for Origin6/18/2008 c1 Tawny Owl
I’m definitely in suspense now. This was interesting and a little bit creepy as well.
I could really imagine the hut turning into a moon lander at the end as well.
"A reporter for a major newspaper, however, learned of it, some details of the hut, and decided to find out more." – I did find this sentence a bit strange as well. I’m not sure you need the ‘some details of the hut’ bit. It seems a bit unnecessary.
I like the way you’ve written it as well. It makes it seem like it is a newspaper report, or someone telling the story in the local bar. It gives it a more mythic edge almost.
I’m definitely in suspense now. This was interesting and a little bit creepy as well.
I could really imagine the hut turning into a moon lander at the end as well.
"A reporter for a major newspaper, however, learned of it, some details of the hut, and decided to find out more." – I did find this sentence a bit strange as well. I’m not sure you need the ‘some details of the hut’ bit. It seems a bit unnecessary.
I like the way you’ve written it as well. It makes it seem like it is a newspaper report, or someone telling the story in the local bar. It gives it a more mythic edge almost.
4/8/2007 c2 anders8
Some great ideas are present in this story. There remains a preponderance of telling, though. I recommend embracing tight third-person limited or first-person narration and allowing details about worldbuilding and backstory to emerge naturally. The omniscient voice you're using isn't serving the story well. To paraphrase Ursula K. Le Guin, worldbuilding should be ground into fine sand and sprinkled among the bricks of your story.
Some great ideas are present in this story. There remains a preponderance of telling, though. I recommend embracing tight third-person limited or first-person narration and allowing details about worldbuilding and backstory to emerge naturally. The omniscient voice you're using isn't serving the story well. To paraphrase Ursula K. Le Guin, worldbuilding should be ground into fine sand and sprinkled among the bricks of your story.
4/8/2007 c1 anders8
The concept intrigues me. However, this prologue is a bit heavy on telling rather than showing, and you may be best served to cut it entirely from the story - I'll give you a more definite opinion after reading chapter one. You may also want to proofread for minor grammatical and spelling errors. There are a few instances of tense confusion - "every day it was more clean than it was the day before" would be better as "every day is was cleaner than in had been the day before" - and one or two typos such as "anthing.
The concept intrigues me. However, this prologue is a bit heavy on telling rather than showing, and you may be best served to cut it entirely from the story - I'll give you a more definite opinion after reading chapter one. You may also want to proofread for minor grammatical and spelling errors. There are a few instances of tense confusion - "every day it was more clean than it was the day before" would be better as "every day is was cleaner than in had been the day before" - and one or two typos such as "anthing.
8/12/2006 c6 
1Lady-Hitokiri
...
o.O
Whoa. This is really good stuff here. At least to me it is! I probably don't understand everything completely, but I think I got it down. So this guy at the beginning went into the hut and this is what happened to him? But he then saw everything and understood everything that happened to him?
Like I said before, I liked this thought-provoking piece, and wish it could have been longer. I'm always afraid I interpret people's stories the wrong way, if there even is a wrong way to interpret the story. Overall I think this shows a more intellectual side of your writing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'll be looking forward to whatever else you come out with, but like I said before- don't rush and stress out over it. :) Until next time.
1Lady-Hitokiri...
o.O
Whoa. This is really good stuff here. At least to me it is! I probably don't understand everything completely, but I think I got it down. So this guy at the beginning went into the hut and this is what happened to him? But he then saw everything and understood everything that happened to him?
Like I said before, I liked this thought-provoking piece, and wish it could have been longer. I'm always afraid I interpret people's stories the wrong way, if there even is a wrong way to interpret the story. Overall I think this shows a more intellectual side of your writing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'll be looking forward to whatever else you come out with, but like I said before- don't rush and stress out over it. :) Until next time.
8/12/2006 c5 Lady-Hitokiri
Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this- now Origin's probably going to end up on a spacecraft. XD Heh, anywoo, I think it's funny how you made the people start doubting themselves. They knew that Origin was from their world but the more they talked to him, they began getting crazy ideas like he's a spy from a different planet. I'm getting some crazy ideas myself. XD
Anyway, I think you're doing an amazing job with this story and too bad it's so short, though! *sees tab with 'epilogue' on it* XP
Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this- now Origin's probably going to end up on a spacecraft. XD Heh, anywoo, I think it's funny how you made the people start doubting themselves. They knew that Origin was from their world but the more they talked to him, they began getting crazy ideas like he's a spy from a different planet. I'm getting some crazy ideas myself. XD
Anyway, I think you're doing an amazing job with this story and too bad it's so short, though! *sees tab with 'epilogue' on it* XP
8/12/2006 c4 Lady-Hitokiri
Hm, I really wonder what they're going to do with him. I'm thinking something bad but I really have no idea. It's good when you're reading something and can't predict what's going to happen though. It makes the story fun and a lot better, which is how I see this piece. Although this piece does have a serious overtone and real depth to it, unlike many things I read.
