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for As the World Falls Down

7/31/2006 c1 9rvtolentino
very good story, as one reviewer said, it can stand on its own (with readers just speculating on what happens next... oh, you meanie! XD) or the prologue of a blockbuster story. either way, it's one of the rare one-chapter stories that i think deserve a five-star rating.

general idea: impressive. i am actually jaded by the sheer amount of vampire stories these days, especially with the crappy sequel of Underworld (with Kate Beckinsale's steamy love scene its only saving grace i guess). the vampires being exterminated and rather helpless against these 'slayers', which i think are humans, blend well with the notion that these vampires stay hidden in the shadows, and so far as the story is concerned you've successfully portrayed their culture as underground and even beneath the dregs of our normal human society. the key dates are good reinforcers of this as most dates are key milestones to the advancement of our race (like 1945, the end of the great war).

the grand scale and history involved with this story may be yes, great, but your grammar need some more work. for one, i can see that you tend to interchange tenses. as the overall setting of this chapter is in the past, you should best use the past tense of words; say, use "were" instead of "are" and "called" instead of "calls". however you have little misspellings and typos that i think i'm just wasting reviewing space giving it notice.

you have extraordinary descriptive skill and the story of your beleaguered race jumps right out of the screen to really play with the readers' imagination; it's nicely embellished and the color you've painted your world was dark-but not just the normal dark, but *velvet* black. the events that unfolded as you narrated their recent slaughter at the hands of both humans and themselves were fluently vivid. however i can see that you mix the more prevalent eloquent style with a more informal, more conversational tone. this is evident in using "80s" instead of as "1980s" or just "eighties", and the use of the phrase "of sorts". although these are simply nitpickings they serve to scratch the element of mystery and the mood of prophetic doom that you have presented us with. there's also an elusive feel for this kind of story that sometimes it feels as if you had it right, but not quite so. in other words, your writing voice shifts from being a master storyteller to just dangerously teetering to the uninspired drawl of reporters we see on TV.

the transition between a dark history lesson to Crea's introspection was deftly done, and i couldn't have asked for a better execution. this is the single greatest subtlety that i could probably give you the highest points for, since i go more for the subtleties than the more apparent physical aspects of a story. and to top it all off, you've given us a fair cliffhanger at the end with an ominous ring to it; though such portentous dreams could best be left alone since it was so... uh, really not that creative, it lent a good stage to set up the next chapter. well, i'm biased on the "continuation" vote than the "stand-alone" vote, so you see my drift.

seeing as how a recent reviewer claimed you liked constructive criticisms, i won't be expecting an email from you with "f*ng bastard" written on it. i hope you appreciate this one (which was more an analysis than a review, though), or tell me at least what you think of it by a review of your own, or an email. i'd appreciate it completely. and oh even with the superlatives i've used, don't be bothered; my sarcasm switched is not turned on. i meant what i said.

keep it up and i expect more from this story.

7/26/2006 c1 WitchGhost
There were a few spelling erros, but all in all I liked the beginning and might read more if you update!
7/7/2006 c1 Marie Silver
I like people who can appreciate constructive criticism. The amount of people on here who just want to hear praise drives me mad. Anyway, enough of that. I'm here to review this:

~'Through out history...' - Isn't 'Through out' one word in this context - 'Throughout'?

~'of a nearly one hundred year period' - The 'a' makes the sentence awkward. Try and reword the sentence.

~'We wrapped the darkness tightly around ourselves...' - Nice imagery.

~'Year 20 was basically the end of the slayers...' - The adverb doesn't do this sentence any good. Lose it.

~'Instead through some sparring accident...killing each other off and gaining strength.' - I like the history you've created here. It's really good.

~'I've been hiding in a small town far from the power struggles on the east coast.' - 'I hid in a small...' 'I've been' changes the narrative style. If you want to say he/she's still there then add something like, 'That is where I am today.'

~'Those who seek to make themselves stronger currently consider themselves to be demi-gods.' - 'currently' seems an odd word.

~'The world itself will weep ash at the destruction, blacking out the sky in mourning.' - Another excellent bit of description.

~'Perhaps it is time to insert myself...' - When you read on Crea has already decided to it so 'Perhaps' shouldn't be there. Make it 'It is time...'

This is a strong beginning to a story but it also works well as a stand alone. If there is more I would love to read it. If there is update soon.

Hope this didn’t offend you,

~Marie Silver~
7/2/2006 c1 18Serious Sonneteer
Firstly, I'd like to say that how you managed to secure so many reviews is really amazing.

Is this the prologue of your story? Well, whether or not it is, it's beautifully written. I agree with the person who said that this "is a really good beginning." The last line makes me want to read on.

Who's your favourite author? Is it Anne Rice?

Anyway, I've written something recently and would like you to critique it.
6/20/2006 c1 12Rachel M. T
This is a really good beginning! You have perfect descriptions, and your explaining of what happened is wonderful! You also leave a good cliff-hanger, setting up the reader for another exciting chapter! Good job! I can't wait for the next installment...I'm adding this to my favorite stories list.
5/5/2006 c1 71MidnightStar005
You did a beautiful job! I would so make this a movie. I hope to read more!

4/11/2006 c1 9helium lost
Hello there; Tev recommended you, and I thought I'd check out some of your stuff :)

Certainly has an Underworld feel to it, this story . . . Anywho, as for some little errors, I think it should be '80s rather than 80's-and I didn't know 'quest' was a verb.

But other than that, I really like your imagery-it's vivid; it shows the desperation. And your narrator has a very strong tone of voice; the story reads like a movie trailer, but not in a bad way. And I like the way you fit in all this information, yet made it interesting-I suppose it's because it's interesting information, and because it's vivid and strong.

I think you had some minor grammatical errors-tenses or something like that-and I don't think you should use the word 'basically', as it's too casual for the large atmosphere of the work. But other than that, the fic looks interesting; can't wait to see more :)

- hl
4/1/2006 c1 4Tikvah Ariel
Very nice Drake, I like the way you handled having to cram all that background information in at once and you set the scene very nicely.

Parts of it were more of a history textbook feel, but at the end it was nice. I didn't like where you ended the line with 'But...', other then that it was good.

Continuing depends on you though, one things for sure, vampires = more fictionpress reviewers.
3/31/2006 c1 13Sir Scott
Sounds Interesting. You should continue if you so desire.I noticed a mistake.ouw feet= own feet
3/31/2006 c1 4run rabbit run
nice little vampire slice of life. love the vengeance take. really nice. cheers-rabbit
3/30/2006 c1 5Oscar Brown
Im impressed by this i think you should continue it.
3/30/2006 c1 9Robert Watson

ROB LIKES! WRITE MORE SOON! R&R my story, I havent updated the prologue yet... now its WAY LONGER.

This sounds like an awesome story... g.j!

3/30/2006 c1 34Smoky Bear
wow, it's like buffy meets blade meets underworld meets something else that's entirely your own...

if you are enjoying writing it, continue it... you've created a world rich with depth and history, it'd be a shame not to play in it... it was getting really intersting and holds promises of violent vengence.

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