for Drawing Battle Lines4/7/2006 c6 
2Nicolas Forndrale
A chapter I've waited for for quite a long era. Hehe. :)
So here's Chapter 6, eh?
First - onto the 'sadistic' Dante and the struggling Trish. Needless to say, this part of the story balances the elements involved in Drawing Battle Lines (seems to me, at least). It is without a question the more dramatic and serious part (not that mushy love stories aren't. :)). As I've previously said, it also helps the readers get excited as they (WE) anticipate for more than one event to take place in every succeeding chapter.
However, as I am quite particular with details, my old man, I have to say - may be you should put in more descriptions. Such an effort wouldn't hurt, now would it? Hehe. ;) Perhaps you could 'show' the readers the atmosphere inside the classroom, the smell, the sense of hostility, the emptiness of the once bustling room, etc, etc... Know what I mean?
Well, that is just me... :) I am merely an avid reader of this piece who wishes to 'see' more details. Hehe. But if the way your story is written in a particular manner is intended, then, by all means, keep on with it. :D
On the other hand, if you are going to consider my humble suggestion, perhaps you can also work on how you can make much detail get into the story without making the text seem draggingly lengthy. Hehe. ;)
Now back to the first part... The scene inside the classroom is rather slow-paced, I observe. And this is actually to my taste! The gravity of the situation somehow calls for an intense, closer, and slower look on every thing that transpires. I don't know if you intended this technique, Dre, but I suggest you keep on with it. ;)
Now onto the second half of this REVIEW. :D Hehe.
The sight of the italicized words on every chapter of Drawing Battle Lines has grown to be eye-candies to me! Haha! :D
Evidently, I am quite a sucker for the mushy side of stories. Hehe. And that goes to show that I am loving every bit of the 'flashbacks' (FBs).
For starters, the setting of the FBs is something I can easily relate to - high school, Libis (woohoo!), and OTHERS (with that all-caps word, I demand you incorporate more of THIS in the next installments! Hehe).
The description of Trish's feelings is utterly believable - from the heart-mind-setting of the 'secret paradise' to the anxiety of being unable to predict the words that would come out of Rainier's mouth. :D
Again, though...I have to say... I am quite thirsty for details. Perhaps details as to how the restaurant looks and 'feels' like would help, the occassional description of Trish's and Rainier's appearance, and stuff like that... But then again, may be such is not to your liking, and if it is indeed so, I am confident that you can come up with something more grand and larger than life that can quench my thirst. :)
Trish and Rainier's share of the chapter may be described as a pleasant shift from an also pleasant (in a different way) panorama of Drawing Battle Lines. It takes the readers away from the austerity of the military and the 'grown-up' businesses of the main character.
Also, on that note, may be you can empathize a bit more with Trish's feelings by further describing her them. :)
The FBs are surely something to look forward to in every chapter as well. It would stand firm in a face-off against the military part of this piece.
Yes. Somehow, putting two different stories into one story brings forth a competition. And, being a judge, I believe it will take quite some time to settle on who will become the victor. :D
SIDE NOTES:
THE Question:
“What’s the one thing on this world that you desperately, desperately, desire right now?”
THE Flirtation:
“Do you really want to know?”, I said (in a rather flirtatious voice) with a smile (a rather flirtatious one, too).
"Do you…really…really…want to know?”.
THE Answer:
"Sorduel."
THE Fan:
... ... This is an absolute stunner, Dre! OMG! I cannot believe it! I nearly fell off my seat, laughing! And until this very moment, I cannot erase this big grin of amusement on my face! Good one!
Tense Confusion:
I am quite confused with the tenses, Dre, specifically on the FBs. On one part, the words are in present tense, then on the latter parts, everything is in the past tense.
I think you should settle on the past tense, my friend. Hehe.
One Last Thing:
Whew! This review is filled with suggestions, Dre! You need not consider them, you know. I'm just a fan! Hehe.
