for Fly Me A Savior10/6/2007 c1 M.D.Irvine
ah GCE Olevels- a long distant memory that i have no wish to recall lol I love your writing style. I had liked the first person narrative in The Art of Losing Myself. Your third person narrative here is just as powerful. I on the other hand do better in third person than first. Another character struggling with their true self. Your character in art of losing myself reveled in being different while Sam just wants to be ordinary, unnoticed. I see this is a fantasy. Curious though, why would her legs scream that they would walk no further when she had just gotten off the bus. I would say her legs complained about walking maybe she didnt like to walk esp up slopes and wished the bus could drop her off infront of her house or something.
So Samantha was adopted but her new home was no longer a refuge? She thought that at long last she was going home so was she in boarding school ? that would explain why she should have called maybe to be picked up from school or something.
She says there would be no talk of being a disgrace or about her being an orphan- im guessing this talk was what she got at school or wherever she lived before she was part of this new family.
A few things mentioned here esp about family was a bit scattered and i found it hard to follow or understand what Sam meant.
Of course you might ahve deliberately written it this way for it to be explained better in later chapters.
i do think though that the earlier things i mentioned should be a bit clearer.
ah GCE Olevels- a long distant memory that i have no wish to recall lol I love your writing style. I had liked the first person narrative in The Art of Losing Myself. Your third person narrative here is just as powerful. I on the other hand do better in third person than first. Another character struggling with their true self. Your character in art of losing myself reveled in being different while Sam just wants to be ordinary, unnoticed. I see this is a fantasy. Curious though, why would her legs scream that they would walk no further when she had just gotten off the bus. I would say her legs complained about walking maybe she didnt like to walk esp up slopes and wished the bus could drop her off infront of her house or something.
So Samantha was adopted but her new home was no longer a refuge? She thought that at long last she was going home so was she in boarding school ? that would explain why she should have called maybe to be picked up from school or something.
She says there would be no talk of being a disgrace or about her being an orphan- im guessing this talk was what she got at school or wherever she lived before she was part of this new family.
A few things mentioned here esp about family was a bit scattered and i found it hard to follow or understand what Sam meant.
Of course you might ahve deliberately written it this way for it to be explained better in later chapters.
i do think though that the earlier things i mentioned should be a bit clearer.
10/7/2006 c6 
9rvtolentino
hi incandescente, sorry it took so long for this review, but as you can see, i only was able to put up my own new chapter after two weeks of hiatus...
anyway, no big deal happening here, aside from the trouble the world is going through that Jibril had told Sam last chapter was revealed to be a virus. i was disappointed that it wasn't some sort of a spectacular supernatural sort of crisis you'd expect from angels and winged protagonists, but actually that disappointment was in a good way. i was frankly taken aback that you've blended two cliches (a teener tasked to save the world multiplied by a "mysterious" epidemic sweeping the world) in a way that they seemed fresh. although, of course, it seemed like Bird Flu or SARS redux (as viruses originating in the Southeast Asian region are frequently thought ot be).
Samantha was starting to become frisky and snappy, and while i think her lashing out at Jibril was uncalled for, the subtle change in her personality was a good development.
this story is becoming better, and the build-up is getting somewhere, which was a far cry from the first few uneventful chapters. write more soon!
~DD
PS. Evangelion will have a remake, split into several movies that will show next year. it'll be called "Shin Seiki Evangelion Gekijou Ban" (in case you're interested). XD
9rvtolentinohi incandescente, sorry it took so long for this review, but as you can see, i only was able to put up my own new chapter after two weeks of hiatus...
anyway, no big deal happening here, aside from the trouble the world is going through that Jibril had told Sam last chapter was revealed to be a virus. i was disappointed that it wasn't some sort of a spectacular supernatural sort of crisis you'd expect from angels and winged protagonists, but actually that disappointment was in a good way. i was frankly taken aback that you've blended two cliches (a teener tasked to save the world multiplied by a "mysterious" epidemic sweeping the world) in a way that they seemed fresh. although, of course, it seemed like Bird Flu or SARS redux (as viruses originating in the Southeast Asian region are frequently thought ot be).
Samantha was starting to become frisky and snappy, and while i think her lashing out at Jibril was uncalled for, the subtle change in her personality was a good development.
this story is becoming better, and the build-up is getting somewhere, which was a far cry from the first few uneventful chapters. write more soon!
