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3/1/2009 c1 9TuneOut
I think you did a nice job building up the story in the beginning. Your characters had a good rapport with each other.

However, you rushed the ending. Her feelings of show towards Travis didn't feel believable since you only spent a sentence or two describing them. I also think that if you included more about their past, her pain would have felt more palpable.
3/29/2008 c1 9faerie-gumdrops
Oh this is really interesting. Although it is a one shot, it kind of seems like there could be more if you ever changed your mind or redid or whatever. Like there could be more about the backstory between Travis and Rachel (sorry - I just saw a kick-arse teen mystery on TV so I'm all in 'what if' mode!)

I like the awkwardness between them- the dialogue was particularly realistic, like how Travis sounds like he's asking a question. I like Peter as well, he seems like an awesome older brother. I wish I had an older brother :(

I liked this - you have a really natural style which is enjoyable and easy to read. CCwise:

'Peter, replied in a tone of authority' I don't think that the comma is needed.

Also, I think that there were a few full stops at the end of dialogue when there should have been commas like:

'"I'm still not convinced." Peter, replied in a tone of authority'

Really liked it! Good job again!
7/26/2007 c1 Sakura Rhiannon
Hey, I really thought it was intresting. Anyways I love your style of writing and wanted to let you know I updated one of my stories for you. After several long months .
8/10/2006 c1 lilydarling
Hm, I don't really see this as a one shot. It seems as if, with the right plot, of course, this could hit the ground running.

There's a bit too much dialouge. With a little more substance, this would be nice and dramatic.

Sorry, I don't have time to read more, as I'm going to the beach right now.

Bye, Gul!

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