for The Lone Islands second draft4/24/2009 c12 
18GRAYTEXT
This is a well-written chapter. I didn't find any grammatical problems. Just a few stylistic things:
I've never noticed Carl saying "chaps." Is that new, or have I not been paying attention?
I'm not sure "edible" is the right word for water. Imbibable, perhaps?
"He could remember nothing about yew berries that pertained to this situation. He frowned. Yew branches were used to make bows. That was the only thing he could remember. He could not call to mind a single one of its medical uses." strike out the last sentence.
But otherwise, great job. My favorite line in the chapter:
"Everyone but Carl was trying to figure out how the water could be edible. Carl was trying to figure out how he could sneak away without Jane noticing."
Hope read more soon.
18GRAYTEXTThis is a well-written chapter. I didn't find any grammatical problems. Just a few stylistic things:
I've never noticed Carl saying "chaps." Is that new, or have I not been paying attention?
I'm not sure "edible" is the right word for water. Imbibable, perhaps?
"He could remember nothing about yew berries that pertained to this situation. He frowned. Yew branches were used to make bows. That was the only thing he could remember. He could not call to mind a single one of its medical uses." strike out the last sentence.
But otherwise, great job. My favorite line in the chapter:
"Everyone but Carl was trying to figure out how the water could be edible. Carl was trying to figure out how he could sneak away without Jane noticing."
Hope read more soon.
4/2/2009 c2 iAdventure
I’ve re-read this chapter to give you a more thorough critique and further elaborate on those points I’ve presented in my first review. I know you’ve written this some time ago, but having moved on to other chapters since, I’m noticing this trend continuing, so I’ll do my best to be as thorough as possible. Feel free to ask me to clarify if you need me to.
Scene Setting.
The great thing about the fantasy genre is that we can be taken to new, exotic locals without getting up from our comfy, cozy armchairs—and all it usually takes is a few unique, background details. But you don’t give us any details. Your setting comes off flat. All we know is that there’s a castle and a royal family and a whole bunch of shipbuilding going on and a very distant impression of what might be the middle ages—but we’re not sure. We don’t even know what the weather is like, what country we’re in or how it is different from the one the reader lives in now. But most of all, we lack a general ‘feel’ for the customs or atmosphere of this place and its characters.
I think you should spend some time exploring the details. And you have plenty of opportunities to do so where some unanswered questions and loopholes in logic remain. For example, why is the Queen cooking? That fact is casually dropped into the writing as if that’s commonplace. Obviously, in your world, it must be, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it—and it gives the reader the impression that this particular royal family is /very/ down the earth… but why? That’s not normal, royal behavior. That’s unique! Quick, tell us more. We want to plug into your world, want to know more about it. The story can go on, but we got to care about the world and the characters that it is all happening to before we can care about the story.
Other questions: why are they building the castle here? Didn’t the royal family have a castle before? Why are Katje and her father visiting?
Improbabilities.
Perhaps because this is fantasy and once you’ve read a couple hundred, you just assume there are reasons, but I can’t believe I didn’t notice this on my first read through.
Why is a seventeen year old heir to the throne, with presumably no sea-faring or crew-managing experience, embarking on a possibly dangerous expedition to a bunch of unknown islands?
Because you haven’t hinted at it before, and because I don’t get a feel for his cultural background or what he stands for, I can’t even begin speculate as to what reasons there may be for it. Uh oh. I just challenged your main character’s concept. That’s trouble.
Like the castle those dwarves are building for the royal family, you need to lay the groundwork for the characters and events you’re writing about for your reader. Readers like picking up clues and details and piecing them together as the story moves forward. The last thing you want to do is give them a reason to pause and say: “Huh? And how does that makes sense?” because it tears them out of your story. And when that happens, they start questioning things. And if they can’t find answers to your questions, they /will/ abandon it. They don’t have the patience to sit back and create possibilities and explanations. You’re the author. That’s your job.
