1/17/2007 c10 9rvtolentino
okay. i thought i was reading another story.

while the chapter itself was structured nicer than the previous updates in Crimson, this chapter seemed very much separate and disassociated with the rest of the story so far. your style and nuances in prose aside (which also deserved mention in the sense that they're vastly different from the first 9 chapters i've read), the mood and the apparent setting of this installment digressed so far from the fantasy core of the story that it seemed, as i said, reading another. i was like, "is this the same story?" or "did i miss anything?" because it possessed so much discontinuity. that only means one thing; a red light should be flashing in your head right now, signaling "uh-oh".

while it's already not a good idea to mix swords-and-sorcery fantasy with modern age technology, it was worse when you distinctly switched to an extremely contemporary language with terms like "blip", "radar", and "jet cruiser", plus the dialogue appeared to be ripped out of some fighter-pilot movie dripping with male hormones. this in itself is not bad, and genre-mixing is not bad either, but the execution was decidedly so. the abrupt end of the previous chapter added to the incredulous aura of this chapter too, with no foreseeable conclusion to what happened next and instead taking us readers to a whole new (and utterly mind-boggling) dimension. i do know that this chapter is the exposition of the hint of technological advancement mentioned in the very first part of this story, but the delivery of this seemed... very unnatural and forced.

the chapter, although that confusing at first, followed the groundworks of the fantasy world you've made in the prologue, with the mention of the Aesir and the Daim and other whatnot that were otherwise largely ignored during the previous chapters. this however added more to the 'discontinuity' effect i've mentioned earlier. this gave this story so far a feel of being seen through the author's eyes, as you appeared to give us select events and places in the world rather than a seamless experience through the denizens of that world themselves. in want of a good analogy, i think i'd put it on the same level as a "pop-up", a term in gaming in which faraway objects suddenly "pop up" in the screen as you move forward-which is, of course, not a good way of rendering graphics.

aside from that, some comments.

"...or the awe-inspiring Thyroids". lol. i was kinda awe-inspired by my imagination of large beasts with bulging throats.

"...hand-cannon, a single barreled beauty that could pump fifteen pound shells at a minimum velocity of two hundred meters per hour..." i think the description here lacks. if you were going to boast of a gun, you'd probably go first with RATE OF FIRE than projectile velocity (range goes next after ROF, but that's beside the point). in this case, "fifteen pound shells" were incomplete. was that "fifteen-pound shells", or "pound shells that number fifteen"? there's a missing hyphen here, and of course, the missing rate of fire-how many shells per minute? per second? per split-second?

"Wardens of the Silvermoon". reference to Warcraft?

that ends my review. i hope the next chapter won't be as disorienting, but what the heck, keep it up!

~DD

1/16/2007 c23 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya there! It's me again... well, guess I'm the first one to review this chapter lol! ^^ Anyway, I can really see in depth character development here. I think that's something I'm sorely lacking in my stories as of now. Anyway, that was a real twist for Maia's Order. Moral of the story: never judge a book by it's cover lol! Anyway, I guess the future of this story will be rather interesting. And the meeting between Apocalypse and Ares definitely threw in the shocker where twist of plot is concerned. I'd like to see what will come out of this in the future. Anyway, for your decision to revamp the story, have it your way. If you want to do that, no one can stop you. If there's anything I'll suggest, it's the area where the distribution of character development. From what I've seen in this version, you tend to focus much of the development on Ares and Maia. Try to branch out on that. Give at least some glimpse on the nature and past of other characters especially Hunter and Caine. I'm not saying that you must spoil the story by revealing too much, but just focus on some development on them. Not too much at this stage of time, but also not too less. Kirin, IMO, was rather ignored in terms of development although I can see for myself his own personal fling with the opposite sex. And also, try not to take things from the Bible directly and fit them into your story. It might give staunch Christian readers the impression that you're not taking the Bible seriously irregardless of your true intent. Try to play around with the words and logic in this area. Man, I've spoken so much... anyway, glad to see you updated. Till next time, bye! ^^

P.S: Elven Chronicles has been updated in case you don't know. Hope to see your review for that soon. And yeah, the main character has appeared! XD

Add P.S: Heard there's major flooding in Malaysia. Just wondering if you've got affected by that as well...

12/26/2006 c22 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya there! It's me again! ^^ Well, good to see you update on this one. For some funny reasons, I'm not receiving any fp alerts, so I'll have to go here directly to see for myself. Anyway, that was a kick ass fighting scene you've got here. I think I won't be able to do fighting scenes this long and exciting by my own estimation. Anyway, one CC I can give is that maybe you have have a certain category where the fire element is concerned. White flames are cool, but maybe you can add different colors for different level/nature. I do think bluish/purplish flames are cool given it's associated with all sorts of supernatural/psychic aspects. Black flames can be considered as well if I'm to say so since I remember reading the Samurai Deeper Kyo manga that black flames are the flames of hell, so maybe you can think about this. Well, I'd really like to look forward on how you'll shape Maia's character development. For Hellborne being too powerful, I'd say it might not be the case since there're demons on the higher tiering in this story if I remembet correctly, so basically, I won't have any problems with this. As for archaic speech, because I don't own a King James version of the Bible, I can't really say anything about it. Anyway, I think that it can help if you can do something about what Ares might be capable of without turning into Hellborne. After all, they did share the same body, right?

P.S: Finished the next chapter of COA. Just waiting for the alert system to be back up again; then I can upload it.

