3/14/2008 c1 SwordoftheKing
Good, good, very good. Quite well written indeed- with an overall 'homecoming' feeling seeping through the words and into one's mind. Also- no obvious errors to note. ^.^ Only thing I thought to ask, in "He had slung one arm around her own narrow shoulders, snugging her close beside him. He said it was to protect her from the bustle of the inner city, but the smile in his eyes told her differently" is 'snugging' supposed to be 'snuggling', or something else entirely?

Onwards to the next chappie, then!

12/20/2006 c1 5Kepler Strinn
Now it's time to bump up your review count, cause I'm nice that way.

Wow- the traditional pickpocket scene... Well, at least we've established that the main character ISN'T super powerful and all-knowing and can catch a pickpocket in the act! I like that! And I also like how the romance part of this is already established as well, leaves more room for action and less for mixed feelings, and you can still have all the romantic scenes you want and they'll still be cute. Unless... there will be a third party involved? A love triangle? ooh la lah.

The Blademaster rocks, I hope we see him again... And I hope to learn what these "Evri" are soon... cause if they were mentioned in this chapter I was too scatterbrained to notice it.

Hope to see some kickass fight scenes soon! Things are too peaceful! More turmoil! More turmoil! Battle! Blood! Tragedy! Maybe her true love will die... That'll kinda ruin the whole "already established romance" thing, but it would make a nice twist. Maybe it's those enigmatic Evri who kill him? I can't wait to meet the rest of the protaganist's family...

TTNR! (Till The Next Review!)

6/24/2006 c2 17Lynx Tiger
aw, that was so sad, so tragic. anyway, i liked the story.

5/19/2006 c3 7Alankria
Hurrah! Update! *reads*

Same format as always...

Oh, nice opening line.

"Curious eyes peeked from behind curtains to watch the figure pass[;] curious lips mouthed silent questions and equally silent answers."

"She stood in the center of the temple, just hardly on the fringes of the soft light emanating from the glowing relic to her left" - I think this would sound better without the 'just'

"Anger will be [mine]."

" Tears, unshed since that fateful day when she had viewed the remains of her family, gathered in her eyes." - But you said earlier in the chapter that she had a tear-stained face ("Her face was stained with tears, her hands with blood.")... Slight inconsistency my dear, as I don't think tears would leave a noticeable mark on her face after several days. Speaking on which... why is she still bloody after a few days?

"You may be her God and Guardian-” Jenren snorted “-but she is not solely yours.” - I've always been taught to use commas instead of hyphens in there. Maybe it's different in America. I don't think so, though.

Now that was very very interesting. I particularly like how she says "you have forsaken me" to Loron and then, rather than becoming an atheist, she accepts it as a challenge. I also like that a female god is, well, slightly anti-feminist...not quite, but slightly, she thinks women have a place, it seems. Those two things are pleasantly unconventional. I am also highly intrigued by that black zenith, and look forward to some kind of explanation. Update soon!

5/6/2006 c1 ice flyer
Nice beginning. I like your characterization of Cy as a kind of giddily-in-love girl, and the description of the city is well-done.

Occasionally I feel kind of distant from the story when you have sentences like "Families were dreamt of, raised and seen off in a continuous, soothing rhythm from the doorsteps." It's sort of general and doesn't seem to be in Cy's voice, more like an encyclopedia entry or something. I would try to limit the description to Cy's immediate observations.

"resenting only a little that h had disrupted the peace" - shoudl be "that he"

Anyways, good start :)

5/5/2006 c2 2Cirex
As I go...

"Terrified. And then, I need to shut up with that." - The 'And then' seems awkward to me. I think I know what you were getting at with putting it in, but... i dunno. Personally, I love ellipses for this kind of situation. :D But I guess I tend to use them a tad too much, so there you go.

Grisely, grisely...

I like the reiteration of the 'red'.

"“My family,” she chocked out. “My family.”" - 'Chocked'? Should it be 'choked'?

"perhaps preparing for dinner of bed, when the…whatever…had happened" - 'Whatever'... hmm. You COULD just leave it as an ellipse. 'Whatever' sounds callous to me. Just PP.

"Forgive me, sister, but I must die." - I really like this line. Simple and elegant. And just plain sad...

Where did Belndin go though? It said that he followed her up the stairs, and then there was no mention of him (unless I missed something). From the sounds of it, he was still with her when she found Lor, and she said the names... hmm.

This is going to have a sad ending, I can tell already. Well... I KNOW that it's going to have a sad ending, 'cause I, well, have a rough knowledge of what's going to happen... I'm just not looking forward to it, the inevitable moment of confrontation, when it comes. Which is kudos to you for bringing the emotional to life for me. :D

5/5/2006 c1 1rrmehta364
Hmm...I don't like the first sentence (I haven't read the first) but I think its actually weaker than what comes afterwards. Of course, this is just a personal opinion thing, so feel free to ignore.

"A woman. She was a woman now." : I don't see why you need the 'A woman'

"They had traveled six hot, heavy days, and tomorrow would make seven." : Well, of course tommorow would be seven. Six plus one equals seven, its something I don't think is necessary to mention.

"His hair, the color of good, strong ale, was slightly too long and hung into his eyes." : I like that sentence. An excellent, innovative description.

Ach. British spellings. Its gray, not grey (walks off annoyed. comes back because because the story is just too good)

Would the press of people cause fear?

Excellent descriptions of the city.

"All roads led somewhere, held some purpose, had some pretty, flowery name." : I really like the idea behind this secnod, but the last bit of it seems to contrast with the first two descriptions.

"The second man was smaller, darker, and stood like someone accustomed to street tussles. He was the obvious thief." : Wait, being small and dark makes you a thief? That seems to be what you're saying, though I doubt its what you mean.

"“I see you took my advice, love, and found yourself some nice man to love you.”" : Wait, why's there a love in the apposotive. Oh, I'll be confused a lot because I haven't read whatever came before.

"Though quiet, people could be heard chatting with their neighbors or puttering around the house. Windows and doors were flung open with abandon; laughter raced from house to house." : Are those descriptions in reference to one of the rings, or all the rings.

I wouldn't make one city straight up happier and just plain better than the other. It takes away the 'characterization' away from the cities even if they technically speaking aren't real characters.

Oh, why doesn't she introduce Belndin to her real family first.

Okay, I really liked what I read. I read a couple of other chapters by you, but to be perfectly honest, I think what you have hear is a lot better.

I like all the descriptions lavished upon the cities, and that all sorts of things get described within the cities. Also, the characters seem to have stories, though I just haven't read enough to say much yet. Still, very interesting.

Very, very excellent. Looking forward to reading more.

-peace out.