for Covet6/4/2008 c31 
1Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
i love this story its written really well. Very crisp and the writitng style is great. The setting, characters, language and everything else is perfect.
Great story and i love the video as well. Great story. Loved it.
Angel
1Angel-Leigh Joneshiya
i love this story its written really well. Very crisp and the writitng style is great. The setting, characters, language and everything else is perfect.
Great story and i love the video as well. Great story. Loved it.
Angel
6/3/2008 c31 9Tatiana Knight
I really enjoyed reading this story and it really drew me in. I actually felt connected to Lucas and Adee. I think you're a superb writer and if you do publish this I'm defiantly going to get a copy.
I'm defiantly going to check out your other stories!
9Tatiana KnightI really enjoyed reading this story and it really drew me in. I actually felt connected to Lucas and Adee. I think you're a superb writer and if you do publish this I'm defiantly going to get a copy.
I'm defiantly going to check out your other stories!
6/2/2008 c31 rainbabie
This is such a great story! I'm definitely going to check out your others. If one day you do make Covet available in book form, please update so that I can get a copy! Thanks for a great read :)
This is such a great story! I'm definitely going to check out your others. If one day you do make Covet available in book form, please update so that I can get a copy! Thanks for a great read :)
5/20/2008 c30 AChiMiDice
This is beautiful. It really is. I think the ending (the last part of chapter 29) is perfect. The epilogue is cute and totally made me smile, but what really stands out in my mind when I think of this story is the moment when Damien died.
It's good that you can look at your work with a critical eye and think of things to work on in a future rewrite, but be careful not to let that distract you from the fact that this story is already somewhat of a masterpiece. Having read your LJ, I agree that the issues of accent consistency and cultural/historical details should be addressed when you rewrite. However, I actually never noticed much repetitiveness in the dialogue, and I don't think it takes away from the overall quality of the work. Perhaps that's because, in real life, people tend to use the same set of words and expressions all the time without even meaning to. For me, seeing that same tendency appear in writing just makes the story seem more authentic.
Congratulations on the SKoW award! I really hope you never stop writing, because you definitely have a gift for it. :)
This is beautiful. It really is. I think the ending (the last part of chapter 29) is perfect. The epilogue is cute and totally made me smile, but what really stands out in my mind when I think of this story is the moment when Damien died.
It's good that you can look at your work with a critical eye and think of things to work on in a future rewrite, but be careful not to let that distract you from the fact that this story is already somewhat of a masterpiece. Having read your LJ, I agree that the issues of accent consistency and cultural/historical details should be addressed when you rewrite. However, I actually never noticed much repetitiveness in the dialogue, and I don't think it takes away from the overall quality of the work. Perhaps that's because, in real life, people tend to use the same set of words and expressions all the time without even meaning to. For me, seeing that same tendency appear in writing just makes the story seem more authentic.
Congratulations on the SKoW award! I really hope you never stop writing, because you definitely have a gift for it. :)
5/20/2008 c1 jimeny
wow. this story is FREAKING AMAZING! seriously. I've only been compelled to write a few reviews on this site since being a member (I'm lazy like that) but this really had to be commended...I just read the entire thing in a day, (quite bad considering I'm in the middle of exams :-s) I was completely hooked. Your character development and whole plot was just fantastic, I loved how they all had flaws unlike a lot of fp stories whose main characters are completely perfect. I can only wish that Adrienne-and-Lucus-type love really does exist :-) Anyway that's basically it...find someone to publish this as I know I would buy it!
wow. this story is FREAKING AMAZING! seriously. I've only been compelled to write a few reviews on this site since being a member (I'm lazy like that) but this really had to be commended...I just read the entire thing in a day, (quite bad considering I'm in the middle of exams :-s) I was completely hooked. Your character development and whole plot was just fantastic, I loved how they all had flaws unlike a lot of fp stories whose main characters are completely perfect. I can only wish that Adrienne-and-Lucus-type love really does exist :-) Anyway that's basically it...find someone to publish this as I know I would buy it!