Add P.S: Congrats for Man Utd winning 3-1 against Wigan. Boro's brave goaless draw against Everton at away gotta be the best X'mas gift I can get from God since I don't really expect Boro to get anything out of this game due to their horrendous away record. One very funny thing I've found out on the 2-2 draw between Chelsea and Reading at Stamford Bridge is that Essien said that Chelsea will win the title by a five point margin, but in the end, he scored a freak own goal to screw the Blues. Pretty ironic if you asked me and a funy moment for me as well since I don't really go well with all the egoism in the Chelsea camp. XD Drogba saying he's the best in EPL is pure shit in my opinion since I can say Ronaldo is better than him. I'm totally not amused with his diving stunt against Boro that earned a stupid penalty though. _ Maybe he really ought to be shot where diving is concerned lol! XD

12/23/2006 c22 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
Wow. I love this chapter. Damn good seeing Blasphemy getting thrashed. But I was sort of hoping Ares/Hellborne was much stronger, 'coz he would probably be facing Lucifer and the other bosses soon...and well, isn't "thee" used to refer to "you"? Why does Hellborne sometimes use "thee" for "me"? Well, I'm not that knowledgable so just check it through. Well, I hope you maintain this kind of length, but no pressure there! Just write what you can! Well, I'm having writer's block now and half a mind to redevelop the plot for Darkblood so please don't expect any updates soon! Till then!

12/7/2006 c9 9rvtolentino
again, it's me. did you notice, i have a lot of time today? LOL.

i have to note the opening scene where Ares was catching the Raktor's attacks as if it was paper or something. if he was that powerful, he should've just killed the Raktor when that beast was spouting arrogant nonsense before, which would at least save people and the arena in the process. this is one of those times in anime that such a scene is a requisite just to show off the power of the main character, when in fact it's an illogical idea.

and as a matter of fact, Ares doesn't strike me as the show-off type. his character gives me the impression that he's more than likely to kill the Raktor in one swipe because he's a nuisance or something. besides, no matter how strong Ares is, letting an enemy live for too long, and someone who can wreak such level of destruction, is still dangerous. remember anime villains in their haughty arrogance. Ares won't fall for it, of course-he's the main character-but still, one thing leads to another and it gives me a wry grin whenever i see scenes like this.

"upcoming anticipated conflict". redundant.

"‘While the foe is indecisive and uncertain, strike him down!’" *nods* Raktor can give fighting lessons to Ares in this aspect.

"shell-shocked". shell-shock is a colloquial term for 'post traumatic stress'. i don't see how Kirin gained PTS at that time. remove 'shell' and make do with a simple 'shocked'.

"They are capable of anger". 'were'.

"fear is a forbidden emotion". 'was'.

"but that is unimportant". 'was'. again.

a few notes on this chapter. i was actually unimpressed by the notion of Earth Aspects, but when Raktor transformed to an Earth Elemental i admit my interest was perked up. although i was like, "okay..." when the Earth Elemental can still speak, when Maia was saying something like it couldn't think anymore and its last vestiges of humanity had been dissolved upon the Aspect's union with its element. the regenerative thing was kinda expected, including the five times power-up, but even with that, the fight was still disappointing.

don't get me wrong. the penning of the action was good, but Ares can own anyone at this point. i hope for more challenges in the future, because if you keep on doing it, there's no incentive on reading his fights because he can destroy anyone anyway. much like Kira Yamato in Seed Destiny.

i'll be back!

~DD

12/7/2006 c21 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Dude, you've updated! Well, first things first, badass fighting scene you've got there. And yeah, shapeshifter = stereotypical druid lol! Caine really reminds me of the druid class in Diablo... XD and yeah, one more thing, have Caine shapeshift into a wolf, PER-LEZ! It's very un-shapeshifter like if he can't shapeshift into a wolf. Wolves kick ass! w00t! Anyway, SPM over = insane updating lol! And yeah, like the interaction between Ares and Hellborne. That really seems interesting. I really wonder how the balance between the both of them will go... "I am also your worst enemy." Now that's a badass quote expected from someone like Hellborne. One CC I can offer to you though is that maybe you need to tweak the melee part of your fighting scenes. Your fighting scenes are awesome so far, but they were more based on magic than any other else, so I guess you can do well in having a shot at the pure melee at some point of time. One very good advice I can give to you is that play, or at least watch people playing fighting games. From the stunts pulled out by characters in 2-D fighting games to the technique of 3-D ones. The possibilities are boundless as long as you can imagine and visualize. If you've got a PS2 (which I assume you have since you're playing FFXII), try out the Tekken and Soul Calibur series for 3-D ones and Guilty Gear for 2-D. The former two can help you in the basic melee technique department and latter one can help you in both the movement and visual effects... also, you can take a leaf out of fighting manga as well to throw in the mix. That's what I experience with in COA fighting scenes and from the reviews I get, the results are pretty ok. Don't just limit your fighting scene inspiration to FF (which is what I guessed you got for your fighting scenario inspirations). Try a pure fighting oriented game to explore the possibilities... man, I guess I've talked too much here... anyway, thanks for your reviews all the while and yeah, Wolfblood is in the process of having the latest chapter written plus I plan to update COA and Elven Chronicles as well soon... just dunno whether I'll slack off just like all the while in the past...

11/30/2006 c2 3Madness-Soldier
Nice chapter my friend, and thanks for the review on Guilty Act but just to let you know Erin in my story is twenty-one, but you couldn't have known that since I do say there ages. But believe me, she's legal! Anyway, very interesting characters and keep it up.