for Rituals6/25/2006 c1 
49Endowment's Seraph
this is pretty good. tho i don't quite see how it's a one-shot. cuz that would be a complete story in one chapter. a short story if you will. but this was good. write more to it!~Mel
49Endowment's Seraphthis is pretty good. tho i don't quite see how it's a one-shot. cuz that would be a complete story in one chapter. a short story if you will. but this was good. write more to it!~Mel
6/25/2006 c1 8squiggle-line
Cute idea. Definately worth the three minutes! Random thoughts while reading the piece:
Couple of missing commas.
The internal monologue when Angela reminds herself of her anger towards Keith is a bit bumpy. Maybe write the reflection in first person instead of second?
Why do Angela and Keith hate each other? While their animosity is clear in the story, it seems rather out of place because reasons for their mutual dislike are not apparent. OR...does Angela dislike Keith because he annoys her? If so, what is Keith's motivation for annoying her? Because he likes her? Their bantering doesn't really seem like flirting...it seems like they really dislik each other.
The description of Keith seems a little forced. It gives the reader an idea of his ego but the physical descriptions were a bit hard to get through.
Making out in the cafe to making out in the janitor's closet? In the beginning, Angela doesn't seem like the type of girl that would make out with a guy in public...
"...now that I [had?] started, nothing was going to stop me."
"Who [knew] a little change in ritual was all I needed?" I like how you tied in the ritual idea to the ending.
Ending is a bit...hard to digest. From her characterization in the beginning, I wasn't expecting Angela to react that way to Keith's kiss.
Angela's observations seem a bit bumpy but I think the dialogue flows extremely well.
Nice.
8squiggle-lineCute idea. Definately worth the three minutes! Random thoughts while reading the piece:
Couple of missing commas.
The internal monologue when Angela reminds herself of her anger towards Keith is a bit bumpy. Maybe write the reflection in first person instead of second?
Why do Angela and Keith hate each other? While their animosity is clear in the story, it seems rather out of place because reasons for their mutual dislike are not apparent. OR...does Angela dislike Keith because he annoys her? If so, what is Keith's motivation for annoying her? Because he likes her? Their bantering doesn't really seem like flirting...it seems like they really dislik each other.
The description of Keith seems a little forced. It gives the reader an idea of his ego but the physical descriptions were a bit hard to get through.
Making out in the cafe to making out in the janitor's closet? In the beginning, Angela doesn't seem like the type of girl that would make out with a guy in public...
"...now that I [had?] started, nothing was going to stop me."
"Who [knew] a little change in ritual was all I needed?" I like how you tied in the ritual idea to the ending.
Ending is a bit...hard to digest. From her characterization in the beginning, I wasn't expecting Angela to react that way to Keith's kiss.
Angela's observations seem a bit bumpy but I think the dialogue flows extremely well.
Nice.
6/25/2006 c1 8Tasyin
Not bad, you've captured a nice feeling here. It's short, sweet, and I want to know more, which is the point when you know you've done well with a one shot. There are quite a few spelling mistakes, but if you read it over once or twice you should catch them, it's not really anything major and doesn't detract from your storytelling at all. Good work.
~Tasyin
8TasyinNot bad, you've captured a nice feeling here. It's short, sweet, and I want to know more, which is the point when you know you've done well with a one shot. There are quite a few spelling mistakes, but if you read it over once or twice you should catch them, it's not really anything major and doesn't detract from your storytelling at all. Good work.
~Tasyin
6/25/2006 c1 2Shanahbelle
Absolutely lovely, totally worth the 3 minutes it took me to read it, Lolz. I loved your title. it totally fit in with your piece. Keith is described really well. I can totally imagine him pushing ME into that dark closet! Anyway...i enjoyed reading this and i can't wait to read more of your writing.
2ShanahbelleAbsolutely lovely, totally worth the 3 minutes it took me to read it, Lolz. I loved your title. it totally fit in with your piece. Keith is described really well. I can totally imagine him pushing ME into that dark closet! Anyway...i enjoyed reading this and i can't wait to read more of your writing.