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for Midnight, Melanie

8/4/2006 c1 7The Breakdancing Ninja
The Breakdancing Ninja gives this a WHOPPING 4 ¾ out of 5… plus ONE POINT. The review adds a fourth of a point for awesome reading experience even after a crappy nap, and another three-fourths of a point… shit, he forgot already. But it’s in the damn review. He had originally given it a 4 ¾ because it blew his mind! It was a hell of a read and enjoyable to review. There’s not much more he can say about how great this was, so he’ll let the review speak for itself. Refer to the criticism below for more details. He liked all the punctuation, though.

Whoa, Jesus. This was loaded. To be honest, I was mesmerized. I couldn’t believe how packed this poem was. It’s a very accomplished piece of work—full of images, feelings, has a great narrator voice, great stanza breaks and a good aesthetic quality. It’s prostitutes and city streets all the way, but it doesn’t feel too bleak. Man, when I think of the bad side of prostitution and city streets I think of that shit movie with Leonardo DeCaprio in it. “The Basketball Diaries”. And that doesn’t have anything really to do with prostitution or what the swanky part of New York City looks like. This poem glamorized the City. Whenever I think about the City, I have two views of it. New York’s Time Square, and Brooklyn. Yeah. There’s rich and swanky, and then dirty as hell and dangerous. I mean, I don’t think of Times Square and Brooklyn, but I think about what kind of atmosphere they have whenever they’re used in movies, especially in the winter. Well, whenever Times Square is used, it isn’t winter, it’s fucking Christmas or New Years’ Eve. When it’s Brooklyn, it’s snowing and shit, and everyone’s cold and huddling around a bonfire in a trash can. Hahahahaha

For the purpose of disambiguation, I will say I thought more of Times Square when I read this piece, which was perfectly fine with me. It was more than fine, it was awesome.

Crap, I went to take a nap, and now that I’m reading it, it makes less and less sense. I think all poetry does if you think about it too hard, because the feelings they appeal to first are the gut-wrenching feelings, the ones that come out from impulse. The mind starts churning out logic and then everything seems to make less sense. The poem, miraculously, is still awesome. I’ll make sure to give it a fourth of a point for that.

Selective sentences about mangos:1) The mango is reputed to be the most commonly eaten fresh fruit worldwide.2) Mangoes are very juicy; the sweet taste and high water content make them refreshing to eat, though somewhat messy.3) Many plants, flowers, trees and fruit appear as metaphors in the discourses and literature of Buddhism. For example, Nagarjuna wrote, "Human beings should be seen as Mangos - to be distinguished in this manner: Unripe but ripe looking,/ripe but unripe looking,/unripe and also unripe looking,/ ripe and also ripe looking."

Women are, fortunately, the most commonly eaten fresh fruit worldwide. RoflThey -can- be refreshing to eat, too, but yes. They are very messy.And that shit Nagarjuna wrote. Man, I Google’d “symbol of the mango” and got that. Which is true enough about people in general.

Selective sentences about Minnesota:1) Mni, or sometimes mini, or Minne can be translated as "water". Mnisota is then translated as sky-tinted water or somewhat clouded water. 2) The state's nickname, The Land of 10,0 Lakes, is no exaggeration: there are 11,842 lakes over 10 acres in size. The Minnesota portion of Lake Superior is the largest and deepest body of water in the state.3) It has continental weather: cold winters, hot summers.4) Although Minnesota was a new state when the American Civil War started, it was the first to contribute troops to the Union effort, with about 22,0 Minnesotans serving.5) Dude, its state flower is: A Pink and White Showy Lady Slipper. Roffle



Roffle.

Well, gathering some miscellaneous facts off Wikipedia of Minnesota, I have a conclusion about Melanie. She is: somewhat tainted, but also reflects endless possibilities (“sky-tinted water”), she’s deep and very nourishing (lots of lakes), her weather is sound and continental—she’s not polarized and weird. She’s a young fighter (fact 4), and she is… an eccentric sort of woman (A Pink and White Snowy Lady Slipper).

