for Nolix : Uul2/12/2010 c6 Elber of Torou
This is very enjoyable. I am liking the humour and character interactions, and the typical-but extremely likeable-plot. Overall, a very light, entertaining read. I hope you put more of it up before I get that far.
P.S.
Do I detect a rather definite anime/manga influence?
This is very enjoyable. I am liking the humour and character interactions, and the typical-but extremely likeable-plot. Overall, a very light, entertaining read. I hope you put more of it up before I get that far.
P.S.
Do I detect a rather definite anime/manga influence?
1/27/2008 c6 CandleQueen
Wow... you finally updated! Bout damn time! *pouts* This chapter literally had me laughing out loud, and the length was rather enjoyable. It's going on my favorites.
Update soon!
Son!
-Ramen
Wow... you finally updated! Bout damn time! *pouts* This chapter literally had me laughing out loud, and the length was rather enjoyable. It's going on my favorites.
Update soon!
Son!
-Ramen
7/11/2007 c5 
2CrypticIdentity
I am so sorry I haven't been reviewing, guys. Allow me to compensate with a review now.
I think I've said this before, but you guys write really awesome dialogue. It's probably what I look forward to most when reading this.
I recognize the majority of the trials from the original story, revamped with a bit more detail.
The angel was a nice touch. I especially liked this line:
"A thought struck Akali. 'This is kind of hard to phrase,' she said. 'But, did you appear because I prayed, or because I believed? I mean, did you appear entirely because of Zel’s will, or because I thought of it?'
'I don’t know,' said the angel."
I dunno why; I think it's because it's a very valid question, and you leave it open ended. I've started liking ambiguous endings more lately.
Considering the knowledge the angel gave Akali, I'm guessing she'll be a little more prepared for danger in the future. And Janaka, too, will be more prepared, in a roundabout way.
Keep it up, guys; sorry again for not reviewing. ^^;
2CrypticIdentityI am so sorry I haven't been reviewing, guys. Allow me to compensate with a review now.
I think I've said this before, but you guys write really awesome dialogue. It's probably what I look forward to most when reading this.
I recognize the majority of the trials from the original story, revamped with a bit more detail.
The angel was a nice touch. I especially liked this line:
"A thought struck Akali. 'This is kind of hard to phrase,' she said. 'But, did you appear because I prayed, or because I believed? I mean, did you appear entirely because of Zel’s will, or because I thought of it?'
'I don’t know,' said the angel."
I dunno why; I think it's because it's a very valid question, and you leave it open ended. I've started liking ambiguous endings more lately.
Considering the knowledge the angel gave Akali, I'm guessing she'll be a little more prepared for danger in the future. And Janaka, too, will be more prepared, in a roundabout way.
Keep it up, guys; sorry again for not reviewing. ^^;
7/6/2007 c5 6bookface31
Amazing as per usual. Sorry I haven't been reviewing...my computer was busted then I ended up getting a new one! But, well, as I said before..AMAZING. The hilariousity (not a word) is still there even when you add more action to your story..which is something that's REALLY hard to do. PLEASE write more! I love this story SO much and am adding something about it in my profile. Check it out! Peace!
-bookface31-
6bookface31Amazing as per usual. Sorry I haven't been reviewing...my computer was busted then I ended up getting a new one! But, well, as I said before..AMAZING. The hilariousity (not a word) is still there even when you add more action to your story..which is something that's REALLY hard to do. PLEASE write more! I love this story SO much and am adding something about it in my profile. Check it out! Peace!
-bookface31-
6/24/2007 c5 CandleQueen
Okay, I read your whole story.*pant* You write really long chapters. Honestly, I just spent three hours of the better portion of my life reading this. But it was worth it. I like your sense of humor. But it's kinda perverse. Maybe that says something about you...lol. Anyway, the only mistakes I found were spelling errors. Otherwise, it's excellent. Please review my story later. I should have another chapter up by tonight or tommorow. I'm looking forward to your imput. Oh yah, and Daku is easily my favorite character.
Okay, I read your whole story.*pant* You write really long chapters. Honestly, I just spent three hours of the better portion of my life reading this. But it was worth it. I like your sense of humor. But it's kinda perverse. Maybe that says something about you...lol. Anyway, the only mistakes I found were spelling errors. Otherwise, it's excellent. Please review my story later. I should have another chapter up by tonight or tommorow. I'm looking forward to your imput. Oh yah, and Daku is easily my favorite character.
