for Tears of Forever10/8/2008 c1 
3xGekkeiju
Hello there, Arch Demon. Sorry, I'm not quite sure what to call you, and I always begin my reviews with a hello! (:
First off, I'd just like to say wow. So, uh.. Wow. I mean it. That was just so powerful. I'm not sure if this story is true or not, but whatever the case, I really felt it. I felt like I was there. The emotions were real. The setting was real. The people were real. And that, my friend, is writing at its best.
That said, I must confess that I was a bit lost in the beginning. It sounds more like a ramble and, to me, it feels a bit irrelevant. It's like you were trying to introduce the rest of the story, but you got somewhat carried away. I don't know, I found myself losing track of where the story was going. Once you got on track, though, I was completely sucked in. I love how you referred to your father's drinking problem as a demon, and addressed him and the problem as two separate beings. That was sheer brilliance, in my opinion. See, it's very easy to relate to. At the moment, I'm trying to fight off one of my own demons. Not a drinking one or even a physical one, really, but there are many different types. But this is about you and your work, and - again - I commend you on this idea.
While the story was very strong in concept and in content, the grammar needed a bit of work. It seemed fine for about the first half of the story, and then it seemed to fall apart a bit. No offense - it's a longer story, and perhaps the errors are more likely to be missed in the middle of the story, but they're there. Just little things, really, like "I've got to many scars" instead of "I've got too many scars". Nothing major. I'd list them all, but I'm not your Beta - that's not my job. My job is to review, not to edit. Also, I spotted a few tense errors in your work, mostly near the middle and in the end. These become difficult to keep track of when you're dealing with events from the past and trying to make the reader feel a part of it - I understand - but I'm letting you know that there are a couple. No big deal, though. The story itself more than makes up for such trivialities.
My advice to you is to keep it real. No, I'm not being funny. Seriously. Whatever the writer feels while writing something is what the reader will feel while reading it. If you aren't affected by your own work, nobody else will be affected either. You did an excellent job of provoking thoughts and feelings in this work, and I urge you to continue to do so in the future.
I'm looking forward to reviewing more of your work soon! As it is, I've got a lot on my plate and I must attend to other things first. I want to take a few days and then save a few hours for reading more of your work because I feel you deserve more time and effort than I can afford at the moment.
Thanks for the great read! I expect more of this genius in the future, you hear? (;
~Wren
3xGekkeijuHello there, Arch Demon. Sorry, I'm not quite sure what to call you, and I always begin my reviews with a hello! (:
First off, I'd just like to say wow. So, uh.. Wow. I mean it. That was just so powerful. I'm not sure if this story is true or not, but whatever the case, I really felt it. I felt like I was there. The emotions were real. The setting was real. The people were real. And that, my friend, is writing at its best.
That said, I must confess that I was a bit lost in the beginning. It sounds more like a ramble and, to me, it feels a bit irrelevant. It's like you were trying to introduce the rest of the story, but you got somewhat carried away. I don't know, I found myself losing track of where the story was going. Once you got on track, though, I was completely sucked in. I love how you referred to your father's drinking problem as a demon, and addressed him and the problem as two separate beings. That was sheer brilliance, in my opinion. See, it's very easy to relate to. At the moment, I'm trying to fight off one of my own demons. Not a drinking one or even a physical one, really, but there are many different types. But this is about you and your work, and - again - I commend you on this idea.
While the story was very strong in concept and in content, the grammar needed a bit of work. It seemed fine for about the first half of the story, and then it seemed to fall apart a bit. No offense - it's a longer story, and perhaps the errors are more likely to be missed in the middle of the story, but they're there. Just little things, really, like "I've got to many scars" instead of "I've got too many scars". Nothing major. I'd list them all, but I'm not your Beta - that's not my job. My job is to review, not to edit. Also, I spotted a few tense errors in your work, mostly near the middle and in the end. These become difficult to keep track of when you're dealing with events from the past and trying to make the reader feel a part of it - I understand - but I'm letting you know that there are a couple. No big deal, though. The story itself more than makes up for such trivialities.
My advice to you is to keep it real. No, I'm not being funny. Seriously. Whatever the writer feels while writing something is what the reader will feel while reading it. If you aren't affected by your own work, nobody else will be affected either. You did an excellent job of provoking thoughts and feelings in this work, and I urge you to continue to do so in the future.
I'm looking forward to reviewing more of your work soon! As it is, I've got a lot on my plate and I must attend to other things first. I want to take a few days and then save a few hours for reading more of your work because I feel you deserve more time and effort than I can afford at the moment.
Thanks for the great read! I expect more of this genius in the future, you hear? (;
~Wren
7/5/2006 c1 9SapphireIris
Damn... is this actually true? If so, your problems rival mine...
I know this is a personal thing, and constructive crit would probably be thought of as a personal attack. (At least, that's how everyone else thinks about it). There's one paragraph, though, where the first word of every sentence is "I", "I'm", or "I'd". You don't have to change it for me, but it would probably flow better.
Anyway, the ending reminds me of Stephen King's way of ending short stories (have you read "Everything's Eventual"?) The fact remains that the ending is perfect.
Sorry for the novel length review, but I ramble a lot.
-SapphireIris
9SapphireIrisDamn... is this actually true? If so, your problems rival mine...
I know this is a personal thing, and constructive crit would probably be thought of as a personal attack. (At least, that's how everyone else thinks about it). There's one paragraph, though, where the first word of every sentence is "I", "I'm", or "I'd". You don't have to change it for me, but it would probably flow better.
Anyway, the ending reminds me of Stephen King's way of ending short stories (have you read "Everything's Eventual"?) The fact remains that the ending is perfect.
Sorry for the novel length review, but I ramble a lot.
-SapphireIris
6/13/2006 c1 177notated descant
there's truth in this piece that just conveys how real this situation is. Your feelings are portrayed perfectly, and your writing style isn't too bad either (though that's just a matter of preference^^) Good job on this... you've got promise!
177notated descantthere's truth in this piece that just conveys how real this situation is. Your feelings are portrayed perfectly, and your writing style isn't too bad either (though that's just a matter of preference^^) Good job on this... you've got promise!