Now don't you dare drop this piece! I am now officially WAITING for Chapter 7. :D
Good luck and God Bless!
- Mig
2Nicolas ForndraleA chapter I've waited for for quite a long era. Hehe. :)
So here's Chapter 6, eh?
First - onto the 'sadistic' Dante and the struggling Trish. Needless to say, this part of the story balances the elements involved in Drawing Battle Lines (seems to me, at least). It is without a question the more dramatic and serious part (not that mushy love stories aren't. :)). As I've previously said, it also helps the readers get excited as they (WE) anticipate for more than one event to take place in every succeeding chapter.
However, as I am quite particular with details, my old man, I have to say - may be you should put in more descriptions. Such an effort wouldn't hurt, now would it? Hehe. ;) Perhaps you could 'show' the readers the atmosphere inside the classroom, the smell, the sense of hostility, the emptiness of the once bustling room, etc, etc... Know what I mean?
Well, that is just me... :) I am merely an avid reader of this piece who wishes to 'see' more details. Hehe. But if the way your story is written in a particular manner is intended, then, by all means, keep on with it. :D
On the other hand, if you are going to consider my humble suggestion, perhaps you can also work on how you can make much detail get into the story without making the text seem draggingly lengthy. Hehe. ;)
Now back to the first part... The scene inside the classroom is rather slow-paced, I observe. And this is actually to my taste! The gravity of the situation somehow calls for an intense, closer, and slower look on every thing that transpires. I don't know if you intended this technique, Dre, but I suggest you keep on with it. ;)
Now onto the second half of this REVIEW. :D Hehe.
The sight of the italicized words on every chapter of Drawing Battle Lines has grown to be eye-candies to me! Haha! :D
Evidently, I am quite a sucker for the mushy side of stories. Hehe. And that goes to show that I am loving every bit of the 'flashbacks' (FBs).
For starters, the setting of the FBs is something I can easily relate to - high school, Libis (woohoo!), and OTHERS (with that all-caps word, I demand you incorporate more of THIS in the next installments! Hehe).
The description of Trish's feelings is utterly believable - from the heart-mind-setting of the 'secret paradise' to the anxiety of being unable to predict the words that would come out of Rainier's mouth. :D
Again, though...I have to say... I am quite thirsty for details. Perhaps details as to how the restaurant looks and 'feels' like would help, the occassional description of Trish's and Rainier's appearance, and stuff like that... But then again, may be such is not to your liking, and if it is indeed so, I am confident that you can come up with something more grand and larger than life that can quench my thirst. :)
Trish and Rainier's share of the chapter may be described as a pleasant shift from an also pleasant (in a different way) panorama of Drawing Battle Lines. It takes the readers away from the austerity of the military and the 'grown-up' businesses of the main character.
Also, on that note, may be you can empathize a bit more with Trish's feelings by further describing her them. :)
The FBs are surely something to look forward to in every chapter as well. It would stand firm in a face-off against the military part of this piece.
Yes. Somehow, putting two different stories into one story brings forth a competition. And, being a judge, I believe it will take quite some time to settle on who will become the victor. :D
SIDE NOTES:
THE Question:
“What’s the one thing on this world that you desperately, desperately, desire right now?”
THE Flirtation:
“Do you really want to know?”, I said (in a rather flirtatious voice) with a smile (a rather flirtatious one, too).
"Do you…really…really…want to know?”.
THE Answer:
"Sorduel."
THE Fan:
... ... This is an absolute stunner, Dre! OMG! I cannot believe it! I nearly fell off my seat, laughing! And until this very moment, I cannot erase this big grin of amusement on my face! Good one!
Tense Confusion:
I am quite confused with the tenses, Dre, specifically on the FBs. On one part, the words are in present tense, then on the latter parts, everything is in the past tense.
I think you should settle on the past tense, my friend. Hehe.
One Last Thing:
Whew! This review is filled with suggestions, Dre! You need not consider them, you know. I'm just a fan! Hehe.
