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11/1/2006 c3 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Whee! Here I am again to review lol! Well, I should've expected Nive will never die so fast. The relationship between Noir and Nive is a bit strange though since she was much older than him. I think goes something like an elf living for centuries falling in love with a mortal. But now that I've seen the issue this way, it didn't mean that freaky to me. Anyway, I guess it would be interesting to see how Nive will get the Azoth in due time... and yeah, I would have expected Nive to face off with Morrigan in the end after I've seen the prelude. Will be interesting to see how Nive will grow in this aspect...
10/31/2006 c1 7Maiya
Hi kababayan!

First of all, I would like to thank you for reviewing my story, "Tenshi no Tsubasa". And it's not just any review you made, you gave encouraging comments and constructive criticisms. I really like that, because I always look for ways to improve my story.

As such, I wanted to give you my own review as a sign of appreciation. But truth be told, if I had discovered this story before you reviewed mine, I would have already left you a review.

I've only read the first chapter, but I can already see a promising future to this story. The grammar and spelling are excellent, and I really envy the way you use words to convey the events in the story. I can really imagine how the scenes are like.

On a side note, I'm also beginning to work on a new story that I'm doing for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), that has a fantasy setting. It's my first time writing that kind of genre, so I hope you would mind me asking for some tips from time to time? Haha...

In any case, on to the next chapter!
10/31/2006 c11 Fiore Chnudth
In a chapter such as this one, I guess one has to acknowledge that you keep it a bit messy or unorganised to bring a feel of mystique. And I acknowledge that as a choice you've made. However, I thought the beginning to be more messy than mysterious, and found it very difficult to keep focus and interest. Towards the end, there was just a little focus, there seemed to be context and not just asorted scenes, which to me gave a better feel.

The Lightning Crashes/birth-death-birth theme is somewhat unoriginal. And the real problem with it is that it has to be sold as original, which to me gives a feel of cheating when dealing with such a theme. And as such, in my mind, the chosing of such a theme demands great writing and plot. That I saw towards the end, but not in the beginning. In the beginning it was, other than messy, teenager-cool, I think.

The good part in the beginning was the snowing that was mentioned a few times. That gave a feel of context; I didn't get what the context/connection was, but I think there was something.

In the very first paragraph you use these words: "forever", "eternity" and "never known" - I think that's one too many.

Dead meat - not good!

Gradually - not good! I think there is good potential of describing his vision gradually focusing and clearing with using the word, gradually. Maybe describing colours or whatever else he sees. Every chance you get to describe what someone sees, you should do it.

He was so spent - I like that phrase.

In the middle, I think there might have been a fairly good describtion of panic, but I must admit that I was very bored there after the beginning that didn't impress me. So, I state that the panic in the middle is good, more out of objectivity than anything else.

You mentioning the promise so many times and naming your first chapter 'the promise' gave a bit of a feel of full circle. But it was a bit forced with the countless mentions of the promise. But the notion of it was good.

It was okay with the italic thought/speeches.

Not too surprising that Fanella was more than a girl. ;-)

The name Selesvain caught my eye from the get-go. And then Seles was the name of someone, I think is Nive. As I read a bit back, I start to wonder, but that was my initial thought and that I'm staying with. In going from the name Selesvain to Seles, you remove 'vain'. This of course means 'for nothing' or something to the effect. I wonder if there in this lies a message for the reader or if its used because it sounds fantasy! I guess the future will tell.

In general I think the last few chapters have had less of your style of language in them which I think a bit sad. The somewhat poetic style is more the exception than the rule. I hope this changes back again soon.


10/30/2006 c4 14Aria Zilfier
The story, up to now, has been fascinating. I was a bit confused though, between how chapter 1 & 2 will tie up with the rest, but I suppose, it will somehow do.

I like your description of the places - it's something I have never been able to do...and almost never did in my stories (which I know I SHOULD have done). The description of battle scenes and emotions are quite good too and I can put myself in the characters' shoes.

I will continue reading this interesting story and review more :)

I hope you will be able to r&r some of my writings though (and point out the mistakes & where I can improve, if it's not too troublesome for you.) Thanks :)
10/30/2006 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Dude, I dunno if reviewing every chapter is a form of review spamming... anyway, finally, Nive appeared. I guess the reason he deserted was because of what happened in the previous chapter, huh? Well, nothing much to say about this one except that I was absolutely freakin' surprised that Noir was a she. I thought she would be a he, but then again, guess I got too used to the idea of knights being men, that is given that I refer a Judge as a knight, huh? Actually, I still dunno the man from the prelude, but given that he's cloaked entirely, I guess it's safe to guess that the stranger could be a she and that she's actually Noir, huh? Anyway, I'll be looking forward to review again ASAP and hopefully, you'll see this story to the end. Bye! ^^
10/30/2006 c11 5anti-climax
thanks for the review. =)

well, for your new chapter... I would say its excellent in the beginning especially; the dreams are worded out authentically and perfectly even. =). I can however foresee people having a hard time catching up with what's going on here, what with your language being so profound and all...

