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3/20/2006 c1 2Xxnever-knewxX
Oh geez, you know I come home in my usual bubbly mood and then of course I got myself wondering if you had posted the new thing. Well of course you did and obviously from reading this you can see I read it; and see? T_T Ah well.It got me kind of depressed, but being me that's only temporary ^_^". Nice job. ^_^
3/18/2006 c1 4crane
I'm such a sap. This was good to read - very readable, very sweet. You wanted suggestions for titles? I dunno, I finished reading it and the whole remembrance aspect stuck out most for me. 'Don't Forget Me' is good, but how about something a little more mature - 'Retrospect' is one of my favourite ways of expressing remembrance. 'Anamnesis' is an awesome word. Try saying it out loud. Ann-amm-nee-siss. Ah, Greek.

Ahem. Back to the actual review!

Something really mild that doesn't necessarily need changing, but bothers me strictly as a reader and writer, is the use of 'anyway'. I'm referring to when Cody talks about them sitting under the oak tree, and he uses 'anyway' to start the paragraph. The reason I point this out is because it doesn't really strike me as helping the crispness of the prose - mainly, it sounds too much like dialogue. This is set up as a sort of recollection, right? So, unless Cody is telling a story, I don't think he should be apologizing for something that doesn't totally pull him off topic. I think it sounds even better without 'anyway' entirely - it just adds to the flowiness of it all. I really like flowy prose, so if you don't agree, ignore me!

(That was much too long about one simple thing! I'm sorry you had to wade through that. I'm very much an editor, and I really like to go through things piece by piece and explain why I do things - so I apologize for my long-windedness.)

I'm talking mostly about the way prose works for me in this review, so don't worry about your subject matter, I love this kind of story - all sad and sweet at once. Next thing I'll remark on quickly is paragraphing.

I know you know how to paragraph; don't think I'm criticizing everything. Every once in a while, though, the flow of the story is jarred a little by sentences that don't work together. The paragraph I'm looking at now, for example (starts "'Sean? Luv? Time to go'"), starts with speech and an action, and goes on a tangent about the house. As I read the story, I notice this a couple of times, and it's really awkward. I'd say, for the sake of the prose, make sure to keep all the information about the house together. In general, that would mean keeping dialogue/immediate action and exposition/remembrance apart.

I really wish I could give you a really great, jarring sort of example that doesn't work, because your work is good enough that if I weren't criticizing I probably wouldn't notice it whatsoever, but I can't think of anything. Plus, I've already talked about this enough.

Minor grammar note - 'neither of us seemed to think we were good enough for the other'? It's more accurate to say 'neither of us seemed to think he was good enough for the other'. If you really think about it, 'neither of us' is, technically, one person. I'm talking strictly grammatically, not in terms of reference. It's a common error people make, so I just wanted to make the note now.

You do a really good job of keeping your tenses right. THANK YOU! This is a good thing! You deserve cookies.

Another comment, just about 'going' and 'coming', because they tend to get confused a lot. Cody wouldn't 'come' to a funeral, he'd 'go' to one. You never really 'come' anywhere - other people 'come' to you, they 'come' to a reference point, but otherwise you are always 'going', unless you're 'coming' around. ::laughs:: This is a really bad way of putting it. Too much going and coming! I'm not really clear. I'm terribly sorry!

By the way, the epitaph? Made my heart flutter. "If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile..." That's just lovely. Good job with that one, it's just... melt-inducing.

I really wish I could beta-read people's work! This whole reviewing business just takes me so long to do! XD Again, sorry for the length, but thank you for writing a really lovely story. It was sweet to read.

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