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for Revenge

4/12/2008 c2 7JetLinkon
good so far. Read my stories please
3/3/2008 c4 10Akhdar
I would love to see this as a finished product, but it looks like you haven't tinkered with it for over a year. I think you have an interesting plot going on and you should keep running with it.

Granted, as has been said, there's no respite. It's misery after mishap after misery. It might be more bearable for some if you throw in one or two scenes where she doesn't think that life is crap. Maybe she meets someone and they have a pleasent conversation, but then she realizes that normal life and friendships aren't for the vengeful. I don't know, it's ultimately up to you.
2/12/2007 c2 82Solemn Coyote
Sorry it took so long (two weeks shy of forever) to get back to reviewing. College is being predictably crazy, so I make no promises about timely future reviews. I'll do my best, though. Oh, and if you want to use one of my stories for "Rants, Raves, and Reviews", by all means. Even if it's for a rant.

1)"I didn't that day." comma after "didn't"

2)"The doctor gave me a lollipop to cheer me up." Very nice counterpoint to the mood, especially with the narrator as a young girl.

3)"I'm your uncie Aaron" Please, please change that 'i' to an 'l'. Even if it's supposed to be baby-talk, it makes him sound...well, like an idiot.

4)"mostly because thier room was next to mine." 'their'

5)"I had little boxes of cereal and waterbottles tashed there so I could stay in there until he would chill out." 'tashed' to 'stashed'.

6)"When everyone says you're stupid, you tend to start believing." Good point.

7)"Whenever he was awake, he howed me that bit of light and love we all strive for in our lives." 'howed' to 'showed'.

8)"He was holding a knife in my father's head." Uh...is that supposed to be 'to'?

9)Okay, this story is very emotionally charged. The narration is very personal, and it drops into slang fairly often. Cool. Those are your strengths. On the other side of the equation, this story's a bit of an emotional gut-punch. Bad things happen in succession. They're probably going to lead to tragedy. Even if you want the story to end in flames, you could benefit a lot from having something to offset that mood every once in a while. If you've ever read the Assassin saga by Robin Hobb (shameless plug, sure. But it's relevant), you'll notice that there are happy events mixed in with the general tragedy to keep the reader from getting bogged down. Mentioning the narrator's conversations with her father was nice, but it lasted for barely a line.
1/5/2007 c4 16Dollface Dead
Very interesting. I can't wait to see where this goes.
12/2/2006 c4 MyOwnBestCritic
wow, cool! Well popsicle, you sure have done a nice job on this chappy! the one thing i want you to do is describe more, set the scene! kks?

6/23/2006 c3 5ArchDemonNotion
Hells Yeah! "So I shot them both."I can't wait for you to post the next chapter. I got a Professional vibe from it but pushed it out of my mind (i wanted your story to become it's own).
6/23/2006 c2 ArchDemonNotion
Chapter 27-Should it be "stashed" instead of "tashed". I really like your story. I haven't read anything fictional in a long time. Most of my reading of late has been text books and sholarly shit. it was good to get lost in your words. I can tell your a very good writer because i lost track of all the dumbasses that were and still are talking really loud behind me. That made me sad when the mother just took off like that. I recently went to a savVy! (students against violence yes!) workshop, it deals with violence and how to deal with them mentally and stuff. I also have a broken home so i related to some of the stuff (hiding) in your story. I hope to read the next chapter soon.
6/23/2006 c3 16Dollface Dead
Interesting...I would like to hear more.
5/14/2006 c2 2Kioasakka
Wow, that was good. The grammar and whatnot wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad, either. The story was really interesting, however. I want you to update, and soon! :D
5/14/2006 c2 criti-sized
Well I don't know what the last version was like and I can't say that this is bad, it's actually good considering you wrote the first two chapters and made them compelling.

My only advice would be to revise it because coming from me who has alot of consructive criticism, there are jerks on the site who love to pick with people for the fun of it. So that's it. The chapters were nice.

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