6/11/2007 c1 CandleQueen
I thought it was so funny when he kept interrupting him with the clang,clang,clangs. But since I'm to lazy to write anything else, and because I'm dead tired from working on my manga(glowing with pride to see it comming all together) I'll just end by saying I'll read the rest later today. I promise to review.
I thought it was so funny when he kept interrupting him with the clang,clang,clangs. But since I'm to lazy to write anything else, and because I'm dead tired from working on my manga(glowing with pride to see it comming all together) I'll just end by saying I'll read the rest later today. I promise to review.
12/18/2006 c3 2CrypticIdentity
NICE. Sorry I didn't review earlier; life's been...hectic.
Anyway. AWESOME chapter. Your style sort of reminds me of Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy and Firefly/Serenity). That whole conversation about sex... I was DYING. Seriously, I KNOW people who would totally say "Your MOM's never had sex!" and then would take a moment to realize what they said.
The Janaka dream sequence pretty much rocked. At first I was confused, but then, it's a dream, and the way you wrote it is actually really accurate for a dream. And the ending was perfect.
Sorry again for not reviewing earlier. Keep it up, guys!
-CI
2CrypticIdentityNICE. Sorry I didn't review earlier; life's been...hectic.
Anyway. AWESOME chapter. Your style sort of reminds me of Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy and Firefly/Serenity). That whole conversation about sex... I was DYING. Seriously, I KNOW people who would totally say "Your MOM's never had sex!" and then would take a moment to realize what they said.
The Janaka dream sequence pretty much rocked. At first I was confused, but then, it's a dream, and the way you wrote it is actually really accurate for a dream. And the ending was perfect.
Sorry again for not reviewing earlier. Keep it up, guys!
-CI
10/25/2006 c3 6bookface31
Wow...I have a lot to say about this chapter.
First off, it was amazing, and I've been waiting so LONG to read this. You have no idea! I'm in love with your writing...in a strictly platonic way, of course.
I thought it was a good idea to have the group tell stories, so the reader, i.e. me, could get to know them better. Good move by you.
Daku's amazing. And I'm always open for a good sex joke. I found that part hilarious (when they were talking about sex...I'm not a pervert, I just think it's awkward stuff. And that's funny).
I feel SO bad for Janaka and his little brother, mainly because the relationship between brothers is adorable to me!
This is so amazing, and by no means were you bothering me when you told me by e-mail that you had a new chapter. You were doing me a favor, don't worry! I LOVE this story!
I can only hope I don't have to wait that long again for the next chapter...but it's definately worth the wait, you're an amazing author! And I know you said you were co-writing this, so you're both amazing!
Please update as soon as you can, I understand it's hard with school and all...life...it sucks, huh?
I LOVE THIS STORY
-bOOkface31-
6bookface31Wow...I have a lot to say about this chapter.
First off, it was amazing, and I've been waiting so LONG to read this. You have no idea! I'm in love with your writing...in a strictly platonic way, of course.
I thought it was a good idea to have the group tell stories, so the reader, i.e. me, could get to know them better. Good move by you.
Daku's amazing. And I'm always open for a good sex joke. I found that part hilarious (when they were talking about sex...I'm not a pervert, I just think it's awkward stuff. And that's funny).
I feel SO bad for Janaka and his little brother, mainly because the relationship between brothers is adorable to me!
This is so amazing, and by no means were you bothering me when you told me by e-mail that you had a new chapter. You were doing me a favor, don't worry! I LOVE this story!
I can only hope I don't have to wait that long again for the next chapter...but it's definately worth the wait, you're an amazing author! And I know you said you were co-writing this, so you're both amazing!
Please update as soon as you can, I understand it's hard with school and all...life...it sucks, huh?
I LOVE THIS STORY
-bOOkface31-
10/24/2006 c1 1MyNameIsMad
Good so far. Good description, good grammar. Everything seems to move just a little too fast, though. You started out well enough, and I thoroughly enjoyed Daku's little display, but then everything started happening all at once. I suppose you may have wanted everything to happen all at once, but you could try to put a bit 'more' description about everything that 'is' happening at once. Ah well. Still very good. Keep up the good work!
-Mad
1MyNameIsMadGood so far. Good description, good grammar. Everything seems to move just a little too fast, though. You started out well enough, and I thoroughly enjoyed Daku's little display, but then everything started happening all at once. I suppose you may have wanted everything to happen all at once, but you could try to put a bit 'more' description about everything that 'is' happening at once. Ah well. Still very good. Keep up the good work!
