for Koibito no Ryu5/9/2006 c4 superficialowl
Nice chapter, Aoi is nicer then me, I would have teased my brother non stop. Sarea seems to be taking the situation rather well she hasn't yelled or screamed yet. Anyway nice chapter and keep up the good work
Nice chapter, Aoi is nicer then me, I would have teased my brother non stop. Sarea seems to be taking the situation rather well she hasn't yelled or screamed yet. Anyway nice chapter and keep up the good work
5/8/2006 c4 MissyBlue
Wow this is a good story so far. But you should tell us more about Tentei. And why is this story rated M?
Wow this is a good story so far. But you should tell us more about Tentei. And why is this story rated M?
5/8/2006 c4 
7Juniper Nights
Its been a while since I've found a story I like. Great job on the characters, their personalities really come through in your writing. Awesome job.
7Juniper NightsIts been a while since I've found a story I like. Great job on the characters, their personalities really come through in your writing. Awesome job.
5/8/2006 c4 Guest
glad it helped you... CC is always a good tool to have. I believe I got the criticism out the way so far lol. like how this is going... wouldn't mind a dragon for my own, no sirree.
don't do A/Ns in the middle of the chap, for chap. 3. it's very distracting.
"Obediently, Sarea did just that and Hoshi began to tell the awed redhead about the world of dragonkind." - do we got to hear this conversation? her reactions, how they two women feel about eachy other (no matter how hot the guy, i'd think she'd be itching for a way to escape). if so, I suppose it'll be next chapter.
update!
glad it helped you... CC is always a good tool to have. I believe I got the criticism out the way so far lol. like how this is going... wouldn't mind a dragon for my own, no sirree.
don't do A/Ns in the middle of the chap, for chap. 3. it's very distracting.
"Obediently, Sarea did just that and Hoshi began to tell the awed redhead about the world of dragonkind." - do we got to hear this conversation? her reactions, how they two women feel about eachy other (no matter how hot the guy, i'd think she'd be itching for a way to escape). if so, I suppose it'll be next chapter.
update!
5/6/2006 c3 atreyu love
first off.. whats a beta-reader? and secondly, i loved it! please please please update ! ^^
first off.. whats a beta-reader? and secondly, i loved it! please please please update ! ^^
5/6/2006 c3 Rose
Oh, Meet the family!
Tentei kind of reminds me of Sesshoumaru from Inuyasha, the anime. The eye-color changey trick, the aloofness, the animal parts on his head... I suggest working a little on character personality and fleshing it out?
Could you explain a little bit more about the powers and different realms and what species they are?
I like how your introducing the characters gradually by themselves instead of just him kidnapping her, introducing her to his family and then ignoring them for the rest of the story.
I find that if you keep the story at a more personal level, (meaning no wars between worlds, and heroine saving the world from utter distruction) people like it more, because then they feel that it could happen to them too, and its more believable. Or at least thats my opinion.
I like his brothers. They remind me of mine, interfering with good intentions...
I think that one of the most annoying things about ameuter (sp?) writers (from a readers perspective, and no offense to all beginners out there) is that they just simply state a fact (Johnny got angry) instead of descriping it (Johnny clenched his fists and ground his teeth)
Keep up the good work!
Oh, Meet the family!
Tentei kind of reminds me of Sesshoumaru from Inuyasha, the anime. The eye-color changey trick, the aloofness, the animal parts on his head... I suggest working a little on character personality and fleshing it out?
Could you explain a little bit more about the powers and different realms and what species they are?
I like how your introducing the characters gradually by themselves instead of just him kidnapping her, introducing her to his family and then ignoring them for the rest of the story.
I find that if you keep the story at a more personal level, (meaning no wars between worlds, and heroine saving the world from utter distruction) people like it more, because then they feel that it could happen to them too, and its more believable. Or at least thats my opinion.
I like his brothers. They remind me of mine, interfering with good intentions...
