for Dust7/11/2006 c1 With Rhyme and Reason
Hm... I would've liked it more if you would've ended with: "And the dust / clouds / my / eyes". It's much more dramatic and would conclude the poem with a theatric punch. I can almost see a tragic actor clutching his chest and falling to his knees: "Ah, God! And the dust... clouds... my... eyes!" But no; you go on.
The poem is a little too lengthy for its subject matter. I see it's kind of diary-esque-kind of "Oh, why does my love life suck?". But you do maintain a certain sense of originality with your dust theme. Dust can cloud judgment, too, don't you think?
Decent poem... it could be better. :)
J
Hm... I would've liked it more if you would've ended with: "And the dust / clouds / my / eyes". It's much more dramatic and would conclude the poem with a theatric punch. I can almost see a tragic actor clutching his chest and falling to his knees: "Ah, God! And the dust... clouds... my... eyes!" But no; you go on.
The poem is a little too lengthy for its subject matter. I see it's kind of diary-esque-kind of "Oh, why does my love life suck?". But you do maintain a certain sense of originality with your dust theme. Dust can cloud judgment, too, don't you think?
Decent poem... it could be better. :)
J
7/10/2006 c1 darkdemonsunday too lazy to login
um... yay? No, really, this was good. Very... tragic. I give up! Loved it, very different from your trilogy.
Speaking of that...
um... yay? No, really, this was good. Very... tragic. I give up! Loved it, very different from your trilogy.
Speaking of that...
7/10/2006 c1 
36Louis Xavier
A sad feeling poem. I feel bad anyone could feel like this, though I too have felt much the same. This is very well done. Excellent job!
-LX
36Louis XavierA sad feeling poem. I feel bad anyone could feel like this, though I too have felt much the same. This is very well done. Excellent job!
-LX