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for But That's The Way I Like It There

3/24/2006 c1 51Spider-Matt
I'm critical. I'm not gonna lie. BUT, I'm only constructive. I don't care for that unhelpful flaming bullshit some like to give in to.

I'll start with the good. I loved the theme, or at least, what I derived from the theme. Obviously I don't need to go into the fact that we all take what we will from art. To me it represented a love of diversity and freedom merged with a security that only the mind can supply. By contrast, reality seems to demand we accept freedom or security. It seems increasingly difficult to have both in today's political culture. Or maybe it has always been like this and I'm starting to realize the flaws as I mature. But I digress. Just wanted you to know these are the thoughts your poem evoked in me.

That said, it's time to see my more critical side. I'm a stickler for form, grammar, syntax, diction... you know, all the fun stuff.

First off, diversity. For me, it looks bad when two consecutive lines end with the same word, even if in different stanzas. Especially when that word is repeated at the end of every stanza. I don't think the word "there" is necessary in the first line of the following stanzas. And twice, no less. MAYBE once, but with a little creative rewording, you can work up a more interesting sentence that says the same thing and just sounds better as a whole. Also, those "to be" verbs are a killer. They can really dampen the mood. If you're not familiar with the term, "to be" verbs include variations of "to be" or "is" (i.e. are, were, was, etc.). These are very bland words to describe something. Often times, to be words can be avoided and the sentence can sound so much more enlightened with the addition of a anoter more interesting word. Think about the effect of the objects being described. Occassionally you can experiment with form, replacing the word with just a comma or something to that effect. Just experiment. Never hurts. :-)

The fifth stanza completely confuses me. I don't even know what you're trying to say. In the third stanza, your "cosign" should be spelled "cosine." The cosine of 360 degrees is 1 and I don't know why Pi and 1 were paired up, but it's interesting, lol.

And here's a tip for when fictionpress fucks up your format: I use a free web hosting service and load my poems on that server and link to them (you can see if you check out some of my poems). You have to break up the link a little, otherwise it doesn't show up (curses!) but people can take the hint. I experiment a lot with form, so some of my poems don't even make sense remotely unless people go to the link I provide them. FP has much to improve on.

At any rate, interesting poem. Keep writing. Never let the fire die. If I had more time to think of more cliches to bombard you with, I would use it.
3/24/2006 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
Aw, that's such a great poem. I think most ppl can relate to this. I saw your post on livejournal and decided to review. Also, if you're trying to make stanzas, and when you click enter for the next line and it puts a space between the lines (like they are here), just hit shift+enter and you can make it single-spaced. I hope that made sense. I discovered that after I had the same annoyances, lol. Keep writing! :)

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