for The Dark Side of the Moon9/24/2008 c2 
1Will Seaver
Oh wow, this story is good. Like, really good. The only 'problems' are minor technical issues.
"They’re haggard stances showed..." -their, not they're
"Love was a dieing feeling..." - dying (otherwise this is such an awesome sentence)
"..the toxic air made it irritable to breathe..." though I love how you tried to make it your own, I'm not sure irritable fits in exactly. This is really just opinion though, keep it if you want.
"...outside the library, (before it was destroyed), that there..."
I don't think you need the commas there if you're going to use parentheses.
That's about it, although David seemed gentle in the first chapter and then cold and indifferent in the next. Other than that, you definitely capture the reader and make them feel for Naomi.
I really liked this (and yes it started as returning the favor for your review but that's how it happens right? =P) and I'm adding it to my alert list. Cheers.
-Will
1Will SeaverOh wow, this story is good. Like, really good. The only 'problems' are minor technical issues.
"They’re haggard stances showed..." -their, not they're
"Love was a dieing feeling..." - dying (otherwise this is such an awesome sentence)
"..the toxic air made it irritable to breathe..." though I love how you tried to make it your own, I'm not sure irritable fits in exactly. This is really just opinion though, keep it if you want.
"...outside the library, (before it was destroyed), that there..."
I don't think you need the commas there if you're going to use parentheses.
That's about it, although David seemed gentle in the first chapter and then cold and indifferent in the next. Other than that, you definitely capture the reader and make them feel for Naomi.
I really liked this (and yes it started as returning the favor for your review but that's how it happens right? =P) and I'm adding it to my alert list. Cheers.
-Will
7/22/2006 c2 9Aluminum Tinkerbell
Yay! You finally updated...
Anyhoo, this chapter is better than the first (which was already good O.o), in my opinion, and quite excellent!
The only thing that confuses me, his how David knew what the heck though bands meant.
They're going to meet back up again, though, aren't they? :O
9Aluminum TinkerbellYay! You finally updated...
Anyhoo, this chapter is better than the first (which was already good O.o), in my opinion, and quite excellent!
The only thing that confuses me, his how David knew what the heck though bands meant.
They're going to meet back up again, though, aren't they? :O
5/24/2006 c1 Aluminum Tinkerbell
Hm, this is most certainly a creative story.
You should continue it, for sure.
But the only thing is, David seems a bit to warm. He acts likes he has known Naomi for a long time, rather than just met.
Hm, this is most certainly a creative story.
You should continue it, for sure.
But the only thing is, David seems a bit to warm. He acts likes he has known Naomi for a long time, rather than just met.
5/21/2006 c2 1Dacey Chevalier
LS! You posted it! It rocks. Sorry about not reading that one story...I'm about to do it now, but I've been kinda busy this week. Finals suck.
1Dacey ChevalierLS! You posted it! It rocks. Sorry about not reading that one story...I'm about to do it now, but I've been kinda busy this week. Finals suck.