But going back to Roland’s character concept and to the core problem I’ve addressed in my first review: you need to inject a bit of conflict. Create trouble for your character, him vs. the events of the story. So far, everything that has happened in this first chapter is really bland. And I’ve read ahead, and chapter two and three aren’t looking all too much edge-of-the-seat either. Think how much more /alive/ Roland would be if, despite the fact he had all the qualifications of a sailor, his parents weren’t allowing him to go and he had to sneak aboard that ship. Or if he was assigned the leader of the expedition as some sort of royal rite of passage, but the whole thing challenged his idea of what a royal prince should be—in a comfortable castle, surrounded by luxury and waiting servants—and he really didn’t want to do this.
Or perhaps Katje would cause some trouble for him. That girl just got away with getting on that ship all too easily. First Roland, than her father caved to her demands too quickly—and she was met with no resistance from the other sailors. (I suppose that women aboard ships superstition doesn’t apply to your story. Why? What customs do your sailors have?)
What if she cleverly blackmailed Roland into taking her with him? That would hint of conflict to come, and get your reader asking—ooh! How is he going to deal with this? Or if she had some profound reason to go to the islands or had to hide away from her parents for some reason?
In the second chapter, we have more of the same problem with some continuity contradictions.
At the beginning of the chapter, you mention that the expedition ships are hastily built. Then you have Roland proudly telling Katje that its important to plan ahead. Hastily built ships do not make it sound like a lot of thought went into them. You also mention there's no cannons; that doesn't sound like they're equipped for battle. Strange. They're going on an expedition into uncharted lands, and the group even anticipates pirates. A fleet of unarmored ships with an inexperienced 'captain' at the herald on a potential dangerous adventure do not sound very planned or logical to me. Roland is right: they're not going on a leisure cruise...
Yet, you take some time to give us a tour of the ship, which is nice, but again, no conflict. I actually got excited when they said Stephan was missing. I sat up in my chair, thinking, YES!, some action...and oh, nevermind, he's right behind him.
Ho-hum.
Everything still has too much sunshine and gum-drops. The characters all have very flat, cheery personalities... and while their intereactions give some semblance of life, its not the same as having their unique personality and values shining through because they have a problem to solve.
Perhaps the problem is that the story doesn't in fact begin in your first or second chapter. Maybe you could just keep these as background info for your own purposes. There's no inciting incident that challenges the protagonist... which is what is supposed to happen shortly after the story begins. Think mythic model, Hero's Journey, and every book you've read, or movie you've watched. The hero's normal life is abruptly interrupted, and while he initially resists in some way, he quickly is presented with little choice but to confront these new circumstances.
Thus far, Roland, Katje, Neb and the gang are going along with this all too willingly. You got to put them to work.
As soon as you start creating conflict, you find you have to justify it. And as you justify, and lay ground work, you’re putting in details. As you’re putting in details, you’re piecing together the world that your reader wants to know more about and wants to be apart of. Which will solve some of the problems I outlined in my discussion above about chapter one.
But in a nutshell, I suppose I would advise you three things:
1. Give your protagonist a problem to solve that he can’t solve immediately, and that will carry him through the story…
2. Keep your reader worried about your characters. Throw them into trouble. Or anticipate trouble to come.
3. Details, details, details.
I know you won't be discouraged. Just chatting with you briefly tells me you're one tough cookie and you expect it :) Hopefully this will help you out... and if I haven't been clear in some way, please let me know.
Anyway, phew, you’re right! These do take a while to put down into writing…
Cheers.
I’ve re-read this chapter to give you a more thorough critique and further elaborate on those points I’ve presented in my first review. I know you’ve written this some time ago, but having moved on to other chapters since, I’m noticing this trend continuing, so I’ll do my best to be as thorough as possible. Feel free to ask me to clarify if you need me to.
Scene Setting.
The great thing about the fantasy genre is that we can be taken to new, exotic locals without getting up from our comfy, cozy armchairs—and all it usually takes is a few unique, background details. But you don’t give us any details. Your setting comes off flat. All we know is that there’s a castle and a royal family and a whole bunch of shipbuilding going on and a very distant impression of what might be the middle ages—but we’re not sure. We don’t even know what the weather is like, what country we’re in or how it is different from the one the reader lives in now. But most of all, we lack a general ‘feel’ for the customs or atmosphere of this place and its characters.