I think that one of the most annoying things about ameuter (sp?) writers (from a readers perspective, and no offense to all beginners out there) is that they just simply state a fact (Johnny got angry) instead of descriping it (Johnny clenched his fists and ground his teeth)
Keep up the good work!
5/6/2006 c3 superficialowl
I loved this chapter. Nice idea bringing his brothers into it. It'll be interesting when she wakes up. Your grammar wasn't that bad and if it was I didnt' notice. Pretty please update soon
I loved this chapter. Nice idea bringing his brothers into it. It'll be interesting when she wakes up. Your grammar wasn't that bad and if it was I didnt' notice. Pretty please update soon
5/4/2006 c2 Rose
I like it!
I especially like it that he's a dragon, not a dog or something else. Antlers though...
Oh! and please DON'T do like some authors, and instead of weaving descriptions of the characters personalities and likes and dislikes in to the story, putting them on your profile. It doesn't make for pleasant reading.
I like it that she doesn't have 'gorgeous big eyes' like most "plain" heroines on fp.com. Some people may be blessed with them, but they're definitely in the minority.
I do find it strange that she doesn't scream or something when he pulls her in to his arms.
Keep up the good work and update soon!
I like it!
I especially like it that he's a dragon, not a dog or something else. Antlers though...
Oh! and please DON'T do like some authors, and instead of weaving descriptions of the characters personalities and likes and dislikes in to the story, putting them on your profile. It doesn't make for pleasant reading.
I like it that she doesn't have 'gorgeous big eyes' like most "plain" heroines on fp.com. Some people may be blessed with them, but they're definitely in the minority.
I do find it strange that she doesn't scream or something when he pulls her in to his arms.
Keep up the good work and update soon!
5/4/2006 c2 candycane-collage
I rather enjoyed reading this chapter. It was pretty good so far. I shall like to see what happens next.
I rather enjoyed reading this chapter. It was pretty good so far. I shall like to see what happens next.
5/4/2006 c2 11arachibutyrophobia
I actually don't like manga so when I saw the title that was what I assume it was, but I checked this out because i have a thing for dragons. 'specially hot ones.
I like the idea. but the character, i felt wasn't established very well at all. You shot into action which is good, but you didn't let it reveeal much personal about her. sure, she has a temper and didnt like someone landing on her, but that's about all. nothing that would differentiate her from others.
you can always, after intoducing that there would be qaction, backtracka bit and explain, via thoughts or omniscient narration, how she got there in he first place, and the setting. because its a bit odd that the guy falls on her, hugs, her, etc., and she's not screaming for the police, defending herself, or doing other things that would seem more... normal/ common sense. if she's NOT reacting the way one would expect her to react, then explain why.
and if he's wearing all the armor, how can she be sure of what he looks like under it?
i like the plot, and you've got a good start, but make the characters their own. its hard to give a sure way to do so, but read other pieces on this site,a nd if you get that feeling, see/ ask how they did it, or just refer to some of your fav books and alalyze how they present characters to the readers.
11arachibutyrophobiaI actually don't like manga so when I saw the title that was what I assume it was, but I checked this out because i have a thing for dragons. 'specially hot ones.
I like the idea. but the character, i felt wasn't established very well at all. You shot into action which is good, but you didn't let it reveeal much personal about her. sure, she has a temper and didnt like someone landing on her, but that's about all. nothing that would differentiate her from others.
you can always, after intoducing that there would be qaction, backtracka bit and explain, via thoughts or omniscient narration, how she got there in he first place, and the setting. because its a bit odd that the guy falls on her, hugs, her, etc., and she's not screaming for the police, defending herself, or doing other things that would seem more... normal/ common sense. if she's NOT reacting the way one would expect her to react, then explain why.
and if he's wearing all the armor, how can she be sure of what he looks like under it?
i like the plot, and you've got a good start, but make the characters their own. its hard to give a sure way to do so, but read other pieces on this site,a nd if you get that feeling, see/ ask how they did it, or just refer to some of your fav books and alalyze how they present characters to the readers.