Just In
for Rune

2/16/2010 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
The opening paragraph in which our heroine is looking like a living skeleton and suffering some kind of illness doesn't quite flow for me. It's mostly very good, it just needs a few nips and tucks and it'll be fine.

I think what you might want to do is give us a slightly wider context. The first few paragraphs - until he looks out the window - are quite evocative, but I'm lacking a sense of where this is happening. I'll guess it's in a hospital, but if she's in a hospital bed then why has he just made the judgement that the disease had struck her first? It doesn't quite fit to me. But anyway, I feel a need to see what's around him and her. It'll help put her in some kind of context and give the entire introduction a boost.

My initial thought was that the man is a villain and that he was hoping for the queen's death. But then I get a sense of a weight of responsibility on his shoulders - am I right? I'm not sure whether you made that sense of villainy deliberately or not, but it's there all the same.

I'm interested in the relationship between Zandler and his mother. It's ambiguous to me whether she has simply been a bad mother who just happened to be a very good at manipulating (and left him embittered as a result) or whether she really is a gentle and wise leader who is talking to a naturally angry young man. This is reason to want to read on, methinks!

I think the final sentence needs a little more added. Either indication that he's denying himself the right to grieve, or a sense of dissociation as he's in shock, or simple anger that she just gave him a task and then died without explaining properly. But just him leaving... it feels like it's missing a crucial element and, even if you leave me wanting more information, it just needs some indication of what he's feeling.

Regardless, well done - it's an interesting enough prologue that I want to carry on reading!

- Pay back via Academy 7.

- From the Roadhouse.
1/21/2010 c2 6MeAsIAm
review for both chapters:

When I read the date in the prologue, i was a bit alarmed, but after reading the AN in the first chapter, it gave me some solace.

The story, so far, is good. I like the characters, especially the difference in the two lead characters drove home hard.

Zandler seems to be disturbed even after five years (he is 20 now, right?) and Avaylla too seems interesting.

I am looking forward to more.

Update soon?
4/17/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
Poor mother. I wonder why he didn't like her. Well... at least he hold her hand...sniff

I also wonder what lies in the book her mother told him about. (remind me of one of my stories They Loathe Gun and Money... so yay, I felt related!)

Interesting prolongue (nod nod)
1/18/2009 c2 1Rockstar with a Vendetta
First, I think your summary is very catching. It makes a reader curious.

The plot seems interesting, and your grammar is very well-written. I hope you plan on updating soon ?
1/18/2009 c1 8C.M.F Wright
I'm quite impressed with the beginning of this story. You get into the scene very quickly, almost instantly establishing the relationship between mother and son. And it's an -interesting- relationship, too, not the usual mundane "Oh my mother is dying, how sad!" business. It feels -real-. Zandler's conflicted and doesn't really know how he sees the queen, and that aspect of his character comes through clearly in the first section. I commend you.

I do feel like this scene could have been developed a little bit more in terms of description. It's very short. You could probably get away with showing a bit more of Zandler's thoughts, or giving a bit of backstory (and if the queen was dying, wouldn't there be other people there, too, like maids and doctors and priests who would have to be sent out of the room?). Some of the grammar is also a little questionable when the queen talks... for instance:

“Zandler I…” (S)he paused and then went on, “I know that you and I, we never were as close as I suppose we should have been, but… I have always cared. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you and how much I really do care and I…" (O)nce again she paused(.) "(B)efore I forget there’s something you must know(.)” (S)till holding onto his hand, she used all the energy she had left to barely get into a sitting position(.)

Still, quite impressive for a first story, excellent job with the emotions, and nice flow. Keep it up!


8/16/2008 c1 la bonne annee
That was a good start. You brought in the plot quickly which is good. The relationship between the mother and son is intersting too, however, for him to be so cold to her while she's frail and dying would suggest that there was more to the relationship than just never being close. For him to have so much hatred or indifference, I would expcet she must have done something horrible to him, or let someone else do something horrible to him. However, maybe that is the case, we don't really know at this point, do we? I really enjoyed it though, and you can take it to a whole nutha level...If you know what I mean. Which I hope you do, because I don't really.

Do you think you can review my story, "Just Like Honey"? I just put up chapter two, but its not too long, I promise!
8/15/2008 c2 2dragonflydreamer
Review Game!

You have a very strong narration style. It's very solid; I found no awkward wording or typos. It also has a fantasy-like feel to it without being too fancy. It fits the story well and keeps it interesting.

My only concrit would be that the second section had a lot of sentences that began with "he," particularly in the first paragraph of the section. It just got a bit repetative. Other than that, you're good to go.

Well, I hope you update sometime before 2010!
8/13/2008 c2 7LiberryBooked
Once again I'm in awe of your fabulous descriptions. They really make reading the story more enjoyable and interesting.

The only thing that kind of didn't like in this chapter was the one line "p. ‘She must have collapsed from the heat…’ Avaylla thought gravely " Gravely sounds odd. Mostly because there is little or no reaction from the character and the cringing makes sense but the gravely was bugging me for some reason.

8/13/2008 c1 LiberryBooked
The prologue does a very good job of hooking in the reader and I liked the way you showed Zandler's character very clearly through just the way he behaved. But it seems as though he's almost emotionless and comes across as a bit like the typical evil character. Maybe that's because its just the first chapter and we haven't seen much of him yet, but that's the impression I get so far.

I really enjoyed it though,

8/4/2008 c1 9Regina Scorpio
I love this story idea! I'm bouncing around in my seat as I type. There's so much you could do with this, and I really hope you continue it. I'm asuming it takes place in a fantasy world, so that would explain the odd names. Zandler really is a bit of an ass, isn't he? :)

Thing only I really found to be a problem was that the dialouge. It seemed like it didn't flow well together and most of the time they spoke in short phrases. However, if that is what you were going for, you did an excellent job!
8/4/2008 c2 4poisonous.substance
lol i hope it won't take long.

(I've just finished reading the LABB and I feel smart. :P)

I like where this is going update soon!
8/4/2008 c1 1Keshuoo
*Review game*

I was double reviewed, so I owe you one. Great opening first of all! I think you did a good job at establishing Zandler's personality. I can tell from how he wonders if he'll be a good leader but wouldn't admit it even to his dying mother. I mean, I don't think he was trying to comfort her in her final moments. I believe he must be a rather cold person, but at least not a cocky jerk.

Good opening I think it did a good job placing the setting without bogging the reader down with a bunch of overly detailed, unimportant mumbo jumbo. :)
7/31/2008 c1 1Very Serious
Pretty good. As a prologue, it served its purpose by wetting our appetite for the story. The opening scene was especially good, because it lead you in slowly and let the details come to light almost one by one.

A problem I had was with your misuse of a common idiomatic expression. Here's the phrase you wrote: "Flesh and bones were almost all she was right now" I think you meant that she was very thin, so the phrase is "Skin and bones" not "Flesh and bones." Also, when narrating a story in the past tense, try to avoid the word "now" because it implies the present. To get a similar idea across you could use "At that moment" or simply "then."

Overall, pretty good for a first try!
7/19/2008 c2 10Koki Enwai
Ah! The chapters are too short!

Anyway, it's really good. I'm anxious to read more of it; hopefully it won't take to long for the next chapter to be ready! Your characters seem realistic, as does the dialogue, and overall, you've done a great job so far.

Keep up the good work!

- Koki
7/19/2008 c2 4Myrix
Very intersesting second chapter =D. It would be good if the chapters were longer though

sincerely, Mirium
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