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for From the Shade of a Dream

9/17/2006 c7 12Lccorp2

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-Just a question:

"Most commerce in Sandstreets was done through barter, or through the exchange of small, plain coins engraved with a number and little else save the image of a hand grasping a torch."

Who backs this currancy? Unless it's of some intrinsic value (as most gold and silver coins are) you'll need a body to back this currency, to give it value. This is especially pertinent for heroes who travel all over the place. If the land is divided among competing currencies, they might earn a fortune in Lord Dreshon’s money for exposing a traitor, only to travel into Lord Felshon’s territory and discover it’s completely worthless because the local merchants only accept local coins.

Of course, this may be exactly the effect you want, if you’re going for a war-torn country, something like Germany or Italy before they united, where local “princes” had power close to home and ambitions to rule more than their homes, without the power to enforce those ambitions. But if you have a kingdom, an empire, an oligarchy, or another system of government that claims dominance over a good portion of the surrounding land, it is political suicide for those rulers to let someone else have control of the royal/imperial/merchants’ mint, or to let someone else create rival coins. I don’t care what kind of justifications the author comes up with. The Byzantine regulations that would have to be worked out could make for a cool story, sure, but the chance that anyone would have let them grow up in the first place, if they had the power to prevent it, is slim. And the sheer annoyance to travelers, tourists, foreign merchants, and anyone else who came in from outside with money to burn would probably inspire the true rulers to suppress the false coins soon enough.

Money is a dream, essentially, based on a system of trust. Coins have the value that people say they do because there is someone, whoever controls the mint, backing it up. If that trust fails, the currency system falls apart completely (unless you worked out another way of using currency, of course, which would be interesting, but which I’ve never seen). So don’t attack that trust.

Where are the counterfeiters? Oh, come on, you know there’ve got to be some. If a clever person comes up with money on day 1, a counterfeiter will come up with a way to forge it on day 2, and the clever person will find a way to try and prevent that on day 3, and the counterfeiter will find a way to get around the prevention on day 4.

What kind of protections the money will need and what kind of methods the counterfeiters will use to step around the protections depend on several things:

-The makeup of your currency. Carefully milled golden coins will be harder to forge than misshapen gold lumps. (And of course you go back to the argument about how much a gold lump is worth again).-The magic/technology available. A fantasy world with technology on the Renaissance level is simply not going to be able to protect its money in the same way as the twenty-first-century US government does.-The rate of success in catching counterfeiters. Say all the king’s guards really are as stupid and bumbling as the author portrays them as. They may not catch any but the most stupid and obvious counterfeiters, leading others to become more bold.-What the punishment is for counterfeiting. If it’s a slap on the wrist, it’ll be more common. If it’s an execution, it might be less common. If mages spread a blanket spell over the kingdom to insure that anyone even thinking about counterfeiting the king’s coin loses their fingers, I imagine that people would be quiet and honest and terrified, or extremely sneaky and intelligent.

Phew, that was a mouthful.

-A car? You specifically state that no one remembers the specifics of a car. For a car to work properly, and since it's been brought from another world (which implies it's been here for some time) you'd need petrol, antifreeze, spare parts and tyres for when they wore out, oil to keep moving parts in motion...and mechanics for this car. For it still to be in working condition, and it seems it's still being used quite often, if low-level people are being ferried around in it...(Yes, I know Marcus is an Arbiter, thoguh I've always had the impression he wasn't very highly-ranked amongst them.)

Do you get what I'm trying to say? I'm repeating what I'm saying in my review of chapter 4. If you have certain objects, ideas or processes, they require that other such things be present. Let's take the most basic: petrol and cars (since it obviously doesn't run on magic, hydrogen or whatever) If you have a car, you need petrol. That requires a knowledge of frational distillation and the proper equipment for such a process, which involves a very tall cooling tower amongst other things in a crude oil refinery. THAT requires the concept of boiling points, which in turn leads to thermophysics.

I won't go into the other things which a car requires as prerequisites. The basic thing is, if you're going for the "artifacts from the past" schlick, I'd expect the car not to have petrol, at the very least. Don't tell me their petrol stocks are infinite.

If you're going to have people regress, make sure the consequences of such regression are fully actualized, not merely certain parts of it. Ideas and inventions are more closely related than you'd think.
9/16/2006 c7 29Phoenix Melantha
Heya Kafkaman!