~DD
PS. Evangelion will have a remake, split into several movies that will show next year. it'll be called "Shin Seiki Evangelion Gekijou Ban" (in case you're interested). XD
9/25/2006 c6 5Shdwphoenix
This is a spiffy story you've got here. I rather like winged people and am very happy I stumbled across one without even trying. XD There aren't enough fics of them out there, I say!
Other people have already brought up the grammar and punctuation issue, so I won't echo them. However... while I've never been a beta reader before... if you'd like, I can proofread your writing for spelling/grammar and other technicalities. My email is on my user profile, I believe.
Onto the story! I like the fact that she has wings (of course) as the aspect that sets her apart, but I think she was a little too quick to accept them. After landing, however haphazardly, Sam was amazed long enough to notice the pain, but after the abrupt phone call, she'd already switched her mindset from 'I have wings?' to 'How am I going to use these wings'? In my opinion, it was too swift of a change. A couple more short paragraphs of panic and such would've been better. But if you're happy with the way Chapter Five was written, don't feel obligated to add more just 'cause I brought it up. _ I'm just saying, if it was me, I'd be more concerned with 'why do I have them' and possibly 'how can I get rid of them' rather than 'alright, let's put these babies to good use'.
But I'm not Sam, and I'm not the writer, so I shall stop cramping your style and move on. ^ ^;
I really like some of the word choices you have. The bed cocooning, especially, because when I read that chapter I was half-asleep and thinking 'M, warm comfy bed.' Your descriptions, while not abundant, are just right to characterize and convey whatever emotion Sam has or action she's doing. Preciseness is an art I need to master. I tend to ramble when I write. _ Like now. *guffaw*
As an ending note, about your story summary, you might attract more readers if you space after every period, because the sentences are kind of squashed together at the moment. And, you already used 'fast' to talk about the epidemic, so maybe you could use a word other than fast' when talking about the cure? [An epidemic is spreading rapidly throughout the continents. A cure is needed, fast.]?
Anyway, like I said, I'm glad I found this story and I hope you continue working on it. I'd love to read more!
-Shdwphoenix
5ShdwphoenixThis is a spiffy story you've got here. I rather like winged people and am very happy I stumbled across one without even trying. XD There aren't enough fics of them out there, I say!
Other people have already brought up the grammar and punctuation issue, so I won't echo them. However... while I've never been a beta reader before... if you'd like, I can proofread your writing for spelling/grammar and other technicalities. My email is on my user profile, I believe.
Onto the story! I like the fact that she has wings (of course) as the aspect that sets her apart, but I think she was a little too quick to accept them. After landing, however haphazardly, Sam was amazed long enough to notice the pain, but after the abrupt phone call, she'd already switched her mindset from 'I have wings?' to 'How am I going to use these wings'? In my opinion, it was too swift of a change. A couple more short paragraphs of panic and such would've been better. But if you're happy with the way Chapter Five was written, don't feel obligated to add more just 'cause I brought it up. _ I'm just saying, if it was me, I'd be more concerned with 'why do I have them' and possibly 'how can I get rid of them' rather than 'alright, let's put these babies to good use'.
But I'm not Sam, and I'm not the writer, so I shall stop cramping your style and move on. ^ ^;
I really like some of the word choices you have. The bed cocooning, especially, because when I read that chapter I was half-asleep and thinking 'M, warm comfy bed.' Your descriptions, while not abundant, are just right to characterize and convey whatever emotion Sam has or action she's doing. Preciseness is an art I need to master. I tend to ramble when I write. _ Like now. *guffaw*
As an ending note, about your story summary, you might attract more readers if you space after every period, because the sentences are kind of squashed together at the moment. And, you already used 'fast' to talk about the epidemic, so maybe you could use a word other than fast' when talking about the cure? [An epidemic is spreading rapidly throughout the continents. A cure is needed, fast.]?
Anyway, like I said, I'm glad I found this story and I hope you continue working on it. I'd love to read more!
-Shdwphoenix
9/6/2006 c5 9rvtolentino
im back, finally. sorry for not being to review as promptly as you might have expected. gomen~
first paragraph: "wwhen she twisted" you doubled the 'w' of 'when'.
