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7/4/2006 c1 2Ellesmere
Hm...sounds like someone we know huh? Maybe not but it kinda feels like it. I like it though and agree with everyline as this piece seems to fit one very true experience in my life. True, short, sweet, and to the point, not to mention well written.

~Ellesmere~
7/4/2006 c1 58EyesAreTheWindowsToTheSoul
that's beautiful...i don't know what else to say except keep writing...
7/3/2006 c1 236mezzie
i have looked over several of your works already, and you have great insight. i have some recommendations that may help, but don't feel any obligation to take them, as your work is ultimately your own.

the double spaces between your lines serve no purpose. if you're only using them because that is how they upload from your computer then i can help with that - after you've uploaded your poem and are doing quickedit/preview, redo all your regular line spacings using 'shift+enter', instead of using just 'enter'. save after that. this will give you single spacing when you post the poem.

remember to give your grammar a look over, not because it is bad, but because you want to catch possible errors, since these often distract a reader from what you are really trying to say (example, in this piece 'to' should be 'too')

also, take a closer look at where you break your lines. you generally make them very short in most of your work. instead of cutting off the thought to go to the next line, you might want to try following a more natural flow in your lines. if you're not sure where the flow is, try reading the poem out loud, and listen for where you naturally pause. just to use it as an example, this is where i find natural pausings here in your very thoughtful piece, which is very good btw:

too many broken hearts in this uncaring worldhappy lives a raritylike royalty to peasants of painliving off their table scraps of joyuntil they break and rebelusually hurting only themselves

*that is only for example, please don't rearrange it!sorry i talked so much, it is only because i think you have great potential : ) i will be sure to keep looking at your poems : )

mezzie
7/3/2006 c1 39forgottenxxfreak
very true very true..well done :) thanks for you review
7/3/2006 c1 81Princess-anna57
Good job, well done! Write on!

~Anna~
7/3/2006 c1 71MidnightStar005
This is so true. I love it like always.

Cheers !

:)

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