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7/19/2010 c1 4lookingwest
His breath came in hoarse, short gasps. His legs felt like they were on fire.

-Edit: this line was formatted weird, just pointing it out, I think it needs to be in its own paragraph-nothing wrong with the writing though ;)

Failing…Patrick was failing his wife.

-Edit: same format thing as above

...in the forest that he had no recollection of.

-Style edit: "...in the forest of which he had no recollection."

...Patrick noticed how stiff the Banshee had gotten as soon as...

-Style edit: just to get rid of "gotten", would suggest "became"

"So…if you save Catherine you get my soul to serve you when I die?" Death nodded. "For how long?"

-Style edit: I'd suggest making "dead nodded" its own paragraph because it's an action that almost indicates a dialogue, and then the "for how long" in a new paragraph after "dead nodded."

...he heard Death say.

-Style edit: "Dead said."

His body was right there in front of him. The lifeless odor hung in the air…

-Edit: this was formatted weird, should be in its own paragraph

-I find the description of the "lifeless odor" a little too premature...I wouldn't think that a body that just died would have an odor...I'm not sure how long it takes for riga mortis (totally spelled wrong) to set in though, without medications...yeah actually I have no idea, XD

Patrick's mind was reeling. "What is this? Why am I dead, in this body?" He darted around the meadow in an insane attempt to outrun the horrid stink.

-Edit: should be new paragraph

...into Patrick's overwhelmed brain.

-Style edit: "thoughts" instead of "brain"

At the beginning I was a little confused as to why you've got in italics because it *isn't* a dream, though it did provide a nice little summary or something like a segway, I could see how something like that would work in a film, XD, so I received an eerie vibe that by the time you got to the simple paragraph "running" was very direct and almost like a cut-to scene. For literary purposes I didn't entirely get the italics though.

You did a good job introducing the setting right away, and your descriptions were vivid, I didn't have any problem with visualizing anything or the positions of the characters in the setting either. I liked that you kept the setting simple too-the whole piece only involves about 3 characters, 4 if we want to count the mention of Catherine of course, but that's still very basic and simple with the one setting-you were really able to do wonders with it!

The story was definitley driven by the strong characters you presented, the strongest of which were Death and Patrick. I loved your description of Death, first of all, and his changing face, it definitley gave me the creeps yet I also found it extremely creative. I've never read of a description of death like that before, and you managed to make it poetic as well. Patrick was basic-though you didn't go into a lot of detail about the description of his character, I did feel that he was your everyday man. I remember you focused on hands too-and with your last piece I read with your focus on the hand descriptions that definitley stuck out to me as well.

The Banshee topic also careened into an area I've never read anything about-it was so unique! I didn't expect her to be physically included, if that makes any sense, but having that visual of her coupled with that rhyme was also chilling. Did you come up with that rhyme on your own? I know almost nothing about the mythology of the banshee other than what I know from a Charmed episode way back, XD. It's definitley one of those lesser written creatures-and you have such a wonderful way of capturing those unique Supernatural twists. Necromancers, Death, Banshees, hounds of hell-I can only imagine what the rest of your pieces explore o.O

If there was one thing that I didn't exactly feel invested in, it was feelings for Catherine in relation to Patrick. Since I didn't actually meet her as a character, I didn't really care much that she was dying, and I didn't get a good sense of her dying either. I know you mention it but I only remember vividly the description of her having a fever. That stuck out to me-then again, this is a short story so I wouldn't expect you to go into a whole description about her either, just saying that was the character I felt the least for.

It's always hard for me to feel attached to characters in a short story, and mid-way through after he makes the deal with Death and sees his dead body, I didn't exactly feel bad for Patrick, so I thought I'd mention my initial feelings-but you were really able to change that through the twists. I felt through foreshadow that you were definitley exploring something darker with Patrick's character and his deal with Death, but I absolutely loved the twist with the hound thing-I didn't see that coming at all! The twist at the end worked well for me and I didn't expect that hand the banshee played in it either, it was some sort of consolation for me to know that the two related to one another, but I didn't believe for one second that Death would ever let them go-so it saddened me that her and Pat-Trick, are stuck there for eternity. That's a long, bone-chilling time o.o

The change from Patrick to Trick was also well adjusted and a good solid transformation into his hound form. Trick-that sounds like a cute name for a dog too-yikes, I'd have to think twice about a dog named Trick for sure o.O
7/17/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
Hey, Aluco. :)

I thought that this was a very well written story. I could tell that you were proud of this story, and the words flowed easily when you wrote it. :)

Overall, I loved the descriptions, and the tone of the story. It's a little sarcastic, and very tragic. :P I quite enjoy these types of stories. :)

Your story reminds me of some fable or story of somekind, but I can't remember it right now... The feeling of it, and the characters seem familiar to me, for some reason. :P

I liked the twist on how the Banshee was crying for him, and it really was all a trick. I thought it was clever that the character's name was "Patrick," and it was his fate to be tricked. :)

Great job on this!

P.S. I love that Stargate quote, too! :D Meridian is such a sad episode... I cry every time I watch it. :P

~Avid, via the Roadhouse/Gossip. :) Repaying reviews. 1/1. :)
2/20/2007 c1 shadowpreistess
Hey I like this one better than the other one when is the next one coming out?
7/22/2006 c1 WriterOfRants
Very nice. I never read that before but it was really good. Congrats to you!
7/21/2006 c1 Awa

7/18/2006 c1 Winter Snowflake
Wow, that was good. As to spelling mistakes, I didn't see any, which is a good thing.

Really enjoyed this

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