Nive gets a second shot and apparently, he transforms into an uber-warrior type. An eight-foot sword...well, since this is a fantasy story I can live with it but realistically it's impossible XD. Even if we know this Seles dude is super-strong, I just can't imagine him fighting with a sword which pretty much hampers his ability to fight on land; imagine his blade getting stuck in the ground every so often.

I’m… I’m ssuck. I presume there's an error there, unless of course you wrote it intentionally with a view of a young boy stuttering in fear.

Well, one of your very best chapters thus far IMO. Kudos for that and keep writing.
10/29/2006 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Ok, sorry for the belated review. Sucks to be me, huh? Anyway, interesting prologue you've got here. You definitely did well in describing the scenes and I'd really like to know the behind-the-scenes issue of the whole attack here. I mean, there got to be a reason behind this and I was wondering what that was. As for the stranger, I can't say anything about him in an assuming manner, but I have this odd feeling that he may be Nive Eventide. Anyway, I really wonder what part the whole royal family will play in the future and I'd like to see where you'll be taking this story. I'll try to review again soon though and hopefully, I can reach the updated chapter within a matter of time eventually. Anyway, hope to see your reviews for my stories again soon! Bye! ^^
10/28/2006 c1 1Renica the blue

Just... Wow, this is awesome! It's almost- no- It's better than ERAGON! (And that's something, coming from me, as I believe Eragon to be the best book ever.)

Just... One thing... I don't know which order I'm supposed to be reading these things in! I read "World of Tsubasa" first, saw the one with the demon king, considered reading it, then thought,"No... Tsubasa reverse... THAT should come first... Right?"

Ha ha! I have no idea!

Adding you to my favorite stories, and authors list, as well as my allert list. Gee, more stuff to cram my inbox with.(Enough alerts (Author and story) on fictionpress and fanfiction to drive me crazy!)
10/28/2006 c11 7Noihseret
I loved how the last chapter was Death, now this is Birth. very fitting ^^ great descriptions! I loved the feel of this chapter. it was so real... write on Diamond Dust!
10/28/2006 c2 12iamthedave
Really good! I like this a lot. Very well done twist at the end, the dialogue runs well, and the pace is perfect. Not overdone, just right. Also you give the right amount of context and background, so I and other readers have a decent idea of what's happening without us knowing too much about the setting, or I should say knowing more than we need to at this point. I'll definitely be reading more of this.

Minor niggles:

"amid the throng of people watching wide-eyed and the snow that had recently fallen, their armored greaves crunching and sinking through rather thick a layer of it carpeting the cobblestones" - long sentence, and that's not including the rest of it. Also, the 'watching wide-eyed and the snow' doesn't run well. I think you'd be better losing 'watching' and moving 'wide-eyed' in front of 'people', and finding a more elegant way to work the snow in. Then break sentence and put 'crunching and sinking' into past tense with 'ed' endings. I'd also lose 'rather'. It's not a good word when you're doing descriptions. *whew* That was a bit of a critique.

"“Art thou not kneelest, Eventide?”" - that's a really abominable use of old English. If you modernise it, he's just said 'are you not kneeling' or thereabouts, which makes almost no sense. A more appropriate question would be 'why art thou standing'. I think that all the old English here is questionable. If you want to talk about it feel free to contact me. My girlfriend's a bonefide expert on old English, and while I can just say 'ew' without giving proper corrections, I have no doubt she could properly correct this. Also, it's really jarring that the Old English vibe drops completely in the bit starting 'doubtless so'.

"you have not taught me to do nothing" - better if you wrote 'you did not teach me to do nothing. The current construction seems awkward and doesn't match the rest of Eventide's speech.

Please review my stories, should you have the time.
10/28/2006 c11 1JJSLAM2129
...Don't you hate it when the voices inside of your head just won't shut up? Poor Nive/Seles...

A very fitting title, Birth. I'm glad to see Nive regain his 'sight'. Few realise that our past is part of ourselves, and if we try to abandon it, we cease to exist. A job well done as always.

I can start to see why this fits under the romance category. Ami gives Nive some purpose, whether or not she's still alive.

And you're right, the guy who saved Aoi from earlier DID have purpose and isn't a DEM. I can see why now. Now this'll start to get interesting, now that Nive is born...again...