I think you should spend some time exploring the details. And you have plenty of opportunities to do so where some unanswered questions and loopholes in logic remain. For example, why is the Queen cooking? That fact is casually dropped into the writing as if that’s commonplace. Obviously, in your world, it must be, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it—and it gives the reader the impression that this particular royal family is /very/ down the earth… but why? That’s not normal, royal behavior. That’s unique! Quick, tell us more. We want to plug into your world, want to know more about it. The story can go on, but we got to care about the world and the characters that it is all happening to before we can care about the story.
Other questions: why are they building the castle here? Didn’t the royal family have a castle before? Why are Katje and her father visiting?
Improbabilities.
Perhaps because this is fantasy and once you’ve read a couple hundred, you just assume there are reasons, but I can’t believe I didn’t notice this on my first read through.
Why is a seventeen year old heir to the throne, with presumably no sea-faring or crew-managing experience, embarking on a possibly dangerous expedition to a bunch of unknown islands?
Because you haven’t hinted at it before, and because I don’t get a feel for his cultural background or what he stands for, I can’t even begin speculate as to what reasons there may be for it. Uh oh. I just challenged your main character’s concept. That’s trouble.
Like the castle those dwarves are building for the royal family, you need to lay the groundwork for the characters and events you’re writing about for your reader. Readers like picking up clues and details and piecing them together as the story moves forward. The last thing you want to do is give them a reason to pause and say: “Huh? And how does that makes sense?” because it tears them out of your story. And when that happens, they start questioning things. And if they can’t find answers to your questions, they /will/ abandon it. They don’t have the patience to sit back and create possibilities and explanations. You’re the author. That’s your job.
But going back to Roland’s character concept and to the core problem I’ve addressed in my first review: you need to inject a bit of conflict. Create trouble for your character, him vs. the events of the story. So far, everything that has happened in this first chapter is really bland. And I’ve read ahead, and chapter two and three aren’t looking all too much edge-of-the-seat either. Think how much more /alive/ Roland would be if, despite the fact he had all the qualifications of a sailor, his parents weren’t allowing him to go and he had to sneak aboard that ship. Or if he was assigned the leader of the expedition as some sort of royal rite of passage, but the whole thing challenged his idea of what a royal prince should be—in a comfortable castle, surrounded by luxury and waiting servants—and he really didn’t want to do this.
Or perhaps Katje would cause some trouble for him. That girl just got away with getting on that ship all too easily. First Roland, than her father caved to her demands too quickly—and she was met with no resistance from the other sailors. (I suppose that women aboard ships superstition doesn’t apply to your story. Why? What customs do your sailors have?)
What if she cleverly blackmailed Roland into taking her with him? That would hint of conflict to come, and get your reader asking—ooh! How is he going to deal with this? Or if she had some profound reason to go to the islands or had to hide away from her parents for some reason?
In the second chapter, we have more of the same problem with some continuity contradictions.
At the beginning of the chapter, you mention that the expedition ships are hastily built. Then you have Roland proudly telling Katje that its important to plan ahead. Hastily built ships do not make it sound like a lot of thought went into them. You also mention there's no cannons; that doesn't sound like they're equipped for battle. Strange. They're going on an expedition into uncharted lands, and the group even anticipates pirates. A fleet of unarmored ships with an inexperienced 'captain' at the herald on a potential dangerous adventure do not sound very planned or logical to me. Roland is right: they're not going on a leisure cruise...
Yet, you take some time to give us a tour of the ship, which is nice, but again, no conflict. I actually got excited when they said Stephan was missing. I sat up in my chair, thinking, YES!, some action...and oh, nevermind, he's right behind him.
Ho-hum.
Everything still has too much sunshine and gum-drops. The characters all have very flat, cheery personalities... and while their intereactions give some semblance of life, its not the same as having their unique personality and values shining through because they have a problem to solve.
Perhaps the problem is that the story doesn't in fact begin in your first or second chapter. Maybe you could just keep these as background info for your own purposes. There's no inciting incident that challenges the protagonist... which is what is supposed to happen shortly after the story begins. Think mythic model, Hero's Journey, and every book you've read, or movie you've watched. The hero's normal life is abruptly interrupted, and while he initially resists in some way, he quickly is presented with little choice but to confront these new circumstances.
Thus far, Roland, Katje, Neb and the gang are going along with this all too willingly. You got to put them to work.
