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for Come Cover Me previously untitled

1/8/2015 c2 6angelinsydney
Light erotica is subjective. What's light to you may be hard core for others.

What sets you apart as a writer of erotica is your amazing grasp of the English grammar. I am so jealous and I mean this 100%.

Keep up the good work.
1/8/2015 c1 angelinsydney
It is well written. Although it's not my sort of literature I can still appreciate the effort you put into it. There's emotional resonance, not just a whole heap of tiltillation.

You did a good job overall.
12/1/2007 c2 atreyu love
10/16/2007 c1 13FM Radio
Wow! You have a style that is all your own, and it is wonderful.
10/8/2007 c2 JadedFox
Nice stuff. Passionate, raw, real. I love it.
8/14/2007 c1 Moz
You've been kind enough to review my stories, so I thought I'd return the favour. Wow, this is seriously hot stuff! I'm surprised you enjoy reading my fluffy, sappy little stories! But anyway, great mix of dialogue and description. Your attention to detail is fantastic. You should certainly post more of your stories.
7/28/2007 c2 2Lukertin
You should have written, "kay, then kiss the guy and spit his come back into his mouth" That would have been hilarious.

I'd be laughing.
7/28/2007 c1 Lukertin
Congratulations on writing a stroke story. And yes, it's never sex, it's just fucking.
4/7/2007 c2 hellokittygirl
shit, you're kickass. =)

i love this. i'm not exactly a huge fan of female dominance, but it was still wonderful.

update soon?

4/5/2007 c2 1Tempest116
wow that was hot
3/24/2007 c2 13Sirivinda
Wow. I don't really know what to make of this. It's very interesting. I'll go through the things I thought of when I read it. (This is going to be one hella long review, hope you don't mind).

You use dots a lot in the first chapter; for example "you just looked at me...silent". I'm getting the impression you're doing it to emphasize what follows the dots. I kind of like it, in a way it's like the dots make the story sort of bitter-sweet, if you know what I mean? You're creating a sense of insecurity with them.

The first chapter is... I can't think of a good word here. There's a very interesting power struggle going on between the narrator and her partner. It's interesting, because in most sex scenes, there's an obvious top and an obvious bottom. I don't think it's quite clear here who's in control. It's quite fascinating, but it's also quite unnerving. It seems like the narrator sort of gives in when she realises it's not just about sex. That was her claim to control, but in the end she gives it up.

The sex in the first chapter - and this is going to sound really weird, probably - really does strike me as an account of something that has actually happened (am I making you blush yet? Probably not, huh?), rather than something that was thought up just for the sake of an erotic short story. For some reason it was the detail about how the narrator lets go of her partner's chest to hold her hair up to her head that made me think that. I couldn't really tell you why. It's not a bad thing, although it's probably something to be aware of so that it doesn't turn into a dear diary type format.

In the second chapter the narrator seems to be clearly in control over her partner.

I like how you use a lot of body details, descriptions of muscles tensing, dry lips, watching eyes, et cetera.

If you want any contructive criticism, I'd say that the language is a little bit uneven. For example, the sentence "You gasped, screamed my name as you came so fucking hard for me"... When I read it, I thought the "fucking" seemed a bit out of place. It's something you'd probably say in the moment, as it were, but probably not write down when you're describing it afterwards. It's a mix of beautiful observation, and pretty crude words. It would be easier to give a good suggestion of what to do about it if I knew properly what you were aiming for. I mean, it's not really "light erotica", if you ask me. ;) It's pretty hardcore, some of it. I would probably decide on a style and stick with it. Seeing as the sex is the main theme, (the band and the music is an interesting background that I'm hoping you'll develop more in future chapters) I'd suggest you use straight-forward but not quite as adult language. To give another example of this;

"After licking a long stroke up my pussy lips…you came up and kissed me, holding me in your arms."

The imagery of being held in someone's arms and whatnot is beautiful, but then there's licking "pussy lips", which sure is a nice thing, but I'd probably phrase it differently.

But apart from that, especially considering that this is your first attempt, I think you've managed really well. Keep it up. Just so you know, I was aiming for an encouraging review here. :) Take care.
3/3/2007 c1 28woodstock1969
Very poetic! I like.
4/22/2006 c2 satoshii
Wow... all I can say is wow... is this a oneshot? If it is going to be, please don't stop here... this is very good for your first attempt... and it's sweet that you wrote it for your boyfriend... is this what you do to him at night when you guys are alone? You guys are so lucky... keep up the good work and update when you can!
4/22/2006 c2 Dannie
I really like it! I can't wait till your next update!
4/20/2006 c2 8Dark Heart of Emery
that was really good, again the attention to detail was amazing, and NOT LIKE THAT! aanyway good stuff, hope to see even more
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