for The Legion8/25/2006 c1 Tantegel
Your beginning is painfully weak. The first sentence, short and passive, doesn't make much sense. The second sentence is an awkwardly worded run-on with glaring grammatical errors.
The idea is adequate, but the execution is lacking. My suggestion? Heavily edit the mechanics on this piece. It will make a world of difference.
Your beginning is painfully weak. The first sentence, short and passive, doesn't make much sense. The second sentence is an awkwardly worded run-on with glaring grammatical errors.
The idea is adequate, but the execution is lacking. My suggestion? Heavily edit the mechanics on this piece. It will make a world of difference.
8/13/2006 c1 Claire
The idea was really clever, but I must admit I skipped along rather merrily. Perhaps you should be careful of too many "pretty" words that make the prose heavier, when they're not plainly out of place - "hallucination yellow" almost turned me off the ficlet entirely, and "receptacle for heat" is... just weird, and that's not even the full first two sentences. When every word in one sentence has a "special" meaning and isn't common use, people have to stop, and think, until they figure it out, and that's really not a good way to drag them into the plot; in fact it often seems a little as if the author is more concerned with showing off their thesaurus than with creating an interesting atmosphere.Also maybe breaking up the bigger paragraphs into smaller chunks, and the run-on sentences into smaller bits, would help the reader; it's a lot of work for the eyes otherwise, and you end up at the end of a sentence not remembering how it started.
But like I said, clever idea, and the settings are interesting. With a little work this could be an excellent one-shot.
The idea was really clever, but I must admit I skipped along rather merrily. Perhaps you should be careful of too many "pretty" words that make the prose heavier, when they're not plainly out of place - "hallucination yellow" almost turned me off the ficlet entirely, and "receptacle for heat" is... just weird, and that's not even the full first two sentences. When every word in one sentence has a "special" meaning and isn't common use, people have to stop, and think, until they figure it out, and that's really not a good way to drag them into the plot; in fact it often seems a little as if the author is more concerned with showing off their thesaurus than with creating an interesting atmosphere.Also maybe breaking up the bigger paragraphs into smaller chunks, and the run-on sentences into smaller bits, would help the reader; it's a lot of work for the eyes otherwise, and you end up at the end of a sentence not remembering how it started.
But like I said, clever idea, and the settings are interesting. With a little work this could be an excellent one-shot.
7/8/2006 c1 Sir Scott
Your story is different. A western with a dragon is an interesting idea. Keep Writing.
Wishing You Good Health And Plenty Of Wealth, ~SirScott~
Your story is different. A western with a dragon is an interesting idea. Keep Writing.
Wishing You Good Health And Plenty Of Wealth, ~SirScott~