for Shades of Flame1/31/2007 c1 woodland.goddess
Your first chapter is brilliant. It's evocative and a fantastic hook. I love all the references to colour. The imagery is gorgeous. I particularly enjoyed the repetition of "Illana remembers when..." it's reassuring and sold; it reminds me of one of my favourite poems, The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes. There's nothing I would suggest you change. I look forward to reading the rest.
Your first chapter is brilliant. It's evocative and a fantastic hook. I love all the references to colour. The imagery is gorgeous. I particularly enjoyed the repetition of "Illana remembers when..." it's reassuring and sold; it reminds me of one of my favourite poems, The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes. There's nothing I would suggest you change. I look forward to reading the rest.
1/7/2007 c11 
9The Gobbler
Hmm... um, I have to say I'm a little disappointed with the ending, but maybe reading the sequel will clear that up. It was still well written, though, and still a good story.
9The GobblerHmm... um, I have to say I'm a little disappointed with the ending, but maybe reading the sequel will clear that up. It was still well written, though, and still a good story.
1/7/2007 c9 The Gobbler
So... it's been a while. Sorry about that.
But regardless, this is still as good as ever. I think my favorite thing about your writing is that there's always something there that you want to find out; always something that makes you read the next chapter.
The ending with Gitta was the best part of this chapter. The description of her thoughts was very, very accurate, how your mind gets stuck when you're terrified. The toes were absolutely disgusting, too, and it was amazing how you thought of something so simple to make your readers wince. That's a good thing.
So... it's been a while. Sorry about that.
But regardless, this is still as good as ever. I think my favorite thing about your writing is that there's always something there that you want to find out; always something that makes you read the next chapter.
The ending with Gitta was the best part of this chapter. The description of her thoughts was very, very accurate, how your mind gets stuck when you're terrified. The toes were absolutely disgusting, too, and it was amazing how you thought of something so simple to make your readers wince. That's a good thing.
12/30/2006 c3 Impuls
You do a wonderful job of drawing the reader in. What I really like about this story is that you have a nice balance of description and action, something that is often over looked or badly done. There are a few punctuation errors in the third chapter, but other then that I have no criticism.
You do a wonderful job of drawing the reader in. What I really like about this story is that you have a nice balance of description and action, something that is often over looked or badly done. There are a few punctuation errors in the third chapter, but other then that I have no criticism.
8/12/2006 c8 The Gobbler
Phil and Grant are my favorite characters, I think. Just because everything concerning them is very interesting. And because of the effect they seem to have on everything around them. I was a little confused when I read this part, "Seeing monsters—actually seeing them—is asking to disappear."
The part with Gitta and the Beast was rather... I dunno, refreshing or something. It was cool to see her come back into the story, especially in such a crazy way. For lack of a better word.
I always get confused between Gil, Phil, and Grant, and have to constantly remind myself which is which. I'm so lame.
Phil and Grant are my favorite characters, I think. Just because everything concerning them is very interesting. And because of the effect they seem to have on everything around them. I was a little confused when I read this part, "Seeing monsters—actually seeing them—is asking to disappear."
The part with Gitta and the Beast was rather... I dunno, refreshing or something. It was cool to see her come back into the story, especially in such a crazy way. For lack of a better word.
I always get confused between Gil, Phil, and Grant, and have to constantly remind myself which is which. I'm so lame.
8/8/2006 c7 The Gobbler
Hm. Frankly, this chapter was amazing. The first part was so damn intriguing, you don't even know. I wanna know more about the Worldshield and Encrys and... well, everything.
I liked the explanation of what happened to Neet, how they broke his mind.
Have you ever read something so good that, even if there *was* find something to criticize, you wouldn't be able to find it because you're so concentrated on the brilliance of it? Yeah. That's what this chapter was like.
Hm. Frankly, this chapter was amazing. The first part was so damn intriguing, you don't even know. I wanna know more about the Worldshield and Encrys and... well, everything.
I liked the explanation of what happened to Neet, how they broke his mind.
Have you ever read something so good that, even if there *was* find something to criticize, you wouldn't be able to find it because you're so concentrated on the brilliance of it? Yeah. That's what this chapter was like.
8/7/2006 c6 The Gobbler
Another good chapter. I'm just speculating (heh I said speculating), but it seems to me like the people in Amardeen are living secluded from a bigger outer world. I dunno. I'm curious as to what both Janna and Gil think of as magic. Somewhat useless review, sorry...
Another good chapter. I'm just speculating (heh I said speculating), but it seems to me like the people in Amardeen are living secluded from a bigger outer world. I dunno. I'm curious as to what both Janna and Gil think of as magic. Somewhat useless review, sorry...
7/26/2006 c5 The Gobbler
Ho dang. Amazing chapter. I didn't really understand Phillip's anger, or what they did to Neet, but I'm looking forward to finding out. Neet's confusion afterward was very intriguing, and I'm more than slightly curious about where Grant and Phillip came from, as well as Illana being quarantined. And if they have anything to do with each other.
Hmm... Are Zenecore and Tershicore just two cities? Great chapter. I loved it.