5/20/2008 c31 17The Professionals
Wow - this was such an amazing story! It was intricate and brilliant! You are a fantastic writer and your story was really emotional and such a pleasure to read!
Thanks!
17The ProfessionalsWow - this was such an amazing story! It was intricate and brilliant! You are a fantastic writer and your story was really emotional and such a pleasure to read!
Thanks!
5/18/2008 c31 1la.sweett
Wow, 'Covet' is an amazing story. Heh, I put off two research papers just to finish reading it! I love how it turned out and that it's well written, ecspecially the epilogue and Lucas and Adee's last words. Great job girlie! I totally wasn't expecting that final battle and whatnot- I hope you write more, whether its a sequel or a whole new other story C:
C:
1la.sweettWow, 'Covet' is an amazing story. Heh, I put off two research papers just to finish reading it! I love how it turned out and that it's well written, ecspecially the epilogue and Lucas and Adee's last words. Great job girlie! I totally wasn't expecting that final battle and whatnot- I hope you write more, whether its a sequel or a whole new other story C:
C:
5/7/2008 c31 9YoursMarilyn
I read this whole story in one day and I have to say that it really captured my heart and attention. A nice play on the plot. I was really amazed at how Lucas changed throughout the story, the same with Damien. Good job, your talent shines through!
9YoursMarilynI read this whole story in one day and I have to say that it really captured my heart and attention. A nice play on the plot. I was really amazed at how Lucas changed throughout the story, the same with Damien. Good job, your talent shines through!
5/2/2008 c31 1M. Suzanne
So I have to say that honestly, that was one of the best (if not THE best) romance stories that I have ever read on this site.
You are an amazing writer and your plot...it puts me at a loss for words. It is tragic, but hopeful at the same time. I love it when stories make me emotional; this story definitely did! I am telling my roommate that she HAS to read it right now.
1M. SuzanneSo I have to say that honestly, that was one of the best (if not THE best) romance stories that I have ever read on this site.
You are an amazing writer and your plot...it puts me at a loss for words. It is tragic, but hopeful at the same time. I love it when stories make me emotional; this story definitely did! I am telling my roommate that she HAS to read it right now.
4/28/2008 c31 Lady R
I noticed that your story was listed as a favorite on several FP authors that I listed as favorites of mine. My interest was piqued and it took me a little over a week to read. Boy, what an adventure it was! This is one of the few treasures on FP! I totally loved it! I do hope you publish this one day (whichever version it may be since I understand you may edit this later). I would love to have this as part of my collection. And I do hope you have the motivation to edit this. Like you mentioned in your LJ, there are some "dark periods" that elaborating on them would make the story even better.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this and to tell you that you are an amazing author! I look forward to reading your other stories and to hopefully reading an edited version of Covet in the future **hint, hint** ;) LOL
I noticed that your story was listed as a favorite on several FP authors that I listed as favorites of mine. My interest was piqued and it took me a little over a week to read. Boy, what an adventure it was! This is one of the few treasures on FP! I totally loved it! I do hope you publish this one day (whichever version it may be since I understand you may edit this later). I would love to have this as part of my collection. And I do hope you have the motivation to edit this. Like you mentioned in your LJ, there are some "dark periods" that elaborating on them would make the story even better.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this and to tell you that you are an amazing author! I look forward to reading your other stories and to hopefully reading an edited version of Covet in the future **hint, hint** ;) LOL
4/26/2008 c31 1notfortheintelligent
I was going to write a four-word review to take the piss but I decided against it. Most probably because I practically dropped my life to finish covet in two days and would hate for you to stop writing. Instead, I’m offering a review, albeit not from an experienced writer as you may prefer, but from an avid fictionpress reader.
So much about the story was enthralling. Though it’s by no means an original storyline (what’s originality anyway?), the small nuances within are what kept me reading into the wee hours of the morning. Dialogue, without a doubt, is the strongest feature of your writing; where a weaker author would simply allude to a characters wit or intelligence, these traits come alive in your writing when the characters speak.
