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10/5/2006 c1 StevenH
I just got high speed internet!Whee!this is my email address just so you know. Stop being racist Max. Racism is the epitome(yes I'm using large words) of ignorance. Nahh just kidding racism is fun.
7/18/2006 c2 4G.C MacBeth
Detail. Detail is very important, while it is crucial not to put detail into a factual statement. If you are writing fiction, detail is harder to express. But if nonfiction is what you're after, then by all mean, list facts in any manner that you please.

Dialogue is another one that I have had to work on for a long time, and it doesn't hurt at all to do so. Take the time after you finish a chapter, or paragraph to look over what you wrote and make any corrections needed. This will make it a lot easier for others and yourself to read. It took me quite a while for this instict to kick in, but once it did, I kept working on it even more. I am not saying that your a bad writer, I'm just saying that you have potential. Sorry if this review was offending. I do not like to give these, but I am just trying to help. I always take critizism in the best way, and benifit from it.
7/9/2006 c2 Andrea Tiefling L
creating a story is definitely your strong point, i can tell you have a world and characters fleshed out in your head.that said, all you need is to tighten up the grammar and learn the finesse of words. words are your friends, you just have to learn how to manipulate them.my advice, since writers (and readers) always have trouble finding evocative descriptions; get a good thesaurus (not th eone in Word, that sucks) and works of writers whose style you find attractive and learn from them. learn how to let the words, the dialogue, reflect yor story.
6/29/2006 c2 k-chan
You have me interested. This sounds like a pretty good story so far. You're pretty good at putting in backstory without messing up the flow of the writing. Some of your paragraphs are a bit choppy, though. Especially the first paragraph in chapter two. It sounds like you're trying to explain two different things in it, and that makes it hard to figure out what's going on. You've got pretty good dialogue and your grammer isn't too bad - you just need to watch commas, mostly. The part where you mentioned Winnie as Ruth was a bit confusing, too: I thought Ruth was another person entirely. If you're going to call a character something, stick to it, or explain about Winnie's friends calling her Ruth before they actually do. Other than that, it's a good story. It's a neat idea and is fairly well written. The spelling is a bit off; you might want to fix that, but at least you can tell what you meant to say. Great work. I can't wait to read more.
6/12/2006 c2 17elderTopaz
this one was good still with spelling errors but even you knew that, maybe more characterization. =]
6/12/2006 c1 elderTopaz
hey man, this is pretty well written albeit a little racy;and the occasional spelling error... but all around good story im gonna add you to favorites.
4/18/2006 c2 firesword
WHat the HELL! This was a gramer freak nightmare! I couldn't follow along with all the errors! WHAT THE %$#&^ WERE YOU THINKING OF SPELLING! YOU ^^#$ER!But sll in all it was okay.
4/12/2006 c2 3Philosophy101
First of all, SPELL CHECK!Second of all, I plan on stealing the beginning theme from you for the last chapter of The Purple Fish, but not the actual story, hope you don't mindAnd third, I might also possibly use it for the fourth chapter.(I refered to your story, I feel so special) (joke, don't think I'm serious)
4/11/2006 c2 16Cheeseraptor5
Interesting and provacative. However, there are some grammar issues that get in the way of the story. Also, there IS such a thing as SPELL CHECK.

"ontropunore"?
4/11/2006 c1 3Philosophy101
Amazing; I expecially loved the fact that Thomas regrets stereotyping whites. I can't stand the people that blame EVERYTHING on "whitey."
4/5/2006 c1 Ruthy
I like your story. You hooked me in the beginning. I didn't think it would turn out the way it did. I can't wait to read chapter 2.

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