As soon as you start creating conflict, you find you have to justify it. And as you justify, and lay ground work, you’re putting in details. As you’re putting in details, you’re piecing together the world that your reader wants to know more about and wants to be apart of. Which will solve some of the problems I outlined in my discussion above about chapter one.
But in a nutshell, I suppose I would advise you three things:
1. Give your protagonist a problem to solve that he can’t solve immediately, and that will carry him through the story…
2. Keep your reader worried about your characters. Throw them into trouble. Or anticipate trouble to come.
3. Details, details, details.
I know you won't be discouraged. Just chatting with you briefly tells me you're one tough cookie and you expect it :) Hopefully this will help you out... and if I haven't been clear in some way, please let me know.
Anyway, phew, you’re right! These do take a while to put down into writing…
Cheers.
3/26/2009 c11 GRAYTEXT
Sorry it's taken so long.
"Katjè, the day you become helpless the world will stop spinning, the sky will fall down, and volcanoes will issue forth snow" Great line. That whole scene was well written.
Actually this whole chapter is well written. The only thing I found was the last exchange between Katje and Roland. The five-ten joke doesn't work because she had said minutes to begin with. Roland would have automatically corrected her.
Otherwise, great revision.
Sorry it's taken so long.
"Katjè, the day you become helpless the world will stop spinning, the sky will fall down, and volcanoes will issue forth snow" Great line. That whole scene was well written.
Actually this whole chapter is well written. The only thing I found was the last exchange between Katje and Roland. The five-ten joke doesn't work because she had said minutes to begin with. Roland would have automatically corrected her.
Otherwise, great revision.
3/22/2009 c1 iAdventure
Well, I'm enjoying myself, so I can't say I agree with you when you say that this chapter is 'boring.' But I suppose I can see your problem. If you want to liven up your beginning, perhaps you can forego the introductions and just drop your readers into the action. By the time I got to the end of this scene, I found myself wishing for a little bit more than a conflict of interests between Katje and Roland (which ended up being resolved). Perhaps you could give us a glimpse into the overall story problem somewhere in this chapter, have us anticipate whats to come besides the voyage of two friends.
Hopefully that thought will assist you during your next draft :)
Cheers.
Well, I'm enjoying myself, so I can't say I agree with you when you say that this chapter is 'boring.' But I suppose I can see your problem. If you want to liven up your beginning, perhaps you can forego the introductions and just drop your readers into the action. By the time I got to the end of this scene, I found myself wishing for a little bit more than a conflict of interests between Katje and Roland (which ended up being resolved). Perhaps you could give us a glimpse into the overall story problem somewhere in this chapter, have us anticipate whats to come besides the voyage of two friends.
Hopefully that thought will assist you during your next draft :)
Cheers.
2/18/2009 c10 GRAYTEXT
Great chapter. I like the gradual increase of Katje and Lester's afflictions. I only saw one typo: "Her gratitude was short lived however" comma before however. Other than that, it was well-written. One question. How did the sand go from blinding to riveting? Is it just a quirk of the affliction? I hope to see another update soon.
Great chapter. I like the gradual increase of Katje and Lester's afflictions. I only saw one typo: "Her gratitude was short lived however" comma before however. Other than that, it was well-written. One question. How did the sand go from blinding to riveting? Is it just a quirk of the affliction? I hope to see another update soon.
12/13/2008 c9 GRAYTEXT
No trouble at all to reread it.
I think the darkness works. The vine wouldn't be distinguishable from tree braches to one with normal vision. And I can't remember if Roland was "jealous" in the first draft or not, but I like that he is.
Ha! Sock stew. I think that scene slowed the action down, but I like it this way. It builds up Katje's vision...issue.
Great revision.
No trouble at all to reread it.
I think the darkness works. The vine wouldn't be distinguishable from tree braches to one with normal vision. And I can't remember if Roland was "jealous" in the first draft or not, but I like that he is.
Ha! Sock stew. I think that scene slowed the action down, but I like it this way. It builds up Katje's vision...issue.
Great revision.
11/12/2008 c9 GRAYTEXT
Don't worry about the time. If you had posted in those two and a half months, I probably wouldn't have been able to review it. Life has been a frenzy of gnats lately.
I'm reviewing again as I read.