Another feature of the novel that kept me reading was the characters you had created; though I’m no fan of writers using impossibly handsome characters, I admit in the context of this romance it seemed to fit. And as well as that, as I mentioned before, the dialogue between the characters came to life for me.
Having read snippets of your livejournal, you seem to be debating about the multi-character POV you employ throughout the novel; granted, at very few times the changes made the story hard to follow, the benefits of dipping in and out of each characters mind far outweigh this in terms of better understanding of the characters. Perhaps the only time I would say this doesn’t apply is when you extended the POVs to include lesser characters, and even a few of the “villains”, which simply was not necessary; in fact, omitting the other POVs to include only that of Damien, Adrienne and Lucas would improve the suspense at certain points in the novel. You could even choose to omit the POVs of one of the main characters at certain points, such as leaving only Adrienne’s voice in the rape scene, to create a better sense of the violation she felt, as I don’t think that comes across very much in the scene in the current draft. All in all, the point I’m trying to make here is that your choice to use a variation of viewpoints throughout the novel is a strength rather than a weakness, and that you could even play with this as suggested at certain points in the novel to create effect.
There are a few weaknesses in your writing also that I noticed, some of which tainted the story for me personally. Firstly, I believe the relationship between A and L prior to them running away was rushed and very shaky. Much of the relationship between the two characters relies on their past, but apart from a few scattered flashbacks there was not much in the way of character building in this respect. Another key relationship, which had been entirely omitted, was that of Uriah and his daughter; this is undeniably a key factor in the plot, and to not introduce this character at all would be a shame. This is also the case with practically all the secondary characters in the novel, and at times is rather disappointing. I know leaving much of the description and character building out allows the reader to delve into the story at a faster pace, but it has left the story feeling like a skeletal structure, not fully fleshed out with secondary plots and a real sense of the other characters.
The main characters, as I said, are undoubtedly one of the strongest features of the story. But although the relationship between A and L is strong, there is much ambiguity between both of their relationships with Damien. Between the two boys, there isn’t a whole lot in the way of demonstrating their close bond; though you state it, it’s shown very little in the writing. The relationship between D and A in particular is very shaky. The true amounts of damage the rape and pressure on A is not explored to its full extent.
Finally, I’ll come to the end. It really left me out on a limb. I didn’t feel closure over the romance; Damien’s death wasn’t explored fully. It just felt incomplete.
I’ve tried giving you some constructive criticism, as it’s very refreshing to see talented writers on FP; you don’t come across many good stories on the site and when you do, you want to see it doing well. I really hope you manage to redraft the story, and I hope to be reading it, perhaps in print, in the future.
1notfortheintelligentI was going to write a four-word review to take the piss but I decided against it. Most probably because I practically dropped my life to finish covet in two days and would hate for you to stop writing. Instead, I’m offering a review, albeit not from an experienced writer as you may prefer, but from an avid fictionpress reader.
So much about the story was enthralling. Though it’s by no means an original storyline (what’s originality anyway?), the small nuances within are what kept me reading into the wee hours of the morning. Dialogue, without a doubt, is the strongest feature of your writing; where a weaker author would simply allude to a characters wit or intelligence, these traits come alive in your writing when the characters speak.
Another feature of the novel that kept me reading was the characters you had created; though I’m no fan of writers using impossibly handsome characters, I admit in the context of this romance it seemed to fit. And as well as that, as I mentioned before, the dialogue between the characters came to life for me.
Having read snippets of your livejournal, you seem to be debating about the multi-character POV you employ throughout the novel; granted, at very few times the changes made the story hard to follow, the benefits of dipping in and out of each characters mind far outweigh this in terms of better understanding of the characters. Perhaps the only time I would say this doesn’t apply is when you extended the POVs to include lesser characters, and even a few of the “villains”, which simply was not necessary; in fact, omitting the other POVs to include only that of Damien, Adrienne and Lucas would improve the suspense at certain points in the novel. You could even choose to omit the POVs of one of the main characters at certain points, such as leaving only Adrienne’s voice in the rape scene, to create a better sense of the violation she felt, as I don’t think that comes across very much in the scene in the current draft. All in all, the point I’m trying to make here is that your choice to use a variation of viewpoints throughout the novel is a strength rather than a weakness, and that you could even play with this as suggested at certain points in the novel to create effect.
