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for Egyptian Nights

7/14/2006 c1 obsession93
well first of all, this should be rated T cause personally, I don't think this is appropriate for kids 9 and up. I mean they are drinking and kissing. And also personally, I don't think this is a good way to start out a story. With the graduation, yes but the beer party? It makes her sound like an irresponsible girl. And it also makes her sound like she's done it before (which is probably true) so unless this is because like maybe she started drinking because her mother died or that she just has no morals, just go on ahead with this. Either you should have her stop or have her just a reckless young lady.
4/8/2006 c1 1Nicole Alexander
the storyline was great, but you may want to add more detail. for example, instead of "he smiled evilly" try putting "his gray eyes flickered from the dim light overhead, and he pulled back his thin lips to reveal an innocently nasty grin."

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