"searched her mangled body". this description is too strong; maybe try to tone it down? an image of either a raped or a badly beaten, bleeding body come to mind. X_X
"Birds chirp unknowingly all around". tense flip. 'chirp' is in present tense, and you should probably know by now that you have to use past tense in all verbs in narration as you've generally spoken with it for the bulk of the story. replace it with 'chirped'. but what the heck, i suffer from it sometimes too, so there. :)
Sam's scene in which she was trying to fly reminded me of the first Spider-Man movie where Peter was attempting to produce a web. LOL. it's sort of cool though that her wings somehow have a life of their own, so she needed some kind of meditation to make it work. like, it's not so much as a body part but as a machine-or something like that. i find it quite convenient though that when she asked these wings to disappear, they did so; it would've been funnier if her class found out that she had wings. maybe boys would ogle and ask her if she was cosplaying (or a retard). LOL. whatever, at least the execution was good.
"shirt she had don earlier". use 'donned' here, because you were using the past perfect tense (indicated by 'had/has/have').
"She didnt want them". 'didnt' here misses an apostrophe, between 'n' and 't'.
"whistling nonchalently". i think the more proper spelling is 'nonchalantly'.
"Until she decides to restart". i can understand that 'decides' sounded better for this one, but i think it would be more correct to still use the past form of this word: 'decided'. or, for a more surefire way, rephrase it; maybe to "until she should decide to restart..."
"Thank God its the". missing apostrophe between in 'its' (between 't' and 's').
you know, when Sam asked Jibril at the closing part of the chapter, "What's wrong with the world", i was kinda expecting the latter to recite a line from Robert Browning's Pippa Passes: "God's in his heaven; all's right with the world!" LOL! i don't know why, really. btw, that line was used as the motto for NERV, the central organization prominent in the Japanese cult-classic anime show "Neon Genesis Evangelion".
anyway good chapter; Sam learning the basic 'controls' of her wings was cool, including the idea that even with such a surreal event that had happened, it was still a normal day. i love that touch in this update.
write more soon!
~DD
9rvtolentinoim back, finally. sorry for not being to review as promptly as you might have expected. gomen~
first paragraph: "wwhen she twisted" you doubled the 'w' of 'when'.
"searched her mangled body". this description is too strong; maybe try to tone it down? an image of either a raped or a badly beaten, bleeding body come to mind. X_X
"Birds chirp unknowingly all around". tense flip. 'chirp' is in present tense, and you should probably know by now that you have to use past tense in all verbs in narration as you've generally spoken with it for the bulk of the story. replace it with 'chirped'. but what the heck, i suffer from it sometimes too, so there. :)
Sam's scene in which she was trying to fly reminded me of the first Spider-Man movie where Peter was attempting to produce a web. LOL. it's sort of cool though that her wings somehow have a life of their own, so she needed some kind of meditation to make it work. like, it's not so much as a body part but as a machine-or something like that. i find it quite convenient though that when she asked these wings to disappear, they did so; it would've been funnier if her class found out that she had wings. maybe boys would ogle and ask her if she was cosplaying (or a retard). LOL. whatever, at least the execution was good.
"shirt she had don earlier". use 'donned' here, because you were using the past perfect tense (indicated by 'had/has/have').
"She didnt want them". 'didnt' here misses an apostrophe, between 'n' and 't'.
"whistling nonchalently". i think the more proper spelling is 'nonchalantly'.
"Until she decides to restart". i can understand that 'decides' sounded better for this one, but i think it would be more correct to still use the past form of this word: 'decided'. or, for a more surefire way, rephrase it; maybe to "until she should decide to restart..."
"Thank God its the". missing apostrophe between in 'its' (between 't' and 's').
you know, when Sam asked Jibril at the closing part of the chapter, "What's wrong with the world", i was kinda expecting the latter to recite a line from Robert Browning's Pippa Passes: "God's in his heaven; all's right with the world!" LOL! i don't know why, really. btw, that line was used as the motto for NERV, the central organization prominent in the Japanese cult-classic anime show "Neon Genesis Evangelion".
anyway good chapter; Sam learning the basic 'controls' of her wings was cool, including the idea that even with such a surreal event that had happened, it was still a normal day. i love that touch in this update.
write more soon!
~DD
9/1/2006 c5 1Dragon Fiend Of Doom
There's a bit of punctuation missing, which is just a bit distracting
1Dragon Fiend Of DoomThere's a bit of punctuation missing, which is just a bit distracting
9/1/2006 c5 12elisefey
"She knew them to be dried blood, judging from the the remembered pain when she had fell through the canopy" - Aah! Good detail. It totally made me cringe because I was imagining what that must have felt like.
I like Sam yelling Abracadabra. That was kind of funny.
She kept the feather! I was wondering about that. Thank you for showing that.