There are a few weaknesses in your writing also that I noticed, some of which tainted the story for me personally. Firstly, I believe the relationship between A and L prior to them running away was rushed and very shaky. Much of the relationship between the two characters relies on their past, but apart from a few scattered flashbacks there was not much in the way of character building in this respect. Another key relationship, which had been entirely omitted, was that of Uriah and his daughter; this is undeniably a key factor in the plot, and to not introduce this character at all would be a shame. This is also the case with practically all the secondary characters in the novel, and at times is rather disappointing. I know leaving much of the description and character building out allows the reader to delve into the story at a faster pace, but it has left the story feeling like a skeletal structure, not fully fleshed out with secondary plots and a real sense of the other characters.
The main characters, as I said, are undoubtedly one of the strongest features of the story. But although the relationship between A and L is strong, there is much ambiguity between both of their relationships with Damien. Between the two boys, there isn’t a whole lot in the way of demonstrating their close bond; though you state it, it’s shown very little in the writing. The relationship between D and A in particular is very shaky. The true amounts of damage the rape and pressure on A is not explored to its full extent.
Finally, I’ll come to the end. It really left me out on a limb. I didn’t feel closure over the romance; Damien’s death wasn’t explored fully. It just felt incomplete.
I’ve tried giving you some constructive criticism, as it’s very refreshing to see talented writers on FP; you don’t come across many good stories on the site and when you do, you want to see it doing well. I really hope you manage to redraft the story, and I hope to be reading it, perhaps in print, in the future.
4/22/2008 c30 9Dot Cubed
:(
I was going to have my review just be that, but then I realized that was kind of a crappy review, so I'm just gonna say right now that I'm so sad Damien died! I mean I knew you couldn't save him because that would be too rainbows and happy flowers and bunnies, but still, it would've been nice. I actually grew to like the guy. Even liked the idea of him with Adrienne, which is really really REALLY weird to me. But still, no one will ever compare to Lucas-I really love that guy
9Dot Cubed:(
I was going to have my review just be that, but then I realized that was kind of a crappy review, so I'm just gonna say right now that I'm so sad Damien died! I mean I knew you couldn't save him because that would be too rainbows and happy flowers and bunnies, but still, it would've been nice. I actually grew to like the guy. Even liked the idea of him with Adrienne, which is really really REALLY weird to me. But still, no one will ever compare to Lucas-I really love that guy
4/18/2008 c30 miss pretender
This is the best story I have ever read on this site. I laughed, cried, screamed...and thought of a million different ways to leave you a constructive review. And then I knew I couldn't focus on that and decided to leave a blabbering nice one. I don't have time, I have to go read the epilogue!
But please know that this story is superb. It's classic but new, and the themes of the Old Testament are so well placed (and maybe some of that Princess Bride influence (:). Please, please, please publish this. I would love a copy of it to sit nestled among other great novels. Honestly, send me an email when this is published. You are truly talented.
This is the best story I have ever read on this site. I laughed, cried, screamed...and thought of a million different ways to leave you a constructive review. And then I knew I couldn't focus on that and decided to leave a blabbering nice one. I don't have time, I have to go read the epilogue!
But please know that this story is superb. It's classic but new, and the themes of the Old Testament are so well placed (and maybe some of that Princess Bride influence (:). Please, please, please publish this. I would love a copy of it to sit nestled among other great novels. Honestly, send me an email when this is published. You are truly talented.