‘Sidewalk, lipstick, snow and perfume’ reminds me of what a prostitute might do at Times Square during Christmas or a happy hour when all the business men come out. She might not even be applying lipstick while walking on a sidewalk, but for some reason, all the words seem related. In a sensible, logical approach, an analysist of your piece would say: ‘She is walking down a sidewalk caked with snow, applying lipstick and perfume.’ It doesn’t have to be like that, because I think all the words just go together as separate but whole and linear images—but. You know. The fact that all of them are capitalized in the poem makes them almost like facets or motifs of a woman walking down the street, or weapons. “Whispering, drawing me close to you.” Whether the actual woman (or man hahaha) is walking up to the speaker and actually whispering isn’t the issue. The idea that all these capital things—how the sidewalk and the snow looks, how lipstick appeals and perfume smells—these things draw the speaker in. It might not even have much to do with the woman herself, but the idea of being with a prostitute. I’m taking great pains to try and be assertive about saying this girl is a prostitute, and it’s a big leap. I’m usually more broad about what I call the object of the poem, but, I’ll stick with prostitute since that’s what I saw most prominently. It’s strange that you use a period after that line, I don’t know if you meant to or not. But it’s a good way to bring the beat to a close. Maybe your mind was shutting that subtle rhyme and beat off, because the next lines that follow are great hook lines.

“Last night, the dirty lights grew/ Into colorful hanging fruit” This is a great image. Three-fourths of a point for this one all by itself, man. I saw this film done by a student while I was still in high school, it was a music video for Coldplay’s “The Scientist”, and the guy blurs the lights of oncoming traffic, so it would have this effect of “hanging fruit”, because a line stretches from the top and bottom of the lights when they’re blurred—and also left to right. The image itself adorns a dirty place with something more like a paradise or a forbidden garden. It makes the city something playful to romp in, as if the city blooms only at night when all the lights are in full view.

“Life’s suddenly a big lounge show/ Full of sighs and smoke/ Spilling moonlit shadows/ And feel-good music”. I imagine that the speaker and the prostitute are wining and dining at a jazz club or some kind of theatrical show. The idea of Life being a “big lounge show” tells me that the speaker doesn’t often follow city swank. He’s either average or a workaholic who suddenly feels as if everything’s transformed over night because of this woman he meets that draws him in. She’s like, the door to a real good dream. “Sighs and smoke” sets up a demure, quiet tone. Restive music like head-bop jazz. It’s an irritating form of jazz that you wish would explode in colorful solos or swing, but it stays cool forever and it has this unnerving quality. “spilling moonlit shadows” has a soothing, noir linguistic quality to it that silkily goes hand-in-hand with the rest of this poem. “Feel-good music” usually isn’t loud or exploding, unless it’s a girl that just broke up with some dude and is listening to “I Will Survive” for a fucking pick-me-up. hahaha

“Fast out the door Darling/ It’s become your slogan” Hm. This confuses me. “Darling” is referring to the speaker, and not the object of the poem, correct? No, that’s not what I’m confused about. I’m actually wondering if she means: “Fast out the door, I want to get this night over with” or “Fast out the door, let’s have sex, all this tension is killing me”. It would seem more realistic for a girl who is a prostitute to say the former, but the later tag line of this has plummeted me into further confusion, where she says something like, ‘Put more feeling into it’. Unless she’s being sarcastic, or she’s selfish or something and doesn’t want to be doing all that work and the speaker smoking a fucking cigarette. Or maybe she means it in a playful way—or maybe she’s a goddamn nympho who can’t get enough of this stuff. You see what my trouble is? Obviously, though, the speaker and the object of the poem see each other a lot, since it’s become her “slogan”. Maybe they’re in love. It’s sort of my hope. I think that’s how I’ll analyze the rest of this. A playful love relationship between the speaker and the object of the poem—though, I feel more feeling and sympathy on behalf of the speaker, who seems to find being with this chick a magical, romantic thing.

