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8/3/2008 c4 1Zoromaru
Go prince, making a tiny fire ball. lol.
8/3/2008 c3 Zoromaru
Ashes to ashes dust to dust, so the young girl will have to take up her mother's title and job.
8/3/2008 c2 Zoromaru
Really depressing isn't he? lol, but I wonder who the girl is.
9/15/2006 c1 32Skye Hegyes
I like how you have phrased almost the whole thing into questions to let the reader answer of his or her own accord. It is different and if more writers used this technique, they might be better off. Don't know. Maybe it is just you. :D
7/2/2006 c2 12Lccorp2
Harr.

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-Sleeping guards at the gates? In a palace, this might be slightly less imperative, in a castle, I'd expect them to be flogged of something on those lines for dozing on duty.

What kind of royal family keeps lax security?

-If he doesn't want to be noticed, no black cloaks, please, in winter. Especially when there's fresh snow on the ground-he'll stick out like a sore thumb, and light will get around due to the snow's white surface.

-"Ironic" is the wrong word to use. Usually, the word only applies to situations-I think what you want is "sardonic".

-Marble is often portrayed as white, and although impurities in the marble can tint it pink, green or some other colour, never have I come across BLACK marble. Wikipedia is lovely. Hm. Perhaps there's some special type of marble in your world that's black, but you'll have to explain that. Otherwise, your readers who know something about geology will be quite puzzled...

-"Altar" not "alter".

-A tan? In winter? We don't have sun-lamps, presuambly-where would the tan come from? Even if he'd acquired it in summer, it would have paled by now.

Hm.
6/23/2006 c3 17C. Fitzsimmons
Nice start. Your descriptions and character development are very strong and pull the reader into the world well. It's not often you see that type of ailment like Solitaia's mother has in a fantasy story. It's kind of a refreshing change. Interested to see where the story goes from here.
6/4/2006 c1 2Becks-rules
(Allyss_Callie from HH)

Very good prologue, sounds like the things that I write and end up with no where to put them. It gives a really good impression to what the story is going to be about.
6/1/2006 c3 2ConfectusPapilio
Thanks for the review. I get lazy in my writing some times, I know I should have read that aloud. The reason why I wrote so insistantly about Tren from Leana's perspective because (1) I'm trying a new style where I will write from just all the POVs that there are, I intent to give Leana's background a better gloss over from Tren's perspective, or would that be a little too weird? (I love all opinions so say what you want) (2) Leana won't confess it yet, but she is completly in love with Tren, but writing w/ her so focused on him and him alone I was trying to suggest that. Or maybe it came off too strong?

Anyhow, thanks for the review. I'm planning on editing the chapter soon. On to your chapter two.

(for the sake of a random comment, I've got a character name Solita, kinda similair I suppose)

viewpoints - occasionally you shift briefly from Solitaia's POV to that of another persons. I suppose this is okay if you're intending this. But my opinion is that you should do this equally to everyone and not just a select few.

read aloud - few things that could be fixed by just reading aloud, small things

Solitaia - her character...I dunno, I like her and am annoyed by her at the same time. As another reviewer said, she seems just a little bit too perfect. She's not a cardboard cutout - far from it - however she could do to have a few more human weaknesses. I was also wondering that w/ all her superhuman abilities maybe it would seem natural that she has some sort of devine origin. I don't know if you have that in the plans, but it would make me feel alot more comfortable w/ her.

Mother - some development flaws here I think. you just mention her earlier as this perfect, perfect person w/ some minor flaws. Then the reader is introduced to her and is a little supprised, perhaps you should stress Mother's imprefections a little bit more.

medical procedure - Just some of the terminalogy. I am really impressed w/ some of the equiptment they have for use in the story, in fact it seems to be a little too much and a little too modern, that might just be me though. For example, the mother talks about a 'tumor', it would be much more natural (for me, given the times they are in) to read the word 'lump' or something similair. Finally, it seems natural for the healing woman to live on the healing premisis, maybe I don't understand the world you are developing, but given the tiem frame many people lived on the second floor of their work places so that they didn't have to move much

dialogue - just read it aloud, be sure to characterize it for the person saying it

word choice [time frame] - pretty simple, I don't think some of your word choice matches the world your creating. You bounce betwen modern words and words of your time. read it aloud.

Still pretty good, I'm just nitpicky. I hope you update soon, I'm very interested to know where you are taking this.your local broken butterfly.
5/31/2006 c2 ConfectusPapilio
So I'm very interested to know where this goes from here. Very interested.

Some good elements you put into here, I like the way you named some of the God's and the transistions you used from one to another. Then I also was fond of the way you introduced him as a prince (though personally, I"m not fond of short sections and would have written that later)

The weakest part of this chapter was the introductionary stuff, went on a bit more and I found my self skimming the paragraphs more than I should. my personal style demands an exciting introduction w/o long winding stuff. I know it sets the scene, but it just seems a bit dull.

Anyhow, good chapter. I hope to read chapter toon soon enough

your local broken butterfly.
5/31/2006 c2 confectuspapilio
hey, I'll getto this tommorow hopefully, I am interested in reading. I've just got lots of stuff I need to do today and just remembered it. Sorry.
5/31/2006 c1 ConfectusPapilio
so now we know what your theme is.

sorry, I'm not a fan of that style of introduction, but if it suits you, it suits you. My own understanding is that you should prove those points through the course of the story rather than saying it outright in the begginig. Make the character ponder those points so that in the end they know.

Anyhow, on to chapter one.
5/28/2006 c2 1TheMonsterThing
Pretty good, I would say. The girl, however seemed very perfect, like a sublime angel of some higher kingdom. Will she be silly or naive? If she is too intelligent, the story will be a bit too over the top, you know. Very interesting gods.

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