"the canteen was passed around" You could just say "they passed the canteen around" to avoid invoking the evil passive voice.
"What could be wrong with it" Ha, famous last words.
"Suddenly, from down the hill there came a yelp." could more effectively be "someone yelped from downstream." It's odd that when writers use suddenly, the action is no longer sudden because it takes longer for someone to read.
Where did Roland and Joseph come from? Did I miss something?
Nice quagmire conversation. I love how calm Lester is, the one needing saved, compared to how frantic everyone else is.
The "you're heavy" to "you're gorgeous" is hilareous, as is "My Shoes!"
The being able to hear a leaf is odd, but seeing a vine twelve feet up isn't quite so remarkable.
I wanted to see the drama with the sock in the stew. Poor Stephen.
Nice buildup with the eyes and ears, though if Lester couldn't hear well, why did he drop the barrel? I get why Katje did it.
Good ending to the chapter. I like Katje's sense of humor. Other than what I've mentioned, I didn't see much of anything wrong. Another excellent read.
Don't worry about the time. If you had posted in those two and a half months, I probably wouldn't have been able to review it. Life has been a frenzy of gnats lately.
I'm reviewing again as I read.
"the canteen was passed around" You could just say "they passed the canteen around" to avoid invoking the evil passive voice.
"What could be wrong with it" Ha, famous last words.
"Suddenly, from down the hill there came a yelp." could more effectively be "someone yelped from downstream." It's odd that when writers use suddenly, the action is no longer sudden because it takes longer for someone to read.
Where did Roland and Joseph come from? Did I miss something?
Nice quagmire conversation. I love how calm Lester is, the one needing saved, compared to how frantic everyone else is.
The "you're heavy" to "you're gorgeous" is hilareous, as is "My Shoes!"
The being able to hear a leaf is odd, but seeing a vine twelve feet up isn't quite so remarkable.
I wanted to see the drama with the sock in the stew. Poor Stephen.
Nice buildup with the eyes and ears, though if Lester couldn't hear well, why did he drop the barrel? I get why Katje did it.
Good ending to the chapter. I like Katje's sense of humor. Other than what I've mentioned, I didn't see much of anything wrong. Another excellent read.
9/8/2008 c8 GRAYTEXT
I typing this as I read.
“Nonsense. I’m just never as careful as you want me to be." That definitely describes a few people I know.
His throat went very dry. “I would be very interested in hearing your logical and valid points for this.” She swallowed. “Well, it would make me very happy.” There were a lot of verys there. You probably don't need any of them. Very is an illegal word in my fiction class.
The stench was well described. I almost choked reading it.
Poor Carl. It's what he gets for trying to be an acrobat. The pendulum scene was amusing. I loved all of it.
“Some trees get splotchy when they’re sick.” That's just great.
You did a great job adding amusement to the scouting party. Not at all boring as you feared.
Too bad the concert was rained out. And amazing how Rosalie tamed Stephen. Great job, and I look forward to more as always.
I typing this as I read.
“Nonsense. I’m just never as careful as you want me to be." That definitely describes a few people I know.
His throat went very dry. “I would be very interested in hearing your logical and valid points for this.” She swallowed. “Well, it would make me very happy.” There were a lot of verys there. You probably don't need any of them. Very is an illegal word in my fiction class.
The stench was well described. I almost choked reading it.
Poor Carl. It's what he gets for trying to be an acrobat. The pendulum scene was amusing. I loved all of it.
“Some trees get splotchy when they’re sick.” That's just great.
You did a great job adding amusement to the scouting party. Not at all boring as you feared.
Too bad the concert was rained out. And amazing how Rosalie tamed Stephen. Great job, and I look forward to more as always.
7/9/2008 c7 GRAYTEXT
Finally, summer classes are finished, and I can devote the time your story deserves!
The opening with Stephen was great, funny, and revealing about his character.
“How could you! He might have died!” Each word was accented by another lash from the dishrag. Ha! I just see that!
I had forgotten that Nebrini hadn't come back yet. It was a good reunion. I liked Carl's hallucination comment...and Roland's discovery of the crate.
Carl's character is definitely fleshing out. He would have been the class clown, I guess, but in severe situations like these, it's good to have that personality around.