Ooh! And there's more of the being! So cool.
I'm so glad I could be of help! I'm also glad you posted another chapter! It was a good one; I could totally follow everything that was happening and visualize it. The line dividers really helped to warn that there was a scene change so it didn't feel like you were jumping around in the story.
12elisefey"She knew them to be dried blood, judging from the the remembered pain when she had fell through the canopy" - Aah! Good detail. It totally made me cringe because I was imagining what that must have felt like.
I like Sam yelling Abracadabra. That was kind of funny.
She kept the feather! I was wondering about that. Thank you for showing that.
Ooh! And there's more of the being! So cool.
I'm so glad I could be of help! I'm also glad you posted another chapter! It was a good one; I could totally follow everything that was happening and visualize it. The line dividers really helped to warn that there was a scene change so it didn't feel like you were jumping around in the story.
8/3/2006 c4 29i.wont.stop.dying
Well here I am again today. I had time before lunch so I thought I would squeeze in a chapter or two.. and I ended up taking a late lunch to read the rest. I love your work. I think that your storyline and emotional description are your best parts, while your dialogue is sometimes young and like others have said, grammar, grammar grammar. But I'm one to talk, I barely check mine over. This story has potential to be one of the most interesting pieces on this site if all goes well, considering I haven't seen angels involved in stories all to often. I'm intrigued by your creativity and I will definitely be checking up on these regularily.
29i.wont.stop.dyingWell here I am again today. I had time before lunch so I thought I would squeeze in a chapter or two.. and I ended up taking a late lunch to read the rest. I love your work. I think that your storyline and emotional description are your best parts, while your dialogue is sometimes young and like others have said, grammar, grammar grammar. But I'm one to talk, I barely check mine over. This story has potential to be one of the most interesting pieces on this site if all goes well, considering I haven't seen angels involved in stories all to often. I'm intrigued by your creativity and I will definitely be checking up on these regularily.
7/31/2006 c4 9rvtolentino
"I've become so numb..."
oh wait, i was writing a review.
*clears throat*
okay this is probably the best chapter you've written and nit-picking aside you have redeemed the fairly average first three chapters with this one. the chapter construction is a bit rushed but the general feel is a "wow!" compared to the previous ones. i have to give you an applause; you really DID improve and i'm happy for you.
the sudden appearance of the vision/angel/apparition while Sam was groggy was the first indicator that this was a very far throw from the typical high-school drama, slice-of-life, prom-queens versus losers-and-wallflowers mood you've given us with the first. although not bad by themselves, they are probably eclipsed by the force that this latest chapter has exuded. you've managed to convey the radical turn of events from an ordinary life to a sudden worthy of a movie or a fantasy drama. i can safely say by now-this chapter ties the entire story so far together and here is the nexus, the turning point. excellent!
even with this vast improvement and advancement of the plot you still retain your humor, as in replacing the earphones of the teacher and laughing their asses off about it (and i was actually listening to THAT song just now). this is good as even with my stinging criticisms (i know i'm such a jerk when it comes to this, so elisefey smacks me around to give some humanity in my reviews, sorry) you still have your very own distinct style, and the story still hasn't lost its touch and flavor. if i may do so compare, this is like the Chrono series of RPGs of Squaresoft (now Square-Enix); Chrono Trigger was good, but the sequel Chrono Cross was much, much better and not so much continued the predecessor as expanded it. you did so successfully with the fourth chapter and it's amazing really how you've been able to transform reviews to your advantage. as a specific example, you even managed to put in more detail and elaboration!
i might add however that you can use the dash/line/divider thing (not sure what it's called ^^;;) while on the preview window of the document manager to separate events happening on another place/time. this will lessen the chances of some slow-minded readers (like me of course) backtracking as they were confused what had suddenly happened.
the winged things surprised me, a LOT, not because it was a very shocking turn of events or it was extremely original. i was actually hoping for a more unconventional treatment of what the thing on her back was so those expectations exploded right on my face. very nicely done, too; her shock was so like "ZOMGWTF is wrong with me?" that was to be expected of growing wings all of a sudden. however now that her little secret is exposed try to make some more hooks in this story so you can be assured of more speculation, more discussion, and more argument over this matter. the more of the three, the better.
i'm hooked as hell. please keep updating!
PS. my offer for being your proofreader/beta reader is still up for grabs. ^^ email me... i want to be able to share my experience (with what it is) with you and hopefully, correct mistakes that you might have overlooked.