“It suddenly felt different/ The day you came to greet me/ Discount pillows make sleep confusing” This made me even more confused. The first image I got (before I went to take a nap) was that of… Him finally being caught off-guard by this woman, who has—unexpectedly—come to visit him. It might be some weird type of relationship, and he just happens to be her favorite client or something. It isn’t disclosed whether he has a wife and children, or if he was just like, weirded out, because he’s used to approaching her and all that. Or maybe he was genuinely happy and surprised to see her—like, surprised in the good way. But the line “Discount pillows make sleep confusing” says to me, it’s as if now, they’re trying to find time to see each other even if the place isn’t so classy, and the atmosphere isn’t as magical. I saw the actual stanza as: “It suddenly felt different the day you came to greet me. You know, discount pillows make sleep confusing.” That sentence doesn’t have a lot of perturbation in it, but I think if the stanza is left alone, it sounds like the speaker is unnerved. Jesus. I should off myself.

“This Sugar Prisoner/ Is crumbling into your chest/ Say my heart beats with yours/ Today and maybe tomorrow” He calls himself a “Sugar Prisoner”, right? I think he does. That’s a pretty peculiar name to call yourself. Maybe he means, he is addicted to her sweetness and succulence. Sugar crystallizes and bunches together, it is still malleable, but it has that crumbling effect. … that reminds me. I failed my sugar crystal chemistry project. Opening up old wounds. D: The idea of sugar that’s hardened for so long and is finally crumbling is close enough to people saying: “She melted the coldness in his heart”. Or “she shattered his heart of stone”. “Say my heart beats with yours/ Today and maybe tomorrow” Good pickup line. Roffle

“Finish your cigarette Darling/ Put more feeling into it” Maybe he was like, saying romantic stuff to her and smoking a cigarette, and she’s like: ‘Yeah, yeah. Let’s do this. : 3’ This was the phrase that confused me from before. I’m not going to go into it again.

“It’s become a forgetful song/ Between here and the clouds/ Today those thoughts disappeared” What is “It” referring to? His memories of her? His former life? It would suck if he meant, you know, his memories of her. It reinforces the discount pillow stanza. “Between here and the clouds” suggest it being swept away with the wind. “Gone with the Wind” hahahaha. Are the “forgetful song” and “those thoughts” the same? Or is the forgetful song one thing, and his insecure thoughts and feelings another? I think this is a little too vague for interpretation—I rarely say that, but I think this has maxed out in vague points. Hahaha it’s still good, though. It’s just distracting and takes away from the flexible interpretation of all the other great lines here. The other ones pointed toward something, it’s just the feelings that could be interpreted one way or the other. But “it” turning into a “forgetful song” and “those thoughts” are like, hella evasive word choices. I mean, how anonymous can these nouns get? It’s as if the speaker doesn’t want to hear about them anymore.

[“The sun casts a shadow/ On everyone awake in this city”/ You said this was the truth] The Truth is usually accompanied with Light, like, for Enlightenment. But in this poem, it sounds like a bad thing for the sun to rise. It’s like it blurs out all the other lights and kills all the magic. And to be “awake” in the city doesn’t seem to be like a good thing. It seems to be like for everyone who isn’t asleep—or rather, for people who cannot sleep. “Awake” seems like a thing that survivors still are. Like after a night of zombies, an insomniac who doesn’t want to get eaten waits for the sun to come out—but the analogy and tone it has here isn’t so hopeful. The day time seems like a bad thing for this poem. “But I’m looking for a shadow, Honey/ Shaped like you.” I saw “Honey-shaped” but they’re in different lines. Why aren’t there commas before “Darling”? Isn’t that an address, too? This guy seems to be a smooth talker. Hahaha Him and his romantic lines. Subconsciously, he might be suggesting that: ‘We could live a normal life together, like normal people. We don’t have to meet at night like this.’ Well, that’s what I see at least.

