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for A Time of Innocence

3/21/2006 c1 8voice.writer
This is a great idea/inspiration for a poem! In general, I don't particularly like rhyming poems, since they all seem to fall into an annoying pattern.

A few suggestions on the content:

I think you need to make this longer, and by that I don't mean make it one of a series of poems. A lot of phrases are vague or disconnected from the last verse (stanza 1 is not clearly connected to stanza 2, stanza 3 is not connected to stanza 4), so this poem could benefit from more specific lines/stanzas.

The flow is a bit stiff. As I said before, I don't like rhyming, so this is a bit biased...still, I think the rhyming is limiting the vocabulary and amount of meaning this poem has the potential to have.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the last stanza. I find that, when done correctly (and believe me, you did this correctly), addressing a certain audience is much more powerful not only to that audience but to others as well. It's very clear and pure, more so than the rest of the stanzas. This basically, for me, is the meaning of this poem, so EXPAND! I say still use this as your last stanza, but work backwards from it so you can get a clearer message.

*Wipes forehead* That was a LONG review! Congrats if you made it this far.

~The Midnight's Magic~

PS: All of these suggestions are things that I actually lack in my poems as well...somehow, I can pick out the weaknesses but not really apply them to my own writing. So please don't call me a hypocrite...even though I am...but SH don't tell! =P

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