for Ultimate Choices: Threads of Time6/13/2007 c1 
12iamthedave
I recognize that you have a lot of emotion invested in the story, that much is quite obvious from the author's notes, but that won't make me pull any punches. Just saying from the start so you understand its not personal.
-There could be no light without dark. There could be no dark without light
That's not actually a reversible equation. Light creates shadow, but it doesn't create darkness. In fact darkness is a universal constant, and light only temporarily counteracts it. While that might be slightly pedantic, it is worth pointing out because you make a big deal of listing opposites. Life and death are legitimate reversible equations, because you can't die without living, and if you live you have to die. But darkness doesn't cease to be if there's no light.
-Many a great person hath
Don't do this unless you're going the whole hog. 'hath' is totally wrong here. The elevated tone is fine, but this is from a completely different writing register that isn't reflected anywhere else in the chapter.
-only to be discovered in the night of adversity
Hmm. Odd first chapter. I'm not much of a person for that kind of rhetoric (good/evil etc.), I've always preferred shades of grey, but this is a more unusual way of setting them out.
The only problem is... I don't really know what the story's going to be about. Your first chapter, I think, should give a hint of what's to come as well as lay out what this is all about. From this I can guess it's going to heavily feature the various dualities you've mentioned here. But beyond that... not much.
Please R & R my stories if you have the time.
12iamthedaveI recognize that you have a lot of emotion invested in the story, that much is quite obvious from the author's notes, but that won't make me pull any punches. Just saying from the start so you understand its not personal.
-There could be no light without dark. There could be no dark without light
That's not actually a reversible equation. Light creates shadow, but it doesn't create darkness. In fact darkness is a universal constant, and light only temporarily counteracts it. While that might be slightly pedantic, it is worth pointing out because you make a big deal of listing opposites. Life and death are legitimate reversible equations, because you can't die without living, and if you live you have to die. But darkness doesn't cease to be if there's no light.
-Many a great person hath
Don't do this unless you're going the whole hog. 'hath' is totally wrong here. The elevated tone is fine, but this is from a completely different writing register that isn't reflected anywhere else in the chapter.
-only to be discovered in the night of adversity
Hmm. Odd first chapter. I'm not much of a person for that kind of rhetoric (good/evil etc.), I've always preferred shades of grey, but this is a more unusual way of setting them out.
The only problem is... I don't really know what the story's going to be about. Your first chapter, I think, should give a hint of what's to come as well as lay out what this is all about. From this I can guess it's going to heavily feature the various dualities you've mentioned here. But beyond that... not much.
Please R & R my stories if you have the time.
4/22/2007 c2 Luicia and the voices
short but sweet lol. its weird how you have such short words that can create such wild images.
just the word 'sirens' got me thinking. "s_t someone dies or got hurt? fire?" it gets you wondering and compells you to read more. I like that. ^_^
when you described Tsuzumi's movements "like a wisp" it gives you the kind of feeling that something is in the room. WHen i read that line i started glancing around. i thought someone was here lol. ANyway. the word wisp. good choice of words! The way you write (to me) pulls the reader in and puts them in the characters shoes and pushes them into their world. i like it alot! ^_^ no mistakes from what i could see aswell! Have a cookie! (HANDS YOU A COOKIE)
~LU
short but sweet lol. its weird how you have such short words that can create such wild images.
just the word 'sirens' got me thinking. "s_t someone dies or got hurt? fire?" it gets you wondering and compells you to read more. I like that. ^_^
when you described Tsuzumi's movements "like a wisp" it gives you the kind of feeling that something is in the room. WHen i read that line i started glancing around. i thought someone was here lol. ANyway. the word wisp. good choice of words! The way you write (to me) pulls the reader in and puts them in the characters shoes and pushes them into their world. i like it alot! ^_^ no mistakes from what i could see aswell! Have a cookie! (HANDS YOU A COOKIE)
~LU
4/22/2007 c1 Luicia and the voices
oohh... nice. True when you think about it. things ARE pretty much run by opposites. i have atheory but i aint gonna say it in fear that you might die halfway through it out of boredom lol. anyhoo! Nice chapter uhh, prelude! i like how you are saying that without one thing its opposite cannot survive. something like that right? lol. It's also kind of like a debate going on here. you got the first voice thing that talks in your head while you read. i'll call him the narrator. then you got the arguing voice. i'll call him mr. voice. its nice to see how your telling the story but also give the reader a chance to kind of make their own descision about things. nice ^_^
~lu
oohh... nice. True when you think about it. things ARE pretty much run by opposites. i have atheory but i aint gonna say it in fear that you might die halfway through it out of boredom lol. anyhoo! Nice chapter uhh, prelude! i like how you are saying that without one thing its opposite cannot survive. something like that right? lol. It's also kind of like a debate going on here. you got the first voice thing that talks in your head while you read. i'll call him the narrator. then you got the arguing voice. i'll call him mr. voice. its nice to see how your telling the story but also give the reader a chance to kind of make their own descision about things. nice ^_^
~lu
9/25/2006 c5 Tom Campbell
Yeah I think I've decided that this reminds me more of Outlaw Star. I have to give you props for your characters though; none of which seem to be flat, though it is a little too soon to cast judgement with them. I think there is a lot of depth waiting to be explored. And if you have put as much thought into your story as you claim and as much that is apparent then it should only be a matter of time until the proper chapter comes up.
