5/20/2006 c2 5Eternal Shadow Child
Why - I repeat - WHY is it that "you're gay" is an insult? Same with "homo". Homo is just Latin for human, so what? You're insulting him by calling him a human?

Like I said before, this is a story will all real events. Kiel knows it pisses me off when he insults my sexual orientation, and it pisses him off when I accuse him of being gay. Thus, we use them as insults against eachother. No offence meant to anyone except eachother.

5/20/2006 c1 5Eternal Shadow Child
This bit seems a bit...generic to me. A lot of this is very generic. I don't see much stuff in here that hasn't been done before.My life is a bit generic. This story is subtitled "The Story Of Our Lives." Meaning that everything in here is actual things that happened to me and my friends. The main character is ME. As in... everything she does, everything she looks like, is exactly like me.

And that she's teaching herself Japanese is god-awful. I thought it would be almost cute, but the Japanese is too much. I know it's part of the nerdiness, but not all white kids who learn Japanese are nerds, and it just makes YOU seem like a sellout writer who's not really writing for herself, but for the sake of expressing a love for Japanese stuff. The sight of a Japanese influenced anything can be enough to send most people into flu-like symptoms for weeks. So just try to stay away from that shit.I am self-teaching myself Japanese, so lay off. And it's actually half decent, as well. I'm learning it because most of the anime I watch isn't translated. And it's a pain in the ass to find subtitled versions.

And forgive my ignorance, but what the hell are Pizza Pops?Er... a sort of lunch-type thing. Like... pizza sauch and cheese and meat in a sort of bread-like packet.

You aren't writing a screenplay. Even if something is written in first person, it shouldn't be written like a screenplay. I write in first person a lot and read a lot of first person stuff: it just isn't supposed to be done that way. It's unprofessional.I have no idea what you mean. So I'm going to talk about chickens.

Besides what's already been said, I think you make a lot of grammatical errors. Comming should be coming, beat-red should be beet-red, ect.I know. This is only the second time I've edited it. This time through I'm only ading things that I've missed. Next time through will be to fix up every little grammarical detail I can find.

I think a lot of this is kind of pointless banter unless you have a lot of more important stuff to back it up. I do a lot of pointless banter, but only because there's not going to be a lot of room for pointless banter later in this thing I'm writing. Character relationship developing is good, too much of it is bad.I like writing pointless things. It helps fill out my day.

I think that you clump your description together too much. This isn't a roleplay: we don't need to know every detail of your character's looks within the first few paragraphs. Space it out a little.This is something I can actually use. I like describing everythin in one run - it saves having to do it later. I guess I could try to space it out a bit.

5/19/2006 c2 Robin Siskin
"caught the ball just before it hit Mr. Shithead... er... Schultz in the head."

You aren't writing a screenplay. Even if something is written in first person, it shouldn't be written like a screenplay. I write in first person a lot and read a lot of first person stuff: it just isn't supposed to be done that way. It's unprofessional.

Besides what's already been said, I think you make a lot of grammatical errors. Comming should be coming, beat-red should be beet-red, ect.

I think a lot of this is kind of pointless banter unless you have a lot of more important stuff to back it up. I do a lot of pointless banter, but only because there's not going to be a lot of room for pointless banter later in this thing I'm writing. Character relationship developing is good, too much of it is bad.