“Tonight let’s do it differently/ Our shadows won’t exists, just for tonight/ Let’s feel this way forever…” The lack of verb-noun agreement shows a merging already in the speaker’s mind. “shadows won’t exists” is, indeed, an error, but it shows something in the train of thought. “exists” is already for a singular noun, which fits in well with what he is saying. If they join together, they become one entity. … But I still think you should correct it. “let’s do it differently” : O! roffle, no, I get it. Sort of. Maybe their approach to love. Instead of it just being some small little fling, he wants it so that way they won’t have to part ways—even if just for tonight. It’s kind of sad at the same time. “Just for tonight”/ “Feel this way forever”; “shadows”/“exists”. These contrasts in his statement seem anxious, sort of sad, as if he himself is facing some sort of truth. The ellipses shows an ect, ect. Which is, on and on and on and on. I thought that was good punctuation. A never-ending night of sex. Take me now, ML. Er. Not that I’m into that kind of thing. I’m not gay. c_c “close to you.”/“Close to you.” Reminds me of that song by the Mamas and the Papas. But the fact that the periods there, they suggest finality, resolution, will.“Midnight, Melanie” is different from “Midnight Melanie” in the way that—to be modified by “Midnight” is to suggest that her point of existence, and what she is most known for is only that time of day. “Midnight, Melanie” with a comma suggests a thought—maybe on the speakers behalf. He might be somewhere else, like at work or something, doing a shitty 9 to 5 and he’s thinking “midnight, Melanie”. ‘At midnight, I’ll get to see her. I’ll be close to her then.’ Things separated by commas are their own entities, even if they are closely related. Both “Midnight” and “Melanie” are capital nouns that exist on their own. They can be separated. “Melanie” doesn’t have to belong to just the midnight—yeah, that’s the hope. If there was no comma, the speaker and the poem resign to the fact that she cannot be seen, heard or felt anywhere else but at “Midnight”. It is a hopeful title, and the poem has its own strange version of romance.It was a great read, and like I said, it was loaded. Even after the first time I read it, I was hankerin’ to put it in my Favorite Stories. I don’t want to have too many of the same author, but I kind of don’t want to get rid of any of the pieces I have there from you. “Lake, part, street” and “Hangman” are insatiably good. So, yeah—here’s another one!Rock on, Monochrome Lovers! Great read.
7/29/2006 c1 3EmoBear
This was deep, and I don't mean that in a casual sense.

[Last night, the dirty lights grewInto colorful hanging fruit] I could kind of see lights hanging in different neon colors at night. Were you leaning toward this?

[Life’s suddenly a big lounge showFull of sighs and smokeSpilling moonlit shadowsAnd feel-good music] I love this. The speaker seems to want this to happen, but I get the feeling the speaker is alone in the show, without the 'Darling' the speaker wants.

[This Sugar PrisonerIs crumbling into your chest] This makes me think of sugar pills, and that 'Darling' is under some false assumption. Interesting.

[Finish your cigarette DarlingPut more feeling into it] After hearing this and the lounge show comment, I think the speaker wants something to be a big show, but it won't happen with 'Darling'.

[But I’m looking for a shadow, HoneyShaped like you.] Is his Honey awake? I think this is the question asked, and it's written out well after the other three lines.

[Our shadows won’t exists, just for tonightLet’s feel this way forever…] You leave this stanza at an ellipse, and it makes me feel like the speaker does not want to be awake anymore, if 'Darling' isn't either.

[Soft Skinned Mango, Rose TattooMinnesota red, black, and blueSidewalk, Lipstick, Snow, and PerfumeWhispering, drawing me close to you.

Close to you.] These might be characteristics, and the speaker just wants to be close to 'Darling' after everything.

Nice job with sensory details; I really love this piece. It's casual, but at the same time, serious.

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