Another excellent chapter.
Yeah I think I've decided that this reminds me more of Outlaw Star. I have to give you props for your characters though; none of which seem to be flat, though it is a little too soon to cast judgement with them. I think there is a lot of depth waiting to be explored. And if you have put as much thought into your story as you claim and as much that is apparent then it should only be a matter of time until the proper chapter comes up.
Another excellent chapter.
9/25/2006 c4 Tom Campbell
I love it. It reads a lot like an anime; although I can't decide if it reminds me more of Outlaw Star or Cowboy Bebop.
I would also like to say thanks for the reviews you gave my story. I appreciate it; chapter two should be up soon. I would have finished it earlier but Ive been busy working on scripts for my film classes.
But anyways, This it one of the better things I've read in awhile. Keep up the good work ^_^.
I love it. It reads a lot like an anime; although I can't decide if it reminds me more of Outlaw Star or Cowboy Bebop.
I would also like to say thanks for the reviews you gave my story. I appreciate it; chapter two should be up soon. I would have finished it earlier but Ive been busy working on scripts for my film classes.
But anyways, This it one of the better things I've read in awhile. Keep up the good work ^_^.
9/23/2006 c5 2Casey Drake
...um...
I think I'll wait a bit and reread this. I'm as confused as Seth right now.
:) CD
2Casey Drake...um...
I think I'll wait a bit and reread this. I'm as confused as Seth right now.
:) CD
9/2/2006 c4 Casey Drake
sweet... I LOVE this!
oh, by the way, I am clearing favorite authors because I have far too many to list, so I'm putting every on the list on Author Alert, then taking them off favorite authors. This does not mean I do not like you.
:) CD
sweet... I LOVE this!
oh, by the way, I am clearing favorite authors because I have far too many to list, so I'm putting every on the list on Author Alert, then taking them off favorite authors. This does not mean I do not like you.
:) CD
8/23/2006 c3 Tom Campbell
Well done. A fine start for an epic indeed. I had a few problems with grammer - a few omitted words or occasionally feel awkward but nothing that subracted from the story. If I were to give it a score it would definetly be a 9 out of 10.
Well done. A fine start for an epic indeed. I had a few problems with grammer - a few omitted words or occasionally feel awkward but nothing that subracted from the story. If I were to give it a score it would definetly be a 9 out of 10.
8/23/2006 c2 Tom Campbell
Awesomeness. If only it was a little longer. Had this been in print - following the point where I reach the final word there would be a turning of the page of such earnest that it would indeed threaten to tear the page out. Only one complaint really is that there is a part where it looks like a word got omitted. But other than that it's just damn good.
Awesomeness. If only it was a little longer. Had this been in print - following the point where I reach the final word there would be a turning of the page of such earnest that it would indeed threaten to tear the page out. Only one complaint really is that there is a part where it looks like a word got omitted. But other than that it's just damn good.
8/23/2006 c1 Tom Campbell
I can tell that you have spent a great deal of time thinking over this. The fact that you start out with a philosophical debate is just awesome. It certainly grabbed my attention and held it.It's everything a Prelude should be.
I can tell that you have spent a great deal of time thinking over this. The fact that you start out with a philosophical debate is just awesome. It certainly grabbed my attention and held it.It's everything a Prelude should be.
6/6/2006 c1 65Nemonus
Oh, it lets me send you a review now...*grumbles* I sent you an e-mail review! So I'm just doing this in case you don't get that, as I don't know my current e-mail provider enough to trust them. (never trust Google...) anyway, contact me if you don't get that review (or if you do and just really want to say something.) ~Nemonus
65NemonusOh, it lets me send you a review now...*grumbles* I sent you an e-mail review! So I'm just doing this in case you don't get that, as I don't know my current e-mail provider enough to trust them. (never trust Google...) anyway, contact me if you don't get that review (or if you do and just really want to say something.) ~Nemonus