for Headspace6/20/2006 c1 
174marshbar960
i do not understand what this poem is about yet i do like the first line "the street has eyes tonight". and to answer your question:
the only way you will receive your salvation is through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father, except through Me."John 14:6
174marshbar960i do not understand what this poem is about yet i do like the first line "the street has eyes tonight". and to answer your question:
the only way you will receive your salvation is through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father, except through Me."John 14:6
6/19/2006 c1 24heroin zombie
A little messy. I couldn't quite get a substantial mental image out of any of that. It jumps around, with a whole bunch of sensations mixing around, and because of the often poor sentence structure and the lack of rhythm, many of the lines simply collapsed and weren't really able to convey whatever it was they were supposed to convey. I suggest figuring out exactly it is you want to get across: the message, tone, style, everything, and then carefully hammer out the lines so that they're at least structurally sound. You just want the poem to be able to stand on its own, and not cave in under awkward grammar. As it is, your rhyming doesn't help things. It sounds a bit rigid and corny. Try and get rhythm across through enjambment, alliteration, anything. Partial or internal rhymes are also a good alternative to the stiff rhyming you have here. Hopefully after you tidy up the sentence structure and rhyme scheme your imagery will come through.
24heroin zombieA little messy. I couldn't quite get a substantial mental image out of any of that. It jumps around, with a whole bunch of sensations mixing around, and because of the often poor sentence structure and the lack of rhythm, many of the lines simply collapsed and weren't really able to convey whatever it was they were supposed to convey. I suggest figuring out exactly it is you want to get across: the message, tone, style, everything, and then carefully hammer out the lines so that they're at least structurally sound. You just want the poem to be able to stand on its own, and not cave in under awkward grammar. As it is, your rhyming doesn't help things. It sounds a bit rigid and corny. Try and get rhythm across through enjambment, alliteration, anything. Partial or internal rhymes are also a good alternative to the stiff rhyming you have here. Hopefully after you tidy up the sentence structure and rhyme scheme your imagery will come through.