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for WASHed up morals

8/13/2006 c1 77by His blood
this is fucking amazing and i can't even explain it.

i was just wondering ... i absolutely loved your old poetry and your old format, so if you still have it ... i just wanted to know if it would be a problem to resubmit it? i loved your old writing, and i'd like to see it again. if you don't want to do that, i understand. it's just a request, but you don't have to.
7/6/2006 c1 24InspirASIAN
DAY-UM THIS IS GOOD!
5/20/2006 c1 37bitterpaper
Wow. This is absolutely incredible. I see this as the way everyone is innocent for a time, and then ventures into the world of pleasurable corruption, until it smacks them in the face. And then, they want to retrieve their innocense again, but they can't. After all, no one stays innocent forever. The dark side has too strong of a pull.

This is so well written that any attempt on my part to describe it wouldn't do it justice. Keep writing!
4/10/2006 c1 237classic violet
Oh my God: Fantastic!

"The water caressing the curve of her

collarbone / & his lips pressed against her / ivory half moon pelvis / is just enough to send her into / a state of intoxication / and drunk off his love as she is / she swears she could see her morals / washing down the shower drain / in the downstairs bathroom / of her fathers house broken"

F*ing awesome. Just gorgeous!
4/10/2006 c1 55The Watched
...Wow. Your own mention of how good this piece is says to me that I barely need to point out how much better your writing is when it isn't hidden behind the formatting...but I will anyway. It's twice, maybe three times as good as your other pieces...and I imagine it must be a far better feeling of fulfilment knowing that that is down to your words alone, yes? What format you HAVE used has a far greater effect for being used sparingly, too.

You've used some great poetic devices here - that first line "caressing the curve of her collarbone" is lovely - very alliterative! It drags your reader straight in, and of course you wonder what's happening. And then that next line, of course, changes your immediate view of the poem, which is that it's going to be relaxing, calm, serene. I don't think I need to mention what a beautiful image "ivory half-moon pelvis" is, either. It makes her sound very delicate, fragile, which works, I think, with the image you create throughout.

The second stanza (well, from "broken" which appears to be a dividing line) is a little more confusing, and I confess I prefer the first. That's not to say that it doesn't have its merits: those final lines especially bring it all together beautifully, and suggest a lovely cyclic element to the whole situation. Personally, though, I prefer snapshot narration, like that of the first stanza, to the more generalised idealism of the second.

Having said that, "later collect in a puddle of regret" is a lovely line; your half-rhyme there really works, gives it a rhythmic edge. And I like the image of the girl wearing the "washed up morals of a broken woman around her neck like they were her savior". Makes me think of crucifixes, which I presume is the image you were intending?

The lack of punctuation in here makes it quite confusing. On one hand, this adds to the girl's bewilderment, her "intoxication" - although on the other, it makes it a lot harder to understand: I had to read it through twice to get some sense of insight into what I felt the overall meanings to be. I'm not sure whether or not that is a criticism...or just a comment...it depends whether or not you were intending to go for a lack of punctuation!

Overall, this was very good, and I look forward to seeing you realise your potential with more pieces of a similar ilk. I also look forward to the day I stop sounding like an overexcited English teacher, but that's not the point.

Yours, The Watched.
4/9/2006 c1 90poetic abortion
fathers house is repeated twice and it doesn't bug me (thank you) - it added so much power, haunting eloquency to the poem. it is beautiful, pretty and deep.

~* Noelle

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