for Accidentally Beaten4/24/2006 c1 
2MonkeyKid647
I like it. But it is a little confusing. I think you should add some more (you don't have to though it's your story). All in all it was OK.
2MonkeyKid647I like it. But it is a little confusing. I think you should add some more (you don't have to though it's your story). All in all it was OK.
4/22/2006 c1 19lamenting envelope
Right now it sounds like an outline for a story. There's SO much here to flesh out. The conversations with these people. His growing suspicious that it's the mother. Description of the small town.
In short, you're telling not showing, and telling confusingly at that. Flesh it out. Please. If we don't get to know the characters, why should we care?
And telling us "the woman had a pure heart" does not make us care. Why should we believe you? You need to show the reader (in more than a paragraph) through HER words and actions (also through how she dresses, how she carries herself, etc...) that she "had a pure heart." Or could act enough to make a professional detective think she had a pure heart. Which I'm not sure how she pulled off, but that's another issue.
Same thing with "It really was a tragic scene." Nothing that you describe really makes this scene seem tragic at all to me. Maybe because I care nothing about the characters.
I don't mean to offend. But I think this needs work.
19lamenting envelopeRight now it sounds like an outline for a story. There's SO much here to flesh out. The conversations with these people. His growing suspicious that it's the mother. Description of the small town.
In short, you're telling not showing, and telling confusingly at that. Flesh it out. Please. If we don't get to know the characters, why should we care?
And telling us "the woman had a pure heart" does not make us care. Why should we believe you? You need to show the reader (in more than a paragraph) through HER words and actions (also through how she dresses, how she carries herself, etc...) that she "had a pure heart." Or could act enough to make a professional detective think she had a pure heart. Which I'm not sure how she pulled off, but that's another issue.
Same thing with "It really was a tragic scene." Nothing that you describe really makes this scene seem tragic at all to me. Maybe because I care nothing about the characters.
I don't mean to offend. But I think this needs work.