7/16/2006 c1 24she's not breathing
i meant that, while i love your imagery to pieces, i find it's really fragmented. you seem to leap from image to image, & though i'm sure there's a connection in your mind - i don't think any reader can follow. & yeah, poetry should really be for the writer, but it should connect to the audience too.

this poem doesn't do it quite so much. you use the images of a dead santa claus & nursey rhymes to prove your point in the poem. in other poems, not just "lobotomy", i found the images didn't join together in the poem but rather were scattered & confusing. i was just suggesting you try to find a little more unity within your metaphors. i totally understand if it's all personal or intentional, & i like using disjointed imagery myself. but i've been slapped on the hand for it, so i'm just pointing out you do risk driving away a reader if they can't at least half-grasp what your imagery is showing.

hope that was a little more clear. in any case, i really like this poem. the ending is a little abrupt, but you make a really good point. & using santa claus in your summary like that is nothing if not original.

~kait