Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Gorgeous FUCKup

6/12/2007 c1 The Waitress
stunning, I could feel something in me squirm with the feeling in this poem. each word had me hooked on the pain this woman is going through.
8/14/2006 c1 87Chaos Apple
wonderful. I love the way you painted this pic in my head of this little (pretty) gal. So detailed...it's lovely.
8/13/2006 c1 77by His blood
for some reason, it hurts to read this.

i absolutely love this poem - it's definitely going on my favorites. absolutely fucking incredible. raw, amazing, absolutely brilliant. ifuckingloveit.
4/15/2006 c1 16insomnia in dreamland
&goodgod this gave me fucking chills. so connected with the raw human emotions it is almost unbearable.

"pink lace panties

(way too mature for her)

draped across her ankle"

^GORGEOUSā™„so detailed and graphic,

"Perfume sobs wracking her

tiny size /z.e.r.o/ frame,

& blue eyeliner tears

kissing her cheeks."

^i don't know if it was me, but it implys to me that there was a rape or first time.. making it even more interesting.

this was gorgeous. and the last line packed so much emotion, its so intense.

i loveloveloved it.

*faves*
4/12/2006 c1 237classic violet
interesting. very well done.
4/12/2006 c1 23iknowthethirdthingaboutpoetry
OMG! Way too bee grafik.

Your to good. You're abillity too make porn beautiful is astounding, you know that?
4/11/2006 c1 55The Watched
Hey, it's me (AGAIN...*grins*)

First and most importantly: I love your new style. I really do. It's a thousand times more raw and emotional than your old one. I understand your messages far quicker, and it's far more CONDENSED, you know? It feels like you're just saying what needs to be said, now - there's no padding. Which is brilliant.

I also like the rigid form of this one, the three four-line stanzas, and then that last line which stands out because it's on its own. And of course that line, that last line, is the line that brings it all together. The change of person in that last line - third to second, I believe - makes it stand out even more. That's the line that sticks in your reader's mind - "gorgeous fuck-up" especially, of course, since it's also your title. It's a very common method in writing, of course, to end with the title, whether in poetry or prose. But for once, 'common' doesn't automatically equal bad: it is an incredibly effective technique and you've carried it out well.

OK, so...There are a couple of grammatical errors in here, which you might want to sort. Not a ridiculous amount, but because it's so short they do jump out at you a bit! Quite simply, in the last stanza, "to" ("way to fast") should be "too", and on that final line "your" should be "you're". And if we're being picky, "fuckup" should be "fuck-up"...but that's not too much of a problem.

As I say, the others wouldn't matter so much (well, they WOULD, but they wouldn't be as immediately obvious, anyway, but because it's so concentrated, they stand out. And that's not a knock at the style, because I love concentrated poems. It's just that your reader's attention never wavers (a good thing, surely!) so they do tend to pick up the errors. Especially in that last line, which as I mentioned, stands out.

OK, so, what else? That first stanza is very powerful. It's like peeping through a keyhole. You see a tiny little bit of what's going on and you're able to piece together the story behind the words. Lovely. Nice attention to detail, too - "pink lace panties" rather than just "panties". I would suggest, though, using the word "far" instead of "way", simply because "way" is a colloquialism.

The second stanza too is good. Not as powerful as the first, perhaps, but still good. "Perfume sobs" is a lovely phrase: "eyeliner tears", however, is a little cliched. Though the fact that it's blue eyeliner rescues it a little, I would still be wary of using too many phrases like that.

"tiny size /z.e.r.o/ frame" - Well, you do know what I think of formatting, though I admit that it's nicely done here, right in the middle of the poem and quite simple. Personally, though, I still can't see what it adds, but it doesn't really detract either, I suppose. What I do think, though, is that part of this line is superfluous. "size zero frame" indicates that she is tiny: you don't need to tell us so as well. It would scan better without the "tiny", too.

The one thing I do have to say about that stanza is that it seems very disconnected from the rest, possibly because it ends with a period. Personally, I'd be tempted to make it begin and end with ellipses. It would fit better and add to the 'keyhole' style you have going here. In fact, I might even suggest doing that for both the first two stanzas. The last stanza, as a statement, doesn't really need it, although it would work there too if you wanted continuity.

Actually, I think it's the last stanza that lets it down a bit for me. It's just a bit...anticlimatic. It doesn't make much sense. Who's speaking? A mother? A friend, as I first thought? Herself, maybe? I guess ambiguity is a good thing, but it comes across as just a bit...confusing, really. I don't know - it COULD work...actually, I'm rethinking that, now, it isn't too bad...But I would suggest again rephrasing "way" as "far". And to give it a bit more emphasis, shock factor, I'd consider using harsher wording, maybe "you fucked him far too fast". It would make your reader sit back a second and take it in.

That last line, too, is very effective. I would consider putting ellipses and a 'because' onto the beginning - "...because no matter how hard you try..." - I think it would flow better. But even as it stands, it's effective.

Well, that's me done again...phew...*grins*...And as per usual, I sign off by mentioning that if you have any problems (doubt you will, this time, I'm nice as pie...:D)/don't understand anything (I have a habit of using over-technical terms when reviewing)/want to talk (about writing or otherwise), feel free to drop me a line - .

Yours, The Watched

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service