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for Unborn Joy

1/3/2009 c5 9Narq
Ha, finished all five chapters~ Can't wait to read more! update!

1/3/2009 c2 Narq
hi, nice story, but something I wanted to point out. You wrote: "Getting ready for your close up?"/Amara swiveled aruond, recognizing the voice instantly./“What … what are you doing here?” she asked, her mouth dropping open in shock.

I think you could swap places, ie, Her mouth dropped open in shock. “What … what are you doing here?”

It's just a personal feeling :D

3/16/2007 c1 2OrientalFlower
"Being 22, the editors thought her young and not mature enough to consult about anything actually regarding the magazine."

This is so true when you are young in a job and no one else is! I really like this so far, and your attention to detail is great.
2/27/2007 c1 Titilope
I think it could be a triology or at least have a sequel. Especially with a title like Unborn Joy. They can all have the word Joy in it or something.
1/23/2007 c5 T DoG Teedle Dee Do
Beginning... you say she's thinking of the good and the bad... but are there any memories that stand out the most? Good ones that might make her more apt to give him a second chance, or a bad one that might put her guard up more?

Good memory with the botanical gardens, that went off really well, and I enjoyed it. Next paragraph you have a slight typo when you say he "convinced her to room the city"... pretty sure you meant "roam". I think you did an EXCELLENT job on the paragraphs after the botanical garden memory... they just seemed to flow a lot better for me than the first time around. I think you edited it nicely.

Last sentence leaves me with an "eh" feeling. Sorta wanted a little bit more... also "lay, laid"... I never get this right I think... but "lay" doesn't seem right. What do you think?

Good job!
1/16/2007 c5 Jahree Saturn
great imagery...i feel like im right there. im looking forward to the next chapter!
1/15/2007 c5 1Tatiana Moore
I think the strongest paragraphs in this chapter are the description of the garden (great job, kudos) and the following paragraph where she thinks about James.

I think I'd like to see a little more of their past relationship, the hurt she's gone through, etc. At one point you say "Her mind flew quickly back to james" and I was left wondering what had sparked this change of though... I figured it had to do with how romantic the garden was, but why... did he take her to another garden? Maybe she's reminded of the first time he said I love you, or the first time she thought he meant it, or something... I don't know, I just thought it needed a little more there.

I suppose for this chapter (throughout) I'd like a little more about Amara and James past relationship. I want to actually "feel" her hesitation and uncertainty about why he's back in her life and whether or not that's a good think or a bad thing. As of now, I'm not really sure if his return is good or bad. I don't know if that made any sense... I hope so.

Keep writing... this chapter was short and sweet, very good writing (like always), just a few little typos that I noticed too. Good job, Honey B!
12/5/2006 c4 NO LONGER USING
This is beautifully written. I love how you've developed your characters. They're very realistic and natural. The dialogue was smooth and easy to understand as well. Nice job on that. I also loved your descriptive words thrown around in here. It makes the scene more real to me. And I love when authors write like that. Hmm...I don't know about James. He doesn't seem that sincere to me. And he seems to be builidng up Amara's (beautiful name) hopes just for the moment. But, anyway, time will tell. Nice work!


P.S. I've written a new story, "Daddy's Baby Girl" And I love for you to read the first chapter and give me some solid feedback, since that's the type of reader you are lol. Anyway when you get a moment, feel free to read it, and give a hard critique. Thanks!
11/2/2006 c4 Tatiana Moore
And you're back to posting new stuff... yay! :)

Did you do research about New York for this? You seem very knowledgeable... hook me up with some references! :)

Great chapter! I'm wondering if James is really sincere about all of this. Seems shady to me... I think stasi needs to speak up once Amara tells her about it. I know I'd want my friend to give it to me straight.

Post soon. :)
11/2/2006 c3 Tatiana Moore
Okay... don't like James so much now. :c|

Nothiced that two paragraphs were stuck together toward the end...

Also, I liked your transition from the flashback, which was very informative, to the present. I really believed that she had deep feelings for him. Why are guys stupid sometimes?

Good chapter.
11/2/2006 c2 Tatiana Moore
I think I would have liked a little more from Amara and Stasi as they get her dressed for her wedding. Maybe a little about how Amara was feeling... I mean, she's got a bad job and now her best friend is getting married and probably won't be around a lot now. Or maybe that comes out later... let me keep reading...

What type of chaso usually happens at African weddings... I think it would be good (and interesting) to explain. WOW 10 people? I've never been to a wedding that big. I think it would be exhausting...

O James. :)
11/2/2006 c1 Tatiana Moore
Gotta check the fine print on those editorial assistant jobs huh? Poor Amara... I know I'd be going crazy stuck in some dead-end non-learning atmosphere as the equivalent of a coffee runner.

Great writing. I saw a few little typos here and there, but nothing big. On to chapter two...
10/7/2006 c3 2Dawn Castle
I am very interested in your story. I hope you continue writing soon!
8/9/2006 c3 NO LONGER USING
great description! I can really see what the characters look like and that helps in understanding them. Good job! Keep up the good work.
8/9/2006 c2 NO LONGER USING
ooh a cliffhanger...well sortta. I'm heading to read more, wonder what's going to happen.
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