9rvtolentino"I've become so numb..."
oh wait, i was writing a review.
*clears throat*
okay this is probably the best chapter you've written and nit-picking aside you have redeemed the fairly average first three chapters with this one. the chapter construction is a bit rushed but the general feel is a "wow!" compared to the previous ones. i have to give you an applause; you really DID improve and i'm happy for you.
the sudden appearance of the vision/angel/apparition while Sam was groggy was the first indicator that this was a very far throw from the typical high-school drama, slice-of-life, prom-queens versus losers-and-wallflowers mood you've given us with the first. although not bad by themselves, they are probably eclipsed by the force that this latest chapter has exuded. you've managed to convey the radical turn of events from an ordinary life to a sudden worthy of a movie or a fantasy drama. i can safely say by now-this chapter ties the entire story so far together and here is the nexus, the turning point. excellent!
even with this vast improvement and advancement of the plot you still retain your humor, as in replacing the earphones of the teacher and laughing their asses off about it (and i was actually listening to THAT song just now). this is good as even with my stinging criticisms (i know i'm such a jerk when it comes to this, so elisefey smacks me around to give some humanity in my reviews, sorry) you still have your very own distinct style, and the story still hasn't lost its touch and flavor. if i may do so compare, this is like the Chrono series of RPGs of Squaresoft (now Square-Enix); Chrono Trigger was good, but the sequel Chrono Cross was much, much better and not so much continued the predecessor as expanded it. you did so successfully with the fourth chapter and it's amazing really how you've been able to transform reviews to your advantage. as a specific example, you even managed to put in more detail and elaboration!
i might add however that you can use the dash/line/divider thing (not sure what it's called ^^;;) while on the preview window of the document manager to separate events happening on another place/time. this will lessen the chances of some slow-minded readers (like me of course) backtracking as they were confused what had suddenly happened.
the winged things surprised me, a LOT, not because it was a very shocking turn of events or it was extremely original. i was actually hoping for a more unconventional treatment of what the thing on her back was so those expectations exploded right on my face. very nicely done, too; her shock was so like "ZOMGWTF is wrong with me?" that was to be expected of growing wings all of a sudden. however now that her little secret is exposed try to make some more hooks in this story so you can be assured of more speculation, more discussion, and more argument over this matter. the more of the three, the better.
i'm hooked as hell. please keep updating!
PS. my offer for being your proofreader/beta reader is still up for grabs. ^^ email me... i want to be able to share my experience (with what it is) with you and hopefully, correct mistakes that you might have overlooked.
7/7/2006 c3 9rvtolentino
there's nothing much to be said on the fic, and although it has its own good points, this one leaves a very big room for improvement.
normally i would pass over the typos and grammatical errors, since most of them are unintended and mistakes of the "keyboard", but there are some here that does deserve some attention so you'd be able to work on them and correct them. i wouldn't enumerate them, because i believe that spotting them yourself is a sign of writing maturity-that, and rectifying them properly. this applies not only to grammatical errors and typos, but in the spelling and punctuation as well.
but on to the analysis of the work. it gives the impression of a regular, commonplace routine of a teenager-going to school, classes and being late, a crush at said school, social pressure and family problems. in short, the typical slice-of-life theme. however, it turns around when a mysterious "something" was on her back that doesn't appear to be going away soon (or being revealed soon, at that). the recurring dreams can also correspond to real-life tensions, but you are leading readers to believe that Sam's dreams and the thing on her back are related so i think it's something supernatural or of the sort. this is the greatest advantage you have in the fic, and one of the most challenging plot hooks i've read lately.(just make sure it's not anticlimactic when revealed, the common mistake of all those who use engaging plot hooks-just an advice, or it will place you in a real world of hurt.)
the story starts off quite slow, even with three chapters up already, but as i said before, the question, "what the heck is that THING on her back" keeps most of us going. there's still no identifiable plot, which is good or bad depending on how you look at it, and the chapters are short and seemed uninspired. the first chapter was the most exceptional of all, but the succeeding two weren't able to surpass the first one.
the cast is fairly good, but with only three short chapters only Samantha herself has the most character and definition-the rest, supporting roles. the execution (style) and your diction need some special tuning up, which i honestly believe that you can do. the stringing of thoughts are a bit vague, unless it comes from Sam.
i am still no judge, of course, because there is still no plot that i can see (or i'm going blind). until then, the real judgment would be withheld, and of course, to give you time to improve and enhance your writing skills.