-Mad
7/27/2006 c2 6bookface31
Hello, again! I really like this, so I'm going to comment again because I like it so much! It's very funny, and it reminds me of my own writing style (that's if you get a little bit further into what I have on the site now). It's very entertaining. Don't stop writing.And thanks for the review on my short story. It was based off of something that happened to my close cousin. The whole bet thing was made up, and thanks for reviewing!
6bookface31Hello, again! I really like this, so I'm going to comment again because I like it so much! It's very funny, and it reminds me of my own writing style (that's if you get a little bit further into what I have on the site now). It's very entertaining. Don't stop writing.And thanks for the review on my short story. It was based off of something that happened to my close cousin. The whole bet thing was made up, and thanks for reviewing!
7/27/2006 c1 bookface31
Hell yeah us un-reviewed writers have to stick together. But, I don't know why this hasn't been reviewed too much, yet. It's really good, and very funny. Seriously, I haven't been on this site very long, but this piece is probably the best thing I've read here. Good job, and don't stop writing.I'm taking your advice( even though it was never really given, so don't feel bad ) to shorten my chapters. They'll be a LOT shorter so you won't be so scared any more. Thanks for reading what I wrote, and I will continue reading this!
Hell yeah us un-reviewed writers have to stick together. But, I don't know why this hasn't been reviewed too much, yet. It's really good, and very funny. Seriously, I haven't been on this site very long, but this piece is probably the best thing I've read here. Good job, and don't stop writing.I'm taking your advice( even though it was never really given, so don't feel bad ) to shorten my chapters. They'll be a LOT shorter so you won't be so scared any more. Thanks for reading what I wrote, and I will continue reading this!
7/24/2006 c2 2CrypticIdentity
SCORE. This looks so awesome. The Prologue could use a little work-the flow seems interrupted in places-but Ch 1 really rocked. However, I can sort of see the seams between your guys' different writing styles in the first half of the chapter, and both of them have really strong points.
I love Mato's for the content and intriguing style. It's good at pulling the reader into the world you guys have created, and it's definitely interesting to read.
Daku's, on the other hand, is just plain fun to read, if a little lacking in content. I was literally laughing out loud at much of his dialogue.
The parts with Janaka and Nasatu are obviously both of you working at your best together, because it's much harder for me to see where Mato's style end and Daku's begins, and vice versa. It makes it very interesting to read.
I like your guys' overall style. It almost read like a screenplay in some areas, and makes it very easy to picture what's going on. On the other hand, you guys could probably use a bit more physical description of the characters themselves, because while they're characterized very well and have very distinct personalities, it's a bit harder to picture the physical distinctions between the characters. Just make sure not to go overboard; just one or two sentences about their face or eyes or hair would work.
Also, some backstory of the country/world itself would probably help in understanding what type of society these people are living in and what the world is like.
You could probably use some * * * dividers or something to help with the scene changes, just for coherency. Overall, though, the story is off to an awesome start. I like it a lot. Can't wait for the next update.
Erm...sorry if this was a little harsh in some places. I wanted to give you guys a good review, with some constructive criticism, but if anything was overboard, please tell me. I really am enjoying the story so far. Keep it up!
2CrypticIdentitySCORE. This looks so awesome. The Prologue could use a little work-the flow seems interrupted in places-but Ch 1 really rocked. However, I can sort of see the seams between your guys' different writing styles in the first half of the chapter, and both of them have really strong points.
I love Mato's for the content and intriguing style. It's good at pulling the reader into the world you guys have created, and it's definitely interesting to read.
Daku's, on the other hand, is just plain fun to read, if a little lacking in content. I was literally laughing out loud at much of his dialogue.
The parts with Janaka and Nasatu are obviously both of you working at your best together, because it's much harder for me to see where Mato's style end and Daku's begins, and vice versa. It makes it very interesting to read.
I like your guys' overall style. It almost read like a screenplay in some areas, and makes it very easy to picture what's going on. On the other hand, you guys could probably use a bit more physical description of the characters themselves, because while they're characterized very well and have very distinct personalities, it's a bit harder to picture the physical distinctions between the characters. Just make sure not to go overboard; just one or two sentences about their face or eyes or hair would work.
Also, some backstory of the country/world itself would probably help in understanding what type of society these people are living in and what the world is like.
You could probably use some * * * dividers or something to help with the scene changes, just for coherency. Overall, though, the story is off to an awesome start. I like it a lot. Can't wait for the next update.
Erm...sorry if this was a little harsh in some places. I wanted to give you guys a good review, with some constructive criticism, but if anything was overboard, please tell me. I really am enjoying the story so far. Keep it up!