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7/4/2006 c1 17Kinna
This was interesting, and I love the firstt sentence, it really drew my right into the story.

However, there were some problems with past and present tense. I think you were trying to put the whole story in present tense, which can work really well, except it is usually very hard to do. The tense in the story kept switching, for example...

"I lowered my head a bit and felt my eyes burn." This is past tense.

"We’re playing soccer." This is present tense.

It might be better to go over the story and put it in past tense, because it is easier to do.

Also in this sentence... "I was lying in the crispy, hard sheets of the hospital beds and the smell of medicine filled my nose." You probably meant crisp, not crispy. Crispy tends to be used for things like, the crispy burnt toast.

In the end, I liked the main characters name a lot, but I thought that her realization happened fast, but then again it is a short story. I loved how you used the soccer in the end, and the last two sentences were excellent.

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