The pipe made me think of the flask Gibbs loses in the first Pirates; it was funny though.
"Carl looked at her upside-down face thoughtfully. “Will you make me a pie?”" I think that was the funniest thing I've read so far.
I would vote for random small island with oranges, too.
A few things:
"I haven’t gotten into trouble once, you can’t possibly leave me behind!” probably needs a semicolon or a period.
"I‘ve mopped, and mopped, and mopped and I-” You don't need the commas since you have the ands. If you took the ands out, you could leave the commas, but I think I like the ands better.
"whipped a cloth at his‘s face." his's? Probably leftover from the name. Interesting typo, though.
"and a very hot looking Katjè stumbled in." It makes hot sound like a physical trait. Maybe sweaty would be a better term.
Otherwise, another brilliant chapter. I can't wait for another update.
Finally, summer classes are finished, and I can devote the time your story deserves!
The opening with Stephen was great, funny, and revealing about his character.
“How could you! He might have died!” Each word was accented by another lash from the dishrag. Ha! I just see that!
I had forgotten that Nebrini hadn't come back yet. It was a good reunion. I liked Carl's hallucination comment...and Roland's discovery of the crate.
Carl's character is definitely fleshing out. He would have been the class clown, I guess, but in severe situations like these, it's good to have that personality around.
The pipe made me think of the flask Gibbs loses in the first Pirates; it was funny though.
"Carl looked at her upside-down face thoughtfully. “Will you make me a pie?”" I think that was the funniest thing I've read so far.
I would vote for random small island with oranges, too.
A few things:
"I haven’t gotten into trouble once, you can’t possibly leave me behind!” probably needs a semicolon or a period.
"I‘ve mopped, and mopped, and mopped and I-” You don't need the commas since you have the ands. If you took the ands out, you could leave the commas, but I think I like the ands better.
"whipped a cloth at his‘s face." his's? Probably leftover from the name. Interesting typo, though.
"and a very hot looking Katjè stumbled in." It makes hot sound like a physical trait. Maybe sweaty would be a better term.
Otherwise, another brilliant chapter. I can't wait for another update.
6/3/2008 c6 GRAYTEXT
Another wonderfully rewritten chapter. I believe you've added quite a bit, especially between Jane and Carl. I liked the additions. They gave me more of a chance to get to know these characters. I trust Steve is behaving himself.
“You can never tell with those wizards. They all like blowing things up.” Oh so true.
“Meanwhile, I’ll stay here and endure painful, agonizing torture inflicted upon me by the real Jane, who isn’t nearly as much of lady as the ship that’s named after her.” Funny!
Only two problems that I saw:
"her brother’s face became much less blurry, though remained lined in apprehension." I think the second part of that sentence would work better with a "he" after "though"
"They just make me wary I guess" needs a comma before "I guess"
Otherwise, great work. I look forward to the next chapter. It will have the big conflict, right? Poisonous water and all. I can't wait to see how you revamp it.
Another wonderfully rewritten chapter. I believe you've added quite a bit, especially between Jane and Carl. I liked the additions. They gave me more of a chance to get to know these characters. I trust Steve is behaving himself.
“You can never tell with those wizards. They all like blowing things up.” Oh so true.
“Meanwhile, I’ll stay here and endure painful, agonizing torture inflicted upon me by the real Jane, who isn’t nearly as much of lady as the ship that’s named after her.” Funny!
Only two problems that I saw:
"her brother’s face became much less blurry, though remained lined in apprehension." I think the second part of that sentence would work better with a "he" after "though"
"They just make me wary I guess" needs a comma before "I guess"
Otherwise, great work. I look forward to the next chapter. It will have the big conflict, right? Poisonous water and all. I can't wait to see how you revamp it.
5/13/2008 c5 GRAYTEXT
I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's a good chapter.
"It took her a moment to realize that this wasn’t from weakness or exhaustion; in fact, the culprit was a torn sack of flour." I liked that.
I also liked that, although Katje is doubting her optimism, Carl retains his. It is interesting though that she seems to regain some of her optimism after talking to Roland.
Your descriptions of Stephen's ranting are always amusing. You definitely get the feeling when you are reading his dialogue that he's saying all of it in one breath. I would probably smack him in the head with the mop handle, too.
