than stated plainly. Other than that small part, I enjoyed reading your prologue and I can't think of any more criticism. What a tragic beginning for the life of the baby.
P.S. Thank you for reviewing my story awhile back.
You have really interesting ideas, such as the underwater city, and the water chute. Sometimes, parts of your characters thoughts could be cut out. It would be better to show some of their thoughts through an action or expression rather than stated plainly. Other than that small part, I enjoyed reading your prologue and I can't think of any more criticism. What a tragic beginning for the life of the baby.
P.S. Thank you for reviewing my story awhile back.
3/9/2006 c1 23SomethingSymbolic15
Very good and interesting so far! I can't wait for the next chapter!
W4J
23SomethingSymbolic15Very good and interesting so far! I can't wait for the next chapter!
W4J