Ho dang. Amazing chapter. I didn't really understand Phillip's anger, or what they did to Neet, but I'm looking forward to finding out. Neet's confusion afterward was very intriguing, and I'm more than slightly curious about where Grant and Phillip came from, as well as Illana being quarantined. And if they have anything to do with each other.
Hmm... Are Zenecore and Tershicore just two cities? Great chapter. I loved it.
7/25/2006 c4 The Gobbler
Interesting. So Tershicore *isn't* dead then... I like the encounter between Phillip and Grant and Neet; the argument was amusing, as well as Neet's squeaking helplessly. The dialogue is witty and I like the ending. I also have to applaude you on your use of the present tense; usually I think it makes stories sound awkward, but I like it in this one.
I wonder, though, before Gitta got thrown out did they only let her stay because her mother insisted? Or did the mother's death just like detonate something in her father that made her leave? Oh, and one last thing-I meant to ask this before but kept forgetting-the sun, star, whatever, went nova at the beginning, right?
Interesting. So Tershicore *isn't* dead then... I like the encounter between Phillip and Grant and Neet; the argument was amusing, as well as Neet's squeaking helplessly. The dialogue is witty and I like the ending. I also have to applaude you on your use of the present tense; usually I think it makes stories sound awkward, but I like it in this one.
I wonder, though, before Gitta got thrown out did they only let her stay because her mother insisted? Or did the mother's death just like detonate something in her father that made her leave? Oh, and one last thing-I meant to ask this before but kept forgetting-the sun, star, whatever, went nova at the beginning, right?
7/24/2006 c3 The Gobbler
I like the POV switch here, it was a good time for it. Illana's entrance into the Council meeting was unexpected; I liked how it went after that. I wonder, though, are they voting on whether to accept her friendship, or on something implied that I missed? I like the time system, too-I realized that it's something that I (and alot of other authors, I think) take for grante din our stories, but really, in some other world why would they still use hours and minutes? This chapter also started to show how the society is structured, what with just the men being in the council and the children outstepping their bounds by talking to the Elf. Um... that's about it, sorry I don't have any useful cc for you, but encouragement is useful too, right?
I like the POV switch here, it was a good time for it. Illana's entrance into the Council meeting was unexpected; I liked how it went after that. I wonder, though, are they voting on whether to accept her friendship, or on something implied that I missed? I like the time system, too-I realized that it's something that I (and alot of other authors, I think) take for grante din our stories, but really, in some other world why would they still use hours and minutes? This chapter also started to show how the society is structured, what with just the men being in the council and the children outstepping their bounds by talking to the Elf. Um... that's about it, sorry I don't have any useful cc for you, but encouragement is useful too, right?
7/23/2006 c2 The Gobbler
So, Illana is disfigured... I like it. I'm a bit confused as to how she lived so long, but I'm assuming that will be explained later. I like the comparison to the Elves, and I just like the whole idea of the WorldShield, and the idea that they've never seen blue before. I've always kinda wondered if there was some color that we'd never seen, so we couldn't fathom it.
So, Illana is disfigured... I like it. I'm a bit confused as to how she lived so long, but I'm assuming that will be explained later. I like the comparison to the Elves, and I just like the whole idea of the WorldShield, and the idea that they've never seen blue before. I've always kinda wondered if there was some color that we'd never seen, so we couldn't fathom it.
7/22/2006 c11 7Asharadoth
They weren't eaten. Okay.
This is a very unsatisfying ending. There's a conclusion of sorts, but it's ambiguous, and most of the questions have barely been touched upon. So while it is *finished*, and I can't imagine how you would continue it from here, it's not *complete*.
It was a good story, though. The ending doesn't change that.
7AsharadothThey weren't eaten. Okay.
This is a very unsatisfying ending. There's a conclusion of sorts, but it's ambiguous, and most of the questions have barely been touched upon. So while it is *finished*, and I can't imagine how you would continue it from here, it's not *complete*.
It was a good story, though. The ending doesn't change that.
7/22/2006 c10 Asharadoth
I'm assuming this "Ausjzmahjzk" is Gitta's beast. And since the next chapter is the last one, I'm assuming that it eats everyone.
I'm assuming this "Ausjzmahjzk" is Gitta's beast. And since the next chapter is the last one, I'm assuming that it eats everyone.
7/22/2006 c1 9The Gobbler
"It was utter shadow, impenetrable and unfathomable, and there were rare denizens of darkness that could enchant the nighttime and grant wishes to those who dared to seek them out."
My favorite line. But, wow, seriously. You're talented. This is very well-written and... original, I guess. The way you arranged it is unusual; it makes it more entertaining to read. Ok, I'm rambling. Awesome job.
9The Gobbler"It was utter shadow, impenetrable and unfathomable, and there were rare denizens of darkness that could enchant the nighttime and grant wishes to those who dared to seek them out."
My favorite line. But, wow, seriously. You're talented. This is very well-written and... original, I guess. The way you arranged it is unusual; it makes it more entertaining to read. Ok, I'm rambling. Awesome job.