for A Little Secret3/29/2009 c1 Olivia Thomas
I liked this story. It is funny how similar our stories are. I appreciate all of your reviews on mine and think yours is very good.
I liked this story. It is funny how similar our stories are. I appreciate all of your reviews on mine and think yours is very good.
5/29/2006 c1 
4NoLongerHereIMSORRY
i really like this. i just got done studing about schizophrenia. this was very sad and well written. :D nice job.
4NoLongerHereIMSORRYi really like this. i just got done studing about schizophrenia. this was very sad and well written. :D nice job.
5/23/2006 c1 Kim
This really is a powerful story - you have a beautiful writing voice and a very smooth style. I especially like how detatched the mood is - somehow that really does create the sympathy I think you are going for.
The main thing I would watch out for in this story is your tenses - you begin in present tense, switch to past, dabble a bit in future, then return to past. Either a past or present will do for your overall voice, just pick one and stick with it. It is ok, probably even a good idea to use a little future tense to discuss the conversations and the actions of Caroline's mother that she can exactly predict, but as it is now you switch back to past tense part way through.
I also like the drawn out style, but I would make it more pronounced. Rather than reducing yourself to a simple recitation of a memory at the end, continue the story for a few chapters (right now it feels a bit constrained), allowing Caroline to slowly reveal details, more in keeping with the conversation in which Caroline's mother is frightened by the technology. For example, there might be a half-hearted fight at breakfast about medication, or a mention of another visit to a psychiatrist. Intersperse these within everyday life where Caroline either distances herself or comes close to breaking, as the scenes now illustrate.
I loved the way IM's were used as a continuing theme throughout the book, as both escape, and the source of the mother's paranoia - I would exaggerate this a bit more too, perhaps using the texts of IM conversations directly within conversations with Caroline's mother, showing the contrast between what Caroline says to the world, and what she is really living.
Just a few last notes - there are a few awkward sentences that break the style. If reading the story over once doesn't make them stand out to you, feel free to e-mail me, and I'll be happy to go through it more thoroughly. There are also occasional breaks in perspective where the author's voice, rather than Caroline's, comes through, for example the sentence about 'but the good times couldn't last' - I guess that one's not so much a perspective change as a cliche that somehow doesn't fit with Caroline's voice, but I think you get the point.
Hope this helps - I can't wait to read some of your other writing!
This really is a powerful story - you have a beautiful writing voice and a very smooth style. I especially like how detatched the mood is - somehow that really does create the sympathy I think you are going for.
The main thing I would watch out for in this story is your tenses - you begin in present tense, switch to past, dabble a bit in future, then return to past. Either a past or present will do for your overall voice, just pick one and stick with it. It is ok, probably even a good idea to use a little future tense to discuss the conversations and the actions of Caroline's mother that she can exactly predict, but as it is now you switch back to past tense part way through.
I also like the drawn out style, but I would make it more pronounced. Rather than reducing yourself to a simple recitation of a memory at the end, continue the story for a few chapters (right now it feels a bit constrained), allowing Caroline to slowly reveal details, more in keeping with the conversation in which Caroline's mother is frightened by the technology. For example, there might be a half-hearted fight at breakfast about medication, or a mention of another visit to a psychiatrist. Intersperse these within everyday life where Caroline either distances herself or comes close to breaking, as the scenes now illustrate.
I loved the way IM's were used as a continuing theme throughout the book, as both escape, and the source of the mother's paranoia - I would exaggerate this a bit more too, perhaps using the texts of IM conversations directly within conversations with Caroline's mother, showing the contrast between what Caroline says to the world, and what she is really living.
Just a few last notes - there are a few awkward sentences that break the style. If reading the story over once doesn't make them stand out to you, feel free to e-mail me, and I'll be happy to go through it more thoroughly. There are also occasional breaks in perspective where the author's voice, rather than Caroline's, comes through, for example the sentence about 'but the good times couldn't last' - I guess that one's not so much a perspective change as a cliche that somehow doesn't fit with Caroline's voice, but I think you get the point.
Hope this helps - I can't wait to read some of your other writing!
3/26/2006 c1 Bartlet
Who is this friend of yours that I should know about? Anyway, this story was ok but not as good as the Noe and the John story. By the way, you should add me into the Noe story. LOL.
Who is this friend of yours that I should know about? Anyway, this story was ok but not as good as the Noe and the John story. By the way, you should add me into the Noe story. LOL.
3/25/2006 c1 kelaia
It's a nice idea you've got here. I like how it's mostly describing feelings and the past. Be careful about the tenses you write in though. You seem to mix the present and past tense, and it can be very confusing to read. Good story, though.
It's a nice idea you've got here. I like how it's mostly describing feelings and the past. Be careful about the tenses you write in though. You seem to mix the present and past tense, and it can be very confusing to read. Good story, though.