Once again, great work on the story. I seem to get more and more addicted with each chapter and believe me when I say that if you need any poetry/anything else, I'd be happy to help ^ ^

9/10/2006 c6 4coeurdefurie
Don't worry about typos...I'm dyslexic. The mistakes I make...spell check doesn't catch.

If you want something that has spell check, you might try Abiword. It's open source and free.


9/10/2006 c2 coeurdefurie
Why not put a bit of age on him between the prologue and chapter 1? I don't think a few years would drastically change your story and it would give the main character a chance to grow a bit.

9/7/2006 c5 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya there! Thanks for the review pal! ^^ Anyway, I'll have to say that this chapter's a bit spooky in a sense that the black dog just went missing and that I dunno where it gone. Anyway, like the mirror part of the chapter. I wonder what does the mirror has to do with the whole story, but you'll make it known sooner or later, huh? And yay! Adam's reflection was a wolf. Does that say something about his future? I really hope so. Seeing the wolf part made me happy since I'm a sucker for wolves. Maybe you're another one, huh? And yeah, now that Adam, Sade and Lael were going to the Arbiter's school, I wonder what's gonna happen next...

P.S: On your comments for the villagers, I'll have to say the word in that chapter is forced. Forced as in the villagers will be forced against their will. Yeah, I know that it required tons of power to do that, which Ranor could have done if everything goes smoothly. That being said, I do find that you've got a point in your CCs. And yeah, the visceral issue you've raised too... I'm not sure if I can do it, but I do have to say I'm not too used to writing this kind of stuff although I may try that out in the future...
9/1/2006 c4 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Dude, that was creepy... the entire atmosphere I mean... anyway, I really what the Red Wizard wants with Adam's heart. It's pretty obvious to all that he has some ulterior motive. Only thing is we dunno what... as for the rule breaking, I really wonder what it was... I have a feeling that the entire Sandstreets would be implicated although I think that already has been the case from what I've read so far...

P.S: On your comments on Azuren still living, I've found out that I've done a contradictory mistake. But now things have ended up like this, I'll just have to come up with an explanation and that is, the villagers could have execute Azuren alright, but they were having this impression that he couldn't do it on purpose due to Lakus being his foster father. He is, after all, just a kid and they didn't think he would repay good for evil at this age. At least for now. But they couldn't just let him be like that since he was the "demon's child". So it's like a case of escaping death, but still facing a penalty... sorry if that was a strained explanation...
8/31/2006 c3 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya there! So sorry for not returning the review sooner... anyway, if you ever have the impression that your review favor had been overdued, feel free to email me. Ok, now for the review... it really seems that Adam had some sort of guardian over him, huh? Hope to see him/her soon in the future. And yeah, I think I've got the logic in the Red Wizard taking Lael's voice... on Adam touching Lael's (?) wound, it really seems that he does have some amazing potential waiting to be unleashed, huh? And yeah, the atmosphere in the Sandstreets seemed rather creepy. It seems that something is happening there. And yeah, Adam slept peacefully... so does that mean the Red Wizard will come personally for him?
8/31/2006 c6 12Lccorp2

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-"It made him uneasy-bringing so little made him feel as if he were more completely leaving Sandstreets behind."

Good. At least he shows unease at leaving behind his past life, which is far more realistic than most protagonists.

-Chill? It is summer. Even when night approaches, it shouldn't get chilly...even close to autumn.


Much better than your first two chapters-though I can't discern if you've developed your own style...
8/24/2006 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Dude, that's freakin' disturbing... the final scene I mean... anyway, good concept on your world even though it's very brief. I liked the way you linked Adam, Sade and Lael together as companions. Good contrast between Adam and Sade's characters as well. And yeah, that was a nice song you have here even though they're only the lyrics... and wonder if West would be involved in this story in the future...

P.S: Well, I'm a nerd as well, so guess that makes us the same kind of people, huh? btw, Grumash is actually inspired by Gruumsh as you can see if you decided to read World of Arven chapter 2...
8/24/2006 c5 12Lccorp2

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-No, you're doing what most people do-how many people think or call their parents by say, their first name? So long as you're writing from Adam's or his freinds' PoV, there's no actual good, compelling reason to bring in his parents' names.