"Katjè’s reverie was quite suddenly interrupted by exaggerated gagging noises from beside her. She glared down at Steve, who quickly ceased when he saw the look on her face." Funny!
One thing, though. The narrator alternates between calling him Stephen and Steve. It would probably be better to pick one.
"Wretched visions of everyone somehow being washed overboard besides herself," This sentence is awkward. Maybe you could reduce it to something like "wretched visions of her crewmates being washed overboard"
"Katjè stepped in, sure to keep quiet." Do you mean "making sure?"
"In the face of Katjè’s apple pie, he would sacrifice even his dignity" Nice!
Like I said, a good chapter. I'm hoping for a quick update.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's a good chapter.
"It took her a moment to realize that this wasn’t from weakness or exhaustion; in fact, the culprit was a torn sack of flour." I liked that.
I also liked that, although Katje is doubting her optimism, Carl retains his. It is interesting though that she seems to regain some of her optimism after talking to Roland.
Your descriptions of Stephen's ranting are always amusing. You definitely get the feeling when you are reading his dialogue that he's saying all of it in one breath. I would probably smack him in the head with the mop handle, too.
"Katjè’s reverie was quite suddenly interrupted by exaggerated gagging noises from beside her. She glared down at Steve, who quickly ceased when he saw the look on her face." Funny!
One thing, though. The narrator alternates between calling him Stephen and Steve. It would probably be better to pick one.
"Wretched visions of everyone somehow being washed overboard besides herself," This sentence is awkward. Maybe you could reduce it to something like "wretched visions of her crewmates being washed overboard"
"Katjè stepped in, sure to keep quiet." Do you mean "making sure?"
"In the face of Katjè’s apple pie, he would sacrifice even his dignity" Nice!
Like I said, a good chapter. I'm hoping for a quick update.
4/17/2008 c4 GRAYTEXT
Hooray for a new chapter!
I do like that the island still looks like an eye. It makes me think of that scene in the old Dr. Doolittle, starring Rex Harrison, in which the island turns into a giant turtle. I wonder if when the wind blows, the island looks like its blinking. That would be kind of creepy.
And the banter between Roland and Katje is always great.
I like the image of motherly Jane claming the two younger women, and the last few paragraphs were extremely well-written.
A few things to consider:
In the beginning they sail for three days and stay at the island for three days. That's a bit too many threes. You also might want to expand that into how the crew reacts when seeing the island. I know it sounds a little tedious, but remember, it is their first discovery. I know I would be excited.
"Enormous, dark, purple-hued clouds" is a bit much. Maybe "enormous dark purple clouds?"
Last line needs an "a" before pillow.
Otherwise, wonderful job, as always. I look forward to the next chapter.
Hooray for a new chapter!
I do like that the island still looks like an eye. It makes me think of that scene in the old Dr. Doolittle, starring Rex Harrison, in which the island turns into a giant turtle. I wonder if when the wind blows, the island looks like its blinking. That would be kind of creepy.
And the banter between Roland and Katje is always great.
I like the image of motherly Jane claming the two younger women, and the last few paragraphs were extremely well-written.
A few things to consider:
In the beginning they sail for three days and stay at the island for three days. That's a bit too many threes. You also might want to expand that into how the crew reacts when seeing the island. I know it sounds a little tedious, but remember, it is their first discovery. I know I would be excited.
"Enormous, dark, purple-hued clouds" is a bit much. Maybe "enormous dark purple clouds?"
Last line needs an "a" before pillow.
Otherwise, wonderful job, as always. I look forward to the next chapter.
4/11/2008 c3 GRAYTEXT
Great chapter!
I'm so glad you put in that bit about Jane and Lily and Howard. One thing though, "But Jane just wanted" should probably be "But Jane just wants." It sounds like Roland is speaking of the dead.
I love part in which Stephen is discovered. Pestilence, I feel that way about my own brother sometimes.
I also like the bit where Katje is complaining about her "terrible" stew and she says there are more herbs in the sickbay than in the kitchen.
Well done!
I think you could do without the last three lines, though Ending with “Hey Katjè, do me a favor and give me bowl of stew for Lester.” is enough to remind the reader without having to retell the event.
Thanks for the tip about Susan Cooper. I'll check her out.