4/16/2008 c31 3AJS
This story is very messy, and I don't mean in your organization but I mean in a drama kind of way. Honestly, I got really really frustrated with all of the characters when the transformation began, and there were a lot of times when I thought of just clicking out of this story because it drove me insane how stupid they were all being. I think that everyone was to blame for the whole fiasco. Lucas shouldn't have just believed the first thing he heard, and from that brother-in-law, no less. Lucas had never gotten good vibes from him in the first place! I was actually freaking astonished that he seriously just stood there and took everything they were saying to him when he should have just killed him rather than let himself become a kind of puppet. Adrienne was so stupid for staying, for even agreeing to marry Damien in the first place. I know you developed her desire to help other people a little, but I guess it didn't really seem significant enough to me that she would completely disrespect Lucas like that and not even go into proper mourning for him or even see Will first and see her mom and such before just signing her life away. I was really mad at Sarai, because she's so fucking superficial and conniving and we say that Domick dying was only to punish Sarai's husband, but I think that Sarai was at fault as well. She completely duped Adrienne into drinking that drink so that Lucas could take advantage of her. Maybe she's really naive to believe that any girl would accept Damien, but it's still so fucking selfish and ridiculous that she didn't even care that Adrienne was Lucas' wife! I absolutely wanted to murder Damien because he claimed to love her but he never listened to what ADRIENNE wanted - it was all about him. He also had that little jealousy thing of Lucas going even before Adrienne. I like how he changed in the end but at the time I still wanted to kill him.
I'm glad you wrote the epilogue. Haha actually I had printed the end of the story out to the last chapter and I couldn't help but think to myself, "This needs an epilogue..." And alas, I came back and saw that there was still an epilogue left :) Well, this story has certainly transformed from where it began. What ever happened to their childhood friends?
I don't know. I don't have much more to say. This is a really good fic, and I actually stayed up pretty late last night despite having no homework in order to read up to chapter 27 :D Haha. Please keep writing. I really wanted to read your hockey fic (I secretly love hockey...) so I hope you get that published! You're a really talented writer :) I'm glad that Adrienne & Lucas finally got back to their happiness. I wonder if all these other deaths were god related though, why did they lose their first child? :(
- Alyssa
3AJSThis story is very messy, and I don't mean in your organization but I mean in a drama kind of way. Honestly, I got really really frustrated with all of the characters when the transformation began, and there were a lot of times when I thought of just clicking out of this story because it drove me insane how stupid they were all being. I think that everyone was to blame for the whole fiasco. Lucas shouldn't have just believed the first thing he heard, and from that brother-in-law, no less. Lucas had never gotten good vibes from him in the first place! I was actually freaking astonished that he seriously just stood there and took everything they were saying to him when he should have just killed him rather than let himself become a kind of puppet. Adrienne was so stupid for staying, for even agreeing to marry Damien in the first place. I know you developed her desire to help other people a little, but I guess it didn't really seem significant enough to me that she would completely disrespect Lucas like that and not even go into proper mourning for him or even see Will first and see her mom and such before just signing her life away. I was really mad at Sarai, because she's so fucking superficial and conniving and we say that Domick dying was only to punish Sarai's husband, but I think that Sarai was at fault as well. She completely duped Adrienne into drinking that drink so that Lucas could take advantage of her. Maybe she's really naive to believe that any girl would accept Damien, but it's still so fucking selfish and ridiculous that she didn't even care that Adrienne was Lucas' wife! I absolutely wanted to murder Damien because he claimed to love her but he never listened to what ADRIENNE wanted - it was all about him. He also had that little jealousy thing of Lucas going even before Adrienne. I like how he changed in the end but at the time I still wanted to kill him.
I'm glad you wrote the epilogue. Haha actually I had printed the end of the story out to the last chapter and I couldn't help but think to myself, "This needs an epilogue..." And alas, I came back and saw that there was still an epilogue left :) Well, this story has certainly transformed from where it began. What ever happened to their childhood friends?
I don't know. I don't have much more to say. This is a really good fic, and I actually stayed up pretty late last night despite having no homework in order to read up to chapter 27 :D Haha. Please keep writing. I really wanted to read your hockey fic (I secretly love hockey...) so I hope you get that published! You're a really talented writer :) I'm glad that Adrienne & Lucas finally got back to their happiness. I wonder if all these other deaths were god related though, why did they lose their first child? :(
- Alyssa