-Was the history of the world in your "crossroads" agricultural to begin with? Summer vacation was originally instituted for children to help with the labour consuming task of making hay (a very, very important task that could take all summer to have enough piled up). Now that I come to think of it, I'm still seeking answers to some things...I'll wait first, though.

-Three coppers say the mirror reflects some aspect of themselves. Beware of romanticising wolves or any other animal.
8/23/2006 c5 29Phoenix Melantha
You've finally updated, yeah! I'm honestly getting addicted to this story :D

I do like the simple feel to the story and how things seem so magical and strange to Adam and his friends (West's games for example). The mysteries are keeping me guessing as well (who is the owner of the white snake signature? I'm so curious!) but aren't discouraging me because I don't know - yet.

Anyways, keep up the good work and I'll keep reading if you keep writing ^ ^Phoe~
8/19/2006 c4 Phoenix Melantha
Hey Kafkaman,

I must say I was very flattered at your request to include my "not so great/I don't even think it compares to my other stuff" poem into your story, especially since I've now read it and find it quite appealing. Just the concept of this story has me intrigued as to what's going to happen next and what exactly Adam's heart is needed for. (the slight suspense of the story reminds me of the Darren Shan series actually *random thought*)

Anyways, as to whether or not you can use my poem - I'd be honoured to have it included within your excellent story :D You obviously still have to mention that I wrote it, of course, but I'm completely alright with the idea (to the point of jumping for joy after having read your request ^^).

I'd love to chat sometime, if you'd like, just so I can get to know you better (I'm so curious as to where you got the idea for the story and everything) and if you'd like for me to write you something else for your story (something I'll do gladly and willingly, especially since I've already done it for friends of mine).

So reply back, either by review or e-mail and I'll probably thank you for including my poem in your story yet again.

Phoe ~

PS-How often do you update this story? I seriously can't wait to read more :)
8/16/2006 c4 12Lccorp2

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

My point is, if you have something, it requires that certain prerequisites be present. Like to make glass, you have to know how to light a fire. To make, say, a t-shirt and jeans, enough for someone to own many items of clothing, you'd need knowledge of farming, dyes, cloth-making, industrial sewing machines, engines, and the such...which mean other prerequisites...and so forth...

It's quite hard to encompass completely...

-"He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror above the bureau-he was quite a sight, shirtless, wearing simply a long pair of loose sweatpants and wielding a gun-but he didn't really care what he looked like at this moment."

If he didn't care, why would he even notice that? especially under such circumstances, where Lael's being threatened?



Good Job.

8/15/2006 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Hiya! New reviewer here! ^^ Well, good prologue btw. It really makes us feel that something is gonna happen big time and the pacing of this chapter was also well done. Ok, I admit that I dunno what's the thing that the man in red wants, but I guess it's something that could change the world, huh? Wonder who Adam exactly was and what in the blue hell was that bugger in red...

P.S: If you're wanting to return the review favor, which I hope is the case, then I hope that you can review Circles of Arven. That's my top priority story for now.
8/14/2006 c3 12Lccorp2

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-Ah, that makes sense about the religions...

-If there's so much tech around, why doesn't it leak around, even more so considering that these people are living in such close proximity? At the very least, the effects of such technology shouldn't be confined to only the people who use them; to take a real-world example, pollution. The technological and magical 'haves' will affect the 'have-nots', and vice versa.

-I suppose one must cater to one's audience, and shall say nothing more about the colour scheme of Good and Evil, shall I?

-Consider the motivation of those giving information to the heroes. Amusingly enough, the characters often seem to spend more time thinking about this than the author does. The hero might recoil from the black-cloaked stranger who walks up and tells him that his life is in danger, wondering if this is a joke or if someone is trying to trick him. (Or in this case, a mysterious note-leaver, who, of course, lets us know that Adam is the GOODSZ...at least it isn't omniscient narrative...so there could be something in here I don't know...) Of course, it usually doesn't turn out to be a joke, and so that question is answered. The author often forgets to provide the black-cloaked stranger with any adequate motivation, though. Why does he want to warn the hero, particularly if he's the enemy? If he's a friend, why not give a more detailed and protective warning? It doesn't make any sense. The same thing happens with the villain blabbing all about his plans to the heroes just before he tries to kill them.

Give your people who do reveal or withhold information an adequate motive.

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