The only thing I have to say about the writing is one little itsy bitsy part: "cutting through the murk of his pain like a sword through cheese". That phrasing ruined the moment for me. I couldn't think about much more than cutting a block of cheese and eating it with crackers for five minutes until I got back to reading.

Anyhow, a very emotional chapter, but as you said in the A/N, with purpose. Great job and keep up the excellent work! ( :: )
10/28/2006 c11 criti-sized
A very interesting chapter, I liked it alot. The descriptions in it were very good, and the emotion well played out.

I thought, personally that the first part was just fine. If you claim that it has to be in the story in order to make everything explicable, then that's good.
10/25/2006 c10 7Noihseret
oh wow... what an awesome fight scene! you wrote it wonderfully as usual ^^

my favourite line:

“I destroyed a city. You’d think somebody would have gone for my head before now.”

poor Nive. (sniffle) and Fanella too!

I can't wait for the next chapter!
10/23/2006 c10 Fiore Chnudth
I wonder if death is really death for a Judge! He does seem to feel a lot in his death, which makes me think, he may not be really dead.

Although he by all accounts seems to deserve nothing less than death.

To the story from the beginning.

I think the story until you write "I will remember" was very, very poorly written. And this to the part where it confuses me and makes me wonder if you had difficulty starting the chapter! Especially the paragraph with the orb, disappointed me greatly. Too many insecure describtions with 'sort of', 'as if', 'kind of' and 'seemed' greatly lowering the quality. This disappoints me, because in my mind, your trademark is security in your style and writing, but that was way below standard.

The second paragraph however, painted a good picture of the Crystal Sea with the ship wrecks.

The bit containing some history was good too. This being the one with Winder Age reference.

Sakki is described like a computer game or roleplaying game, more than anything else, which gives a childish feel.

The killed-my-father idea started out a bit cliché, but as a classic theme nonetheless. And then it turned cool, when it seemed to be based in misunderstandings. At least it may be. And that's a cool idea, that this boy have spent a lifetime preparing revenge on the wrong dude. I like that! And if that's not the case, then Nive had just forgotten, which is kind of cool too. :-)

Mayhaps... ! New word learned! ;-)

Traveler is spelled with two 'l's unless you swear to US-English, which I kind of know you do, so that's alright. Not a mistake on your part as much as it is a childish attempt on a feeble comeback on my part... ;-)

The lines with bedding fresh girls and mothers' teats ruled beyond belief. Great freakin' job there!

Nive scaring Fanella was clear and well written. So, trust in that and don't feel the need to write that Nive checks if she's far away and safe - we get his intent.

The same can be said for the describtion with the sparks, where you add something about being like a forge. It gives feel of insecurity that you use the 'as if' additions to describtions, I think.

The dying scene was okay, even if I do doubt it to be real.

A chapter generally of the same, high quality, but the beginning was bad, so mind that when you edit or re-read/re-write.



PS: I don't know if this matters or not, or if its even suited for a review, but I feel reluctant adding you to my favorites, because you fail yourself and your style from time to time. 98% is great, but then there is a beginning like this one or (which will forever be my reference) the use of the word gum. I think the moment, you gain that last ounch of security, you should remove all your stuff from FP and get published. For talent, I think all can see. Even if we, FP people are only amateur writers, most are professional readers and no one doubt your talents, dude!
10/22/2006 c10 1JJSLAM2129
Silly FictionPress doesn't inform me when people like you on my alert list update. Oh, well, I got to it eventually. Anyhow...

If this /were/ the end, it would have been a very good one. I probably would have complained if Nive had won. Fyreon's got some pretty cool moves. And poor Fanella.

The name Himelburg, I found it rather ironic, or at the least, cool because I love German so much. You probably know this, that 'Himel' means 'the heavens', and may have named the city for that reason. Very nice. I like it.

But now what's going to happen, now that one of your central characters is dead? I mean, I know there are other plots happening at the same time, as evidence of your last few chapters, but Nive, to me atleast, was one of your more major characters, if not /the/ main character. He's in the summary after all.

Will Liera ever come back? That sight's going to be a stomach turner for her when she sees it.

The only thing I suggest writing wise would be to reorder one of the paragraphs. Maybe make it read "...an enemy's killing intent, from nim. The man's sakki was not trifle, that he could see. In fact, he could almost smell the rancor...did not seem to be one of Liera's followers. Those with higher sakki were fiercer and deadlier in combat..." Then again I suppoes that might change the meaning too much.

...And as for having a forum for Tsubasa, I totally support it...

I really, really can't wait for more. PLEASE update soon and I'll try to get a look at is ASAP! ( :: )

P.S. : Sorry about the last review. It seems I typed Noir instead of Nive. Pardon my idiot mistake. Ops.
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