Heh, I loved the debate over the existence out of nothing. It caught me off guard for him to say, "It's just a different time frame." I'm really thinking here, which is good. :)
Hm, I really wonder what they're going to do with him. I'm thinking something bad but I really have no idea. It's good when you're reading something and can't predict what's going to happen though. It makes the story fun and a lot better, which is how I see this piece. Although this piece does have a serious overtone and real depth to it, unlike many things I read.
Heh, I loved the debate over the existence out of nothing. It caught me off guard for him to say, "It's just a different time frame." I'm really thinking here, which is good. :)
8/12/2006 c3 Lady-Hitokiri
Well, this is going in a not-so-good direction. Origin STILL doesn't remember anything about his past, and worse off, he's given himself a new memory of what he thinks his life is/was about. I'm curious to read on and you've definitely made this a worthwhile read. :) So I'll continue.
Well, this is going in a not-so-good direction. Origin STILL doesn't remember anything about his past, and worse off, he's given himself a new memory of what he thinks his life is/was about. I'm curious to read on and you've definitely made this a worthwhile read. :) So I'll continue.
8/12/2006 c2 Lady-Hitokiri
Ah, I am free from my summer class (although real school starts in less than 10 days- d'oh!). XP But I'll be getting back to reading and writing, working on Three Words and all. But I still have a lot to do. So I don't blame you at all for going slow with Ath 2. Just don't rush it and hopefully your ideas can flow out. :)
I love where this whole story is going. It's a jab at how this world works and comparing it to a different yet familiar setting and world is really interesting. Yes! Hah, I wonder what would really happen if this society was female-dominated. :P Well, we'd be presidents for one thing...
Too bad Origin knocked his whole memory away...and it's strange how he just grew naturally, not being the product of an experiment of any kind. Maybe he's meant to do something and bring something new to the world that he is in now. Who knows? I guess I'll have to read to find out.
Ah, I am free from my summer class (although real school starts in less than 10 days- d'oh!). XP But I'll be getting back to reading and writing, working on Three Words and all. But I still have a lot to do. So I don't blame you at all for going slow with Ath 2. Just don't rush it and hopefully your ideas can flow out. :)
I love where this whole story is going. It's a jab at how this world works and comparing it to a different yet familiar setting and world is really interesting. Yes! Hah, I wonder what would really happen if this society was female-dominated. :P Well, we'd be presidents for one thing...
Too bad Origin knocked his whole memory away...and it's strange how he just grew naturally, not being the product of an experiment of any kind. Maybe he's meant to do something and bring something new to the world that he is in now. Who knows? I guess I'll have to read to find out.
8/3/2006 c3 dreamshell
Good to see something new. And sci-fi, no less, which you haven't done since...oh...Compulsion? I think so...
Anyways, this looks to be entertaining. It reminds me thus far of things like THX 1138, The Island, The Time Machine (especially with the obvious/awesome Morlock reference), and...uh, I don't know what else. Can't wait for more of your classic sci-fi action/comedy, though! :)
Good to see something new. And sci-fi, no less, which you haven't done since...oh...Compulsion? I think so...
Anyways, this looks to be entertaining. It reminds me thus far of things like THX 1138, The Island, The Time Machine (especially with the obvious/awesome Morlock reference), and...uh, I don't know what else. Can't wait for more of your classic sci-fi action/comedy, though! :)
8/2/2006 c1 Lady-Hitokiri
Wow, long time no see, eh? :) I was wondering when you'd come out with something. I am very much intrigued by this story so far. It has a sci-fi mystical, almost-fantasy-like feel to it, yet there is still a sense of realism to it. I really want to know what is up with those micro-organisms and why that hut is so special. Great stuff here. I look forward to reading more. :D It's so interesting to see how other people's minds work.
On the downside, I have been extremely busy (for one thing, I'm taking a hard summer Calc class), and actually can't wait for school to start so that I can have more free time. XP Ironic, no? But if I don't review in a while, don't take offense. I am behind not only in reading other people's fiction pieces, but also in writing my own. I am still working on my next story and want to finish it before putting it up on this site, which I'm still debating doing anyways. But yeah, ignore me right now. I'll just try to read and review whenever I can.
Wow, long time no see, eh? :) I was wondering when you'd come out with something. I am very much intrigued by this story so far. It has a sci-fi mystical, almost-fantasy-like feel to it, yet there is still a sense of realism to it. I really want to know what is up with those micro-organisms and why that hut is so special. Great stuff here. I look forward to reading more. :D It's so interesting to see how other people's minds work.
On the downside, I have been extremely busy (for one thing, I'm taking a hard summer Calc class), and actually can't wait for school to start so that I can have more free time. XP Ironic, no? But if I don't review in a while, don't take offense. I am behind not only in reading other people's fiction pieces, but also in writing my own. I am still working on my next story and want to finish it before putting it up on this site, which I'm still debating doing anyways. But yeah, ignore me right now. I'll just try to read and review whenever I can.