10/31/2006 c1 7Maiya
Hi kababayan!

First of all, I would like to thank you for reviewing my story, "Tenshi no Tsubasa". And it's not just any review you made, you gave encouraging comments and constructive criticisms. I really like that, because I always look for ways to improve my story.

As such, I wanted to give you my own review as a sign of appreciation. But truth be told, if I had discovered this story before you reviewed mine, I would have already left you a review.

I've only read the first chapter, but I can already see a promising future to this story. The grammar and spelling are excellent, and I really envy the way you use words to convey the events in the story. I can really imagine how the scenes are like.

On a side note, I'm also beginning to work on a new story that I'm doing for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), that has a fantasy setting. It's my first time writing that kind of genre, so I hope you would mind me asking for some tips from time to time? Haha...

In any case, on to the next chapter!

10/30/2006 c4 14Aria Zilfier
The story, up to now, has been fascinating. I was a bit confused though, between how chapter 1 & 2 will tie up with the rest, but I suppose, it will somehow do.

I like your description of the places - it's something I have never been able to do...and almost never did in my stories (which I know I SHOULD have done). The description of battle scenes and emotions are quite good too and I can put myself in the characters' shoes.

I will continue reading this interesting story and review more :)

I hope you will be able to r&r some of my writings though (and point out the mistakes & where I can improve, if it's not too troublesome for you.) Thanks :)

10/30/2006 c11 5anti-climax
thanks for the review. =)

well, for your new chapter... I would say its excellent in the beginning especially; the dreams are worded out authentically and perfectly even. =). I can however foresee people having a hard time catching up with what's going on here, what with your language being so profound and all...

Nive gets a second shot and apparently, he transforms into an uber-warrior type. An eight-foot sword...well, since this is a fantasy story I can live with it but realistically it's impossible XD. Even if we know this Seles dude is super-strong, I just can't imagine him fighting with a sword which pretty much hampers his ability to fight on land; imagine his blade getting stuck in the ground every so often.

I’m… I’m ssuck. I presume there's an error there, unless of course you wrote it intentionally with a view of a young boy stuttering in fear.

Well, one of your very best chapters thus far IMO. Kudos for that and keep writing.

10/28/2006 c1 1Renica the blue
Wow...

Just... Wow, this is awesome! It's almost- no- It's better than ERAGON! (And that's something, coming from me, as I believe Eragon to be the best book ever.)

Just... One thing... I don't know which order I'm supposed to be reading these things in! I read "World of Tsubasa" first, saw the one with the demon king, considered reading it, then thought,"No... Tsubasa reverse... THAT should come first... Right?"

Ha ha! I have no idea!

Adding you to my favorite stories, and authors list, as well as my allert list. Gee, more stuff to cram my inbox with.(Enough alerts (Author and story) on fictionpress and fanfiction to drive me crazy!)

10/28/2006 c2 12iamthedave
Really good! I like this a lot. Very well done twist at the end, the dialogue runs well, and the pace is perfect. Not overdone, just right. Also you give the right amount of context and background, so I and other readers have a decent idea of what's happening without us knowing too much about the setting, or I should say knowing more than we need to at this point. I'll definitely be reading more of this.

Minor niggles:

"amid the throng of people watching wide-eyed and the snow that had recently fallen, their armored greaves crunching and sinking through rather thick a layer of it carpeting the cobblestones" - long sentence, and that's not including the rest of it. Also, the 'watching wide-eyed and the snow' doesn't run well. I think you'd be better losing 'watching' and moving 'wide-eyed' in front of 'people', and finding a more elegant way to work the snow in. Then break sentence and put 'crunching and sinking' into past tense with 'ed' endings. I'd also lose 'rather'. It's not a good word when you're doing descriptions. *whew* That was a bit of a critique.

"“Art thou not kneelest, Eventide?”" - that's a really abominable use of old English. If you modernise it, he's just said 'are you not kneeling' or thereabouts, which makes almost no sense. A more appropriate question would be 'why art thou standing'. I think that all the old English here is questionable. If you want to talk about it feel free to contact me. My girlfriend's a bonefide expert on old English, and while I can just say 'ew' without giving proper corrections, I have no doubt she could properly correct this. Also, it's really jarring that the Old English vibe drops completely in the bit starting 'doubtless so'.

"you have not taught me to do nothing" - better if you wrote 'you did not teach me to do nothing. The current construction seems awkward and doesn't match the rest of Eventide's speech.

Please review my stories, should you have the time.

10/28/2006 c11 criti-sized
A very interesting chapter, I liked it alot. The descriptions in it were very good, and the emotion well played out.

I thought, personally that the first part was just fine. If you claim that it has to be in the story in order to make everything explicable, then that's good.

10/23/2006 c10 Fiore Chnudth
I wonder if death is really death for a Judge! He does seem to feel a lot in his death, which makes me think, he may not be really dead.

Although he by all accounts seems to deserve nothing less than death.

To the story from the beginning.

I think the story until you write "I will remember" was very, very poorly written. And this to the part where it confuses me and makes me wonder if you had difficulty starting the chapter! Especially the paragraph with the orb, disappointed me greatly. Too many insecure describtions with 'sort of', 'as if', 'kind of' and 'seemed' greatly lowering the quality. This disappoints me, because in my mind, your trademark is security in your style and writing, but that was way below standard.

The second paragraph however, painted a good picture of the Crystal Sea with the ship wrecks.

The bit containing some history was good too. This being the one with Winder Age reference.

Sakki is described like a computer game or roleplaying game, more than anything else, which gives a childish feel.

The killed-my-father idea started out a bit cliché, but as a classic theme nonetheless. And then it turned cool, when it seemed to be based in misunderstandings. At least it may be. And that's a cool idea, that this boy have spent a lifetime preparing revenge on the wrong dude. I like that! And if that's not the case, then Nive had just forgotten, which is kind of cool too. :-)

Mayhaps... ! New word learned! ;-)

Traveler is spelled with two 'l's unless you swear to US-English, which I kind of know you do, so that's alright. Not a mistake on your part as much as it is a childish attempt on a feeble comeback on my part... ;-)

The lines with bedding fresh girls and mothers' teats ruled beyond belief. Great freakin' job there!

Nive scaring Fanella was clear and well written. So, trust in that and don't feel the need to write that Nive checks if she's far away and safe - we get his intent.

The same can be said for the describtion with the sparks, where you add something about being like a forge. It gives feel of insecurity that you use the 'as if' additions to describtions, I think.

The dying scene was okay, even if I do doubt it to be real.

A chapter generally of the same, high quality, but the beginning was bad, so mind that when you edit or re-read/re-write.

KH

KHL

PS: I don't know if this matters or not, or if its even suited for a review, but I feel reluctant adding you to my favorites, because you fail yourself and your style from time to time. 98% is great, but then there is a beginning like this one or (which will forever be my reference) the use of the word gum. I think the moment, you gain that last ounch of security, you should remove all your stuff from FP and get published. For talent, I think all can see. Even if we, FP people are only amateur writers, most are professional readers and no one doubt your talents, dude!