for A Young Girl's Heart7/24/2006 c4 Insert Name Here
It's a shame that you won't be updating anytime soon.
I do hope something comes along to inspire you.
Until then,keep writting.
It's a shame that you won't be updating anytime soon.
I do hope something comes along to inspire you.
Until then,keep writting.
7/24/2006 c3 Insert Name Here
Okay, let's see..
Good chapter.The way you twist your writing with such creativity and grace grabs your readers' attention to no end.
"...their lips interlocked, fueling the heat of the night."
That was simply marvelous.I loved it.Great way to conclude the chapter, too.
Update, update.
Okay, let's see..
Good chapter.The way you twist your writing with such creativity and grace grabs your readers' attention to no end.
"...their lips interlocked, fueling the heat of the night."
That was simply marvelous.I loved it.Great way to conclude the chapter, too.
Update, update.
7/24/2006 c2 Insert Name Here
I liked how your writing is descriptive, but I feel that you over do it at times.
Anywho, I found this chapter pretty amusing. You captured a teenager's typical reactions with perfection.
"Are they hot?"
That's the best example. I could picture myself saying that, and about 20 other people speaking those same lines.
Good, good.Keep writting.
I liked how your writing is descriptive, but I feel that you over do it at times.
Anywho, I found this chapter pretty amusing. You captured a teenager's typical reactions with perfection.
"Are they hot?"
That's the best example. I could picture myself saying that, and about 20 other people speaking those same lines.
Good, good.Keep writting.
7/24/2006 c1 Insert Name Here
This was a rather cute beginning.
I liked the idea of two POVs.It might serve as an interesting touchto the story if they somehow merge asconflicts begin to unravel. But that'smuch, much later on.
But again, nice start.It hooked me.Keep at it. (:
This was a rather cute beginning.
I liked the idea of two POVs.It might serve as an interesting touchto the story if they somehow merge asconflicts begin to unravel. But that'smuch, much later on.
But again, nice start.It hooked me.Keep at it. (:
7/15/2006 c3 Marie Cecile
okay, I'm offically amused! Ooh lala, a beautiful boy with my feet. Which feast for me!” I love it! update please.-Marie Cecile
okay, I'm offically amused! Ooh lala, a beautiful boy with my feet. Which feast for me!” I love it! update please.-Marie Cecile
6/30/2006 c4 I'm Me For A Reason
She not gonna do it is she well great so far please Update soon
She not gonna do it is she well great so far please Update soon
6/25/2006 c2 
103Jesse the Storyteller
Oh gosh... "Are they hot?"
I want to punch both of these girls in the face. o_O; how can you have Shiloh making fun of the slut girl's "plastic posse" when in this chapter, the two girls sound just as airheady?
Or is that the point?
103Jesse the StorytellerOh gosh... "Are they hot?"
I want to punch both of these girls in the face. o_O; how can you have Shiloh making fun of the slut girl's "plastic posse" when in this chapter, the two girls sound just as airheady?
Or is that the point?
6/25/2006 c1 Jesse the Storyteller
o_O The Point of View thing is kind of confusing and obnoixous.
Seems very typical cheesy teenage romance so far... but interesting.
o_O The Point of View thing is kind of confusing and obnoixous.
Seems very typical cheesy teenage romance so far... but interesting.
6/20/2006 c3 12ieago
wow very good i like the last bit "their lips interlocked, fuelling the heat of the night." Hope Dan doesn't turn out to be a user!
12ieagowow very good i like the last bit "their lips interlocked, fuelling the heat of the night." Hope Dan doesn't turn out to be a user!
6/18/2006 c3 1playing.with.scissors
Hey there. Thanks for reviewing my story. I just updated if you're interested. I really like this story. The ending to this chapter was so sweet. Please update soon.
1playing.with.scissorsHey there. Thanks for reviewing my story. I just updated if you're interested. I really like this story. The ending to this chapter was so sweet. Please update soon.
6/18/2006 c3 1thedarkestangelofall
Hey you better write more before I have to for you the story is terrific keep it up
1thedarkestangelofallHey you better write more before I have to for you the story is terrific keep it up
6/17/2006 c2 12ieago
luv it! Very good and you updated quick which always gets people in my good books! Hope to read more soon. Thanks for the review! x
12ieagoluv it! Very good and you updated quick which always gets people in my good books! Hope to read more soon. Thanks for the review! x
6/15/2006 c1 11Lilac Kisses
Hey. I think you've got a good work here, but it needs edits.
Raising her hand to grasp it, to her surprise, it started to open. [This really doesn't make that much sense, if you look at it. Maybe something more like "As she rose her hand to grasp it, to her surprise, it started to open."?]
Daniel and both of his roommates have dated nearly every girl at St. Grace’s Academy, at least once and made out with each more times than all can count. [You change tenses here rather ubruptly. It makes no sense because here you're talking about events that are in the past of your story. As such... they should also be written in the past. If not it jolts your reader right out of the story.]
left the boy heartbroken and left her mimick [You may want to change one of the "left"s. It's a bit repetitive]
Good luck with the story. I hope I helped.
11Lilac KissesHey. I think you've got a good work here, but it needs edits.
Raising her hand to grasp it, to her surprise, it started to open. [This really doesn't make that much sense, if you look at it. Maybe something more like "As she rose her hand to grasp it, to her surprise, it started to open."?]
Daniel and both of his roommates have dated nearly every girl at St. Grace’s Academy, at least once and made out with each more times than all can count. [You change tenses here rather ubruptly. It makes no sense because here you're talking about events that are in the past of your story. As such... they should also be written in the past. If not it jolts your reader right out of the story.]
left the boy heartbroken and left her mimick [You may want to change one of the "left"s. It's a bit repetitive]
Good luck with the story. I hope I helped.