8/19/2006 c3 Noihseret
you have created such an amazing world here! really, it's astonishing! ^^ write on, DD!

8/19/2006 c1 Noihseret
wow. you have such an amazing talent for words! I could see everything in my head as it happened. not to mention I loved how you spaced this with the sound effects. that was clever ^^ to the next chapter! away!

8/19/2006 c3 3Adaku
This is much better. I can read the paragraphs now, with out being confused. Also, you probably shouldn't blod your words, just leave Italic.

"His senses cloudy and leaden, he forced his eyes to flutter open; everything was a haze, a blur of grey and the occasional highlights of orange and red."

That's kind of confusing to me. But I got the idea so far. You're a really good author, just keep writing. Till next time

waterhealer

8/18/2006 c4 12Lccorp2
Harr.

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

Why is a princess in a bar? Supposedly, she's disguised. Oh jolly good, that means that the palace/castle guards are completely inept at letting a stranger waltz in and out. (I know I'm going off on a tangent now...) Secret passages? No random secret passages just because. Secret passages that lead to the outside of the castle and were intended for escape or bringing in supplies during sieges at least make sense, even though I find them ridiculously overused. (What are the chances both that a spy would miss them and that the one or two people who always know where they are would survive the attack?) Passages that go between random rooms make no sense. Nor do passages that lead into libraries everyone knows about, or into attics where only junk is stored, or between bedrooms that could be reached by sneaking around in the open much more easily.

Think about it. It takes time and money to build secret passages, and most of them must have been built at the time the castle was constructed; surely someone would have noticed if, hundreds of years later, piles of rock were lying around in two bedrooms while a passage was built. (This is the problem I have with the “these two ancient people were lovers and built the passage between their rooms.” How, exactly?) They have to be fitted into the construction of the castle somehow, as well as kept secret. And that’s its own problem. Either the king murders the masons, or he pays them enough to shut up, or he constructs them himself—again, at enormous expense of time and money. They should have had a role to play, one that the modern characters can reason out even if they’re not exactly sure they’re right, and not just occur so that your character can escape when attacked in the library by Random Murderer #8.

Even so, won't someone notice she's missing? Won't they check up on her? Being a princess *is* a liability in some ways, you know.

Either way, a noble/royal shouldn't be walking around so easily, disguised or not. Primarily for his/her own safety.

-"“What am I doing(?)” he asked himself..."

Hmm. I'm in a bit of a rush today, so I can't say all that much. Perhaps I'll continue in another chapter.

Harr.

8/14/2006 c1 6Taylary Daisuke
As usual, you are very descriptive of the area and setting. (Unlike me, I purposely hide the setting and era.)

By the stories I've read so far from you, your characters always seem to have some intense background history. But I must admit that for some reason your stories seem to be a little predictable. No real element of surprise. When the characters reveal themselves, I feel no momentary shock since I had already deciphered it.

Other than that, it is really good.

8/13/2006 c2 16Ds14
Great descriptiveness again. Not as heavy adjective use, but you still kept your style.

“Kill me, Noir, as you have killed babes and women before. If you are a true knight, that is.” - I know the proper meaning of "babes" but it still made me laugh. Same way I laughed when you used the verb erected. :-p I'm 16, forgive me.

The chapter was well written, but pretty uneventful until the last 3 or so paragraphs. But they were pretty explosive and made me want to read the next chapter immediately. (The first chapter was like that, too. Unfortunately I get lazy and open other windows and never get to reading the chapters .)

8/11/2006 c3 6Kafkaman
You have an interesting idea with making humans the pure, 'unsullied' race, instead of the elves-it's usually the other way around. I'd like to see that idea fleshed out more later on.