Keep up the great work.
Great chapter!
I'm so glad you put in that bit about Jane and Lily and Howard. One thing though, "But Jane just wanted" should probably be "But Jane just wants." It sounds like Roland is speaking of the dead.
I love part in which Stephen is discovered. Pestilence, I feel that way about my own brother sometimes.
I also like the bit where Katje is complaining about her "terrible" stew and she says there are more herbs in the sickbay than in the kitchen.
Well done!
I think you could do without the last three lines, though Ending with “Hey Katjè, do me a favor and give me bowl of stew for Lester.” is enough to remind the reader without having to retell the event.
Thanks for the tip about Susan Cooper. I'll check her out.
Keep up the great work.
4/2/2008 c2 GRAYTEXT
It's been a while since I read this so I am not certain on what was here and what was not, but this is what I noticed:
Chapter 1
The opening conversation with Roland and Katje is great, especially over the subject of the evening's dessert.
Perhaps Roland should express more concern over Katje's well-being. This is, I'm assuming, a patriarchal society as Roland is inheriting the throne despite having an older sister, and those usually come with the stereotypical "defenseless woman."
I did like Katje's attempt at smooth-talking her father.
Chapter 2
The description of Ned was endearing, in a sailor sort of sense, though when I read it, I thought of Gibbs from Pirates of the Carribean. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.
The list that Howard recites is a bit redundant. Disease and sickness can be reduced to sickness, as one leads to the other. Pestilence can be taken out altogether or substituted for disease and sickness. Although, if it is a part of Howard's character, I guess you leave it in and have someone comment on it to let us know it wasn't the error of the author.
I love the scene with Stephen. It's too bad you couldn't work him in to the rest of the story. Or did you? I feel terrible that I can't remember.
Anyway, I look forward to rereading this.
It's been a while since I read this so I am not certain on what was here and what was not, but this is what I noticed:
Chapter 1
The opening conversation with Roland and Katje is great, especially over the subject of the evening's dessert.
Perhaps Roland should express more concern over Katje's well-being. This is, I'm assuming, a patriarchal society as Roland is inheriting the throne despite having an older sister, and those usually come with the stereotypical "defenseless woman."
I did like Katje's attempt at smooth-talking her father.
Chapter 2
The description of Ned was endearing, in a sailor sort of sense, though when I read it, I thought of Gibbs from Pirates of the Carribean. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.
The list that Howard recites is a bit redundant. Disease and sickness can be reduced to sickness, as one leads to the other. Pestilence can be taken out altogether or substituted for disease and sickness. Although, if it is a part of Howard's character, I guess you leave it in and have someone comment on it to let us know it wasn't the error of the author.
I love the scene with Stephen. It's too bad you couldn't work him in to the rest of the story. Or did you? I feel terrible that I can't remember.
Anyway, I look forward to rereading this.
3/12/2008 c1 2Arim
The Lone Islands
You have good humor in this story. I love the adolescence that you allow to blossom in your characters. Names are important, and while you want your names to be other-worldly, you also want them to be easy to read, so that the reader never trips on them. Athay, Salanredyrr, and Katj are very difficult names, and should be reconsidered.
“Mornings work” needs an apostrophe.
“who are taking” needs to be “Who are you taking”
“…could tell that this proposition would be…would be horrified.” This is a very difficult sentence. Rethink it entirely.
Your characters have a good feel to them. I like them. Keep writing, and pick up a copy of Janet Burroway’s Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft. No writer should ever be without that book. An easy read, too. ISBN: 0-321-22736-8
2ArimThe Lone Islands
You have good humor in this story. I love the adolescence that you allow to blossom in your characters. Names are important, and while you want your names to be other-worldly, you also want them to be easy to read, so that the reader never trips on them. Athay, Salanredyrr, and Katj are very difficult names, and should be reconsidered.
“Mornings work” needs an apostrophe.
“who are taking” needs to be “Who are you taking”
“…could tell that this proposition would be…would be horrified.” This is a very difficult sentence. Rethink it entirely.
Your characters have a good feel to them. I like them. Keep writing, and pick up a copy of Janet Burroway’s Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft. No writer should ever be without that book. An easy read, too. ISBN: 0-321-22736-8