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for Grandmother Fireside Tales

3/7/2008 c1 8Written
what a beautifully told story! I really enjoyed it. You've really made the storytellers voice come to life, which was great.

and what an imagination you have :)
5/6/2007 c1 6InkyPink
Very unique; and you've emulated the style of an old story-teller perfectly. I hope you continue this!
2/24/2007 c1 8Ofir

You write well, but I don't like your story-telling here because I feel like you are trying to tell the story, but putting random lines in to make it seem like a grandmother's tale. You need to add more details. You need to make it seem more like a child's tale. It seems like you are trying to make it sophisticated, but putting in silly random anecdotes that only make the story seem amateurly told.

If you could work a lot more on the grandmotherly spin of the story, that would be great.
9/11/2006 c1 15TwinDeath
what a well done fable! this is a great twist, combining christian (holy grail), and norse and hindu (world tree) elements. keep up the good work!

live forever, or die trying!

(Would you R&R "A Mercenary's Tale", please? I'd like to know what you think of it.)
8/29/2006 c1 3Mischaw
Dude, this is awesome. I like how the grandmother is telling it, and how you have her speech patterns and stuff. You are a cool writer. Is Zanyuki your real name or a pen name? Either way it's cool. Keep writing your awesome stuff, man!
8/24/2006 c1 Sapphire Spectrum
I loved it! The piece was really well done, simplified enough for children to understand, but complex enough for adults to appreciate. And the whole idea of having trees was also great, a really original idea.

Secondly - thank you so much for reviewing my story! I really appreciate getting constructive critisism, becayse for me it shows that people actually care enough to try to help me improve my work. I know - I'm the Queen of Typos and I have such a problem with going back and checking my work, and thank you for the suggestions, so that was great help!

Thirdly - just a few suggestions for your work (I'll return the favour :P).

'not even carpets, paintings, and stairs?' - this in the first paragraph was really good, because it engaged with the audience, but wouldn't it be better as 'carpets, paintings, OR stairs?' ? (BTW you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to because I have tendencies to talk crap in the morning, and it's currently before nine... :P)

'and giggling with joy whenever they succeed' - I think that this would work better without the 'and', or else replaced with 'and they giggled', for a better flow?

But thank you! This was a great piece and I really appreciate everything you told me, and hope you enjoy the rest of the fic! I'll try and go back sometime soon and work through your suggestions :P
8/23/2006 c1 97rust phoenix
I like this, it's a very creative idea. Writing your own mythology is always fun. The idea of using trees for gods was interesting, I don't think I've ever seen that done before (although I have seen trees with important roles in real mythology quite frequently). It would have been nice to have some background information on where the trees came from, even just a sentence or two. Also, in the third paragraph from the bottom, the word "methinks" seemed kind of out of place because the rest of the dialogue was more casual (e.g. "Don't you see it?" instead of "Do you not see it?" or even "Dost thou not see it?"). Personally, I liked the casual dialogue the trees used. If it's a myth passed down by only spoken word, the dialogue would sound like people normally talked at the time the story is being told.

Overall, this is a very cool myth with original ideas. I also liked the character names. Keep writing!
8/20/2006 c1 50Kristina Suko
Very cute. I liked that it did seem to be being told by a grandmother- the writing style made it easy for me to picture her surrounded by children, weaving a tale.

The beginning did fail to capture my attention. The first two paragraphs were... well, the only word I can think of to describe them is "eh..." but if they were a bit more condensed, and a few of the sentences cut, they would be better.

The rest of the story was, as I said, cute. Ormus' scheming to get Anima to make something out of nothing was good for a chuckle, and the overal tale made me smile. =D

Maranwe Telrunya
8/20/2006 c1 11Riley Kathleen
First, thank you for the reweiw. I know there are mistakes, however, I have yet to get around to fixing them. I appreciate you telling me my mistakes, but the way you told me was somewhat distasteful. It would have pleased me more if you hadn't told me where I went wrong AND how to fix it with definitions of words I learned many years ago. Though perhaps you figured I was just another young person who doesn't know much about words and what they are. I am young, but I'm very knowledgable when it comes to things such as the written language.

Next, there are a few mistakes here."But of course, they loved each other, although they fight with words, but they couldn't be together because if they move from their place their house would crumble." Raher much of a run-on sentence, if you read aloud.

"Ormus let his hands fall; there was no really no chalice at all." The end needs a bit of revising, I think you'll see.

"It would hold all the other things, make them grow, something that has a life of itself. Something that would be, they decided, would entertain them and please them." It sounds fine with the right pauses, but the way it's written doesn't have the correct pauses needed.Lastly, this is an interesting story. It has an odd feel about it though, and the end and beginning are told in an odd way. However, it helps to give the story more "personality."

-Winter Flurry
8/18/2006 c1 7Noihseret
this is really cool! you have such a great imagination. ^^ I hope you continue this. you've got a reviewer right here!
8/13/2006 c1 12Lccorp2

-Why do trees have arms? The thought boggles the mind...0o And saliva, and hair, and blah blah blah...

-Animus must be really simple-minded, to put it nicely. And he contradicts himself. Oh well.

-Some tense flips, using present tense instead of past...

-How the heck does Ormus know all this stuff? I mean, everything he's ever done before has failed, and even if it was because he didn't have enough power, he doesn't exactly have any working evidence of "this is the way to make something." It's like a scientist randomly doing stuff and declaring that "this is the method of teleporting things, it's just that I don't have the energy needed." and actually turning out to be right.

It's just...blah.

Given the short nature of this story, there's not much material for a long rant...
8/6/2006 c1 6January Gray
Ha! This is cool! You seem to have a very thorough understanding of this fantastical world you have created and that's really awesome. I love mythology and folklore and one of my favorite books from childhood is a book full of Native American legends and this one would fit right into that. Your imagery is always a bit abstract which I think lends to both the reality and the surreal aspects of this myth. I also like that it is a narrated tale and that you truly make it seem so. I hope you eventually write more of these!

8/4/2006 c1 Kitsune Boy
I have to say, even though this was short, I loved it. After all quality is more important than quantity. I hope you write more of these tales.It's a story that will stay in my head. I loved the idea of the trees being the pilars of a house of nothing and that the world that was a chalice created from saliva, a strand of his hair, his breath, perspiration, and some other things.Thanks for giving me something great to read.
7/19/2006 c1 9winged chronos
Very creative. The title made me smile, so I checked this story out. :) Nice way to start the world - with a chalice! ^^ Much prettier than a lot of the other versions of the Creation of the World. And, despite a lot of the abstract imagery, this legend was a lot easier to picture in my mind. I like the concept of the grandmother telling the children, not only for the mood of the story but also for how the grandmother is sort of obligated to make incredibly intangible concepts understandable to children. For example:

"Chaos was a big black house, and there was nothing in it. Can you imagine, children, a very big palace with absolutely nothing inside-not even carpets, paintings, and stairs?"

Very helpful.

Your style of writing is good. Clean, neat grammar and punctuation. This story was just like a legend so I wouldn't be able to comment on your storytelling skills if not for your other story, The Second Eden. I was planning on reviewing that, but I saw that it was dropped. T_T Very dramatic, that piece. Well-written. You know how to spin a yarn. :-)

Good luck with your future works!

7/17/2006 c1 Arhifa
it's not bad , but it isnnt brilliant either. needs more..spunk?...to it.
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