i saw the reviews and one said that you'd need a proofreader. i have much free time, and email me if you need a beta reader to edit and polish your work before showing it to the reading public of Fiction Press. and yes, it's free. XD
go on writing and i will watch your progress, as i've added you to my author alert list and will review a thing of yours that comes my way. but of course, i need some compensation in return, in the form of a review of one of my works. ^_^
9rvtolentinothere's nothing much to be said on the fic, and although it has its own good points, this one leaves a very big room for improvement.
normally i would pass over the typos and grammatical errors, since most of them are unintended and mistakes of the "keyboard", but there are some here that does deserve some attention so you'd be able to work on them and correct them. i wouldn't enumerate them, because i believe that spotting them yourself is a sign of writing maturity-that, and rectifying them properly. this applies not only to grammatical errors and typos, but in the spelling and punctuation as well.
but on to the analysis of the work. it gives the impression of a regular, commonplace routine of a teenager-going to school, classes and being late, a crush at said school, social pressure and family problems. in short, the typical slice-of-life theme. however, it turns around when a mysterious "something" was on her back that doesn't appear to be going away soon (or being revealed soon, at that). the recurring dreams can also correspond to real-life tensions, but you are leading readers to believe that Sam's dreams and the thing on her back are related so i think it's something supernatural or of the sort. this is the greatest advantage you have in the fic, and one of the most challenging plot hooks i've read lately.(just make sure it's not anticlimactic when revealed, the common mistake of all those who use engaging plot hooks-just an advice, or it will place you in a real world of hurt.)
the story starts off quite slow, even with three chapters up already, but as i said before, the question, "what the heck is that THING on her back" keeps most of us going. there's still no identifiable plot, which is good or bad depending on how you look at it, and the chapters are short and seemed uninspired. the first chapter was the most exceptional of all, but the succeeding two weren't able to surpass the first one.
the cast is fairly good, but with only three short chapters only Samantha herself has the most character and definition-the rest, supporting roles. the execution (style) and your diction need some special tuning up, which i honestly believe that you can do. the stringing of thoughts are a bit vague, unless it comes from Sam.
i am still no judge, of course, because there is still no plot that i can see (or i'm going blind). until then, the real judgment would be withheld, and of course, to give you time to improve and enhance your writing skills.
i saw the reviews and one said that you'd need a proofreader. i have much free time, and email me if you need a beta reader to edit and polish your work before showing it to the reading public of Fiction Press. and yes, it's free. XD
go on writing and i will watch your progress, as i've added you to my author alert list and will review a thing of yours that comes my way. but of course, i need some compensation in return, in the form of a review of one of my works. ^_^
7/4/2006 c2 17Kinna
This chapter was rather short. Maybe next time you could make it a bit longer? I can see a few errors in grammer, but it's a good story and it seems like you know where you want to go with it. Keep it up!
17KinnaThis chapter was rather short. Maybe next time you could make it a bit longer? I can see a few errors in grammer, but it's a good story and it seems like you know where you want to go with it. Keep it up!
7/4/2006 c1 Kinna
A story about a slacker? That's neat. I'm glad that you don't have a problem with past/present tense, like most of the people on this site. Too many of your sentences start with the word "She". Maybe switch it around, and add a "Samantha" instead? The thing about Mary Adams was kind of random. Can't wait to find out what happens next...
A story about a slacker? That's neat. I'm glad that you don't have a problem with past/present tense, like most of the people on this site. Too many of your sentences start with the word "She". Maybe switch it around, and add a "Samantha" instead? The thing about Mary Adams was kind of random. Can't wait to find out what happens next...
7/3/2006 c2 12elisefey
This is an excellent beginning. You've introduced your main character and given me information about her that grabs my interest. I'm eager to know what's on her back that clearly is causing her pain. Your pacing for the story is fantastic. My only recommendation is in agreement with Eleyn that you find someone you trust with grammar to proof read for you. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammatical errors. Otherwise you have a naturally beautiful writing style and feel for the flow of the words! I look forward to reading more of this story. I want to find out what's happening!
12elisefeyThis is an excellent beginning. You've introduced your main character and given me information about her that grabs my interest. I'm eager to know what's on her back that clearly is causing her pain. Your pacing for the story is fantastic. My only recommendation is in agreement with Eleyn that you find someone you trust with grammar to proof read for you. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammatical errors. Otherwise you have a naturally beautiful writing style and feel for the flow of the words! I look forward to reading more of this story. I want to find out what's happening!