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for Black Dragon

8/1/2006 c9 lili brik
ironically, i was just discussing the incredible short-sightedness of the japanese in world war II. kind of a random before-bed topic, but um, yes...the last chapter was a bit short, thus the lack of comment and disappointment which was evidently shared by the characters. hoping for more action, soon...
6/27/2006 c7 126lili brik
ha, the bit about textbooks amused me...as said, american atrocities against indians/filipinos/etc. hardly justify anyone else's genocidal tendencies, but they do get glossed over and forgiven more frequently and easily. please continue..
6/24/2006 c7 LightningFlash21
Youve got me hooked on this! lol its cause of the way ure writeing it. its good!
6/17/2006 c6 LightningFlash21
You can really feel for the charcter while reading this. this is good writeing. keep it up.
6/13/2006 c5 lili brik
very nice..! i've never looked into esperanto, the idea of it's intriguing...i fully enjoy the combination of suspense, action and historical trivia/sleuthing; i hope to read the next installment soon.
6/6/2006 c5 7Alankria
Clever idea that, to have it written in Esperanto. But whenever I think of Esperanto, I think of Rimmer trying to learn it in Red Dwarf. (British scifi sitcom, bloody brilliant) And interesting how it ties into Oomoto-Kyu.

“Hell, they’re the ones who started World War II!” ... Well, maybe from an American perspective. *coughHitlercoughEuropecough* Yeah. WW2 is all about Europe for this Brit, but I guess we both have our national bias.

"wouldn’t the work to root them out?" - should be 'they', not 'the'

“Bt chance, one member of Oomoto found an ancient account of the Black Dragon Society’s founding." - should be 'By, not 'Bt'

"But the more xenophobic Japanese yakuza" - Needs 'in' after 'But'

Great chapter! The history, and how it all ties together, was very interesting. As for style, long stretches of dialogue are normally considered a not-so-great thing, but I personally think it worked fine in this instance. Looking forward to the update.

I think you said there were other updates; I'll check them out once I've grabbed some dinner. Oh, and I've updated PA.
6/3/2006 c5 LightningFlash21
This is fantastic. Keep it up.
5/29/2006 c4 Alankria
Hey. Thought I'd check this out, then I'm back to my writing and I'll try to look at the other updates soon.

"Alex went to scream, but couldn’t." - Something about this sentence doesn't quite work for me. I think 'went to scream' is a bit odd; also, why couldn't she scream? Hand over her mouth, I assume, but I forget these things. However, I do like the idea here: that she would scream before checking her pistol. It makes her a more realistic character. Rephrase the sentence slightly and it'll be good.

"Reyes realized her attacker already was had his hands overstretched." - Cut out 'was'.

"but so neither black sedans nor police cars." - Should be 'saw' instead of 'so'.

"and small basket of hygienic goods under the sink." - Needs 'a' before 'small'.

I think the talk about preferred handguns was a bit too much of a digression, but I suppose it's just about understandable.

“I graduated,” Hideo grumbled, slightly irritated. " - *laughs* Oh, I am not looking forward to graduation. Only a year away!

“Which means we better get out now! We’ve been wasting too much time talking!” Alex exclaimed. - Yes, I am inclined to think they have. Surely their first priority is to leave the harbour. They can have their weapons/uni/history chat once they're sailing.

“Still, where are we get out into the Bay?” - Something wrong with this sentence, needs another look.

“That’s the key to uncovering who more on the Black Dragons.” - Cut out 'who'. Also, why doesn't Hideo want to look at it?

I remember in your email you wanted me to address the style of the piece. Let's see... In particular, I felt that the brief scene in the beginning, where Alex disarms the random thug, felt very bland to read. A simple 'she did this, he did that', which not much life. I can't think of a way offhand to make it better, but I thought I'd point it out to you. Also, as I've already said, I think the rambling seems a bit out-of-place; I would think their first move would be to get into the open ocean, then they can compare firearms etc. Finally, you start a lot of your sentences with a name or the pronoun (he/she). I've been taught that it's much better to vary sentence openers. If you want more info on that, I can link you to someone's guide. Also watch out for using too much passive tense (was), but mostly you don't overdo that. In general, I enjoy your style; it's very straight forward. While different to my preferred style, it's easy and enjoyable to read, and you always manage to convey the plot well. As you saw, most of my crits are about particular moments rather than your overall style.
5/28/2006 c4 126lili brik
i like! much! really, most of the thrillers on this site are terribly, terribly written, while yours is not only better than terrible, but actually...good. all of this historical tie-ins are cool, but all of the modern characters are rather engaging as well. please continue without being discouraged by semi-ranting reviews such as my own.
5/23/2006 c3 7Alankria
Short but sweet. I'm surprised the police car and the sedan didn't swerve out of each other's way? Good ending.
5/21/2006 c2 LightningFlash21
This sounds cool. u should go for it
5/16/2006 c2 Alankria
Interesting developments. Alex is taking this all in rather calmly, but I suppose if Yamato is her sensei then she would trust him a fair bit. This conspiracy sounds interesting; I look forward to finding out more about it.
5/16/2006 c1 Alankria
Alexandra! Yeah! Best name!

Bullet time? That's almost a cliché now. And I bet I've put it in some of my stuff.

Anyway, intriguing beginning. Reading on...

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