Now don't you dare drop this piece! I am now officially WAITING for Chapter 7. :D
Good luck and God Bless!
- Mig
4/3/2006 c5 Nicolas Forndrale
Wow! Sorry to compare, Dre, but I strangely find this more interesting than Sorduel. Hehe. It's funny because, as you know, I'm into fantasy, and THIS one isn't (well, I guess that remains to be seen).
What I really find interesting about Drawing Battle Lines are actually the things that are involved in the story...and the stroy itself, of course. It reminds me of the MGS series, but at the same time, it sends a signal of Final Fantasy VI love story mushiness. Quite an unlikely but effective blend, I must say!
Another thing would be the 'two stories in one' thingy going on. There are actually two separate events to look forward to in every chapter! Very nice!
And speaking of 'looking forward to...', every chapter of your story, for some reason, seems like a fleeting read. By that, I mean - the flow of events just keep on building up until you cut it off! The first few chapters are rather shorty short for a chapter, know what I mean? But THAT is actually to my taste! It's rather effective and makes a lazy reader feel like he's finishing a LOT. I think you get me... ;)
What else?
Hmm... I have to admit, I'm not the biggest fan of literaries concerning our country. For what reason, I don't know. They seem boring, I guess. Oh, BUT this one - with all the 'colorful' things going on...it just becomes a must-read for me! Hehe. ;)
That's about everything so far, I guess. Just please don't cut this like what you did to Sorduel! Hehe. Keep on with this! It's really coming along guhreat! ;D
Oh, and thanks. You've given me inspiration to write AGAIN. :)
I'm eyeing on this!
- Mig
Wow! Sorry to compare, Dre, but I strangely find this more interesting than Sorduel. Hehe. It's funny because, as you know, I'm into fantasy, and THIS one isn't (well, I guess that remains to be seen).
What I really find interesting about Drawing Battle Lines are actually the things that are involved in the story...and the stroy itself, of course. It reminds me of the MGS series, but at the same time, it sends a signal of Final Fantasy VI love story mushiness. Quite an unlikely but effective blend, I must say!
Another thing would be the 'two stories in one' thingy going on. There are actually two separate events to look forward to in every chapter! Very nice!
And speaking of 'looking forward to...', every chapter of your story, for some reason, seems like a fleeting read. By that, I mean - the flow of events just keep on building up until you cut it off! The first few chapters are rather shorty short for a chapter, know what I mean? But THAT is actually to my taste! It's rather effective and makes a lazy reader feel like he's finishing a LOT. I think you get me... ;)
What else?
Hmm... I have to admit, I'm not the biggest fan of literaries concerning our country. For what reason, I don't know. They seem boring, I guess. Oh, BUT this one - with all the 'colorful' things going on...it just becomes a must-read for me! Hehe. ;)
That's about everything so far, I guess. Just please don't cut this like what you did to Sorduel! Hehe. Keep on with this! It's really coming along guhreat! ;D
Oh, and thanks. You've given me inspiration to write AGAIN. :)
I'm eyeing on this!
- Mig
4/3/2006 c5 27dalicomplex
hey,kabayan!
You're story is very well written.Martial Law, eh? Wouldn't want another on here in our country, though I was not born yet, at that time.
A hopeless romantic, you are. Anyway, I visited your blog, and you really write so well!
With that favorite authors list, I am very honored. Maraming salamat po. :)
You know, I think you are more than qualified for me to return the favor.
Ta-ta! Sa uulitin... :)
27dalicomplexhey,kabayan!
You're story is very well written.Martial Law, eh? Wouldn't want another on here in our country, though I was not born yet, at that time.
A hopeless romantic, you are. Anyway, I visited your blog, and you really write so well!
With that favorite authors list, I am very honored. Maraming salamat po. :)
You know, I think you are more than qualified for me to return the favor.
Ta-ta! Sa uulitin... :)