Just In
for Exhale

12/5/2006 c1 31none of burt's beeswax
wow. the story. this was actually painful to read. it kind of made me sick. i think it had been from the boy's pov, i would have cried. but still, i think that sinking feeling in my stomach really attests to the feelings this poem is able to evoke. uh, the picture painted here is distressing, but i like it.
11/10/2006 c1 71Basnirka amaterka
This is really not bad at all! In fact it's very good, original in its form - and honest. Feels like a documentary movie. Very vivid. Imagine then a break up after three years of a relationship - and read some of mine latest, and be ready. I'm being cynical here, of course. With respect, M.
9/27/2006 c1 8squiggle-line

I came across this from SunnyOblivion's favorite list. And...wow. I love how you separate speech, thoughts, and actions from each other. I also like how you make it obvious that not only is the situation difficult for the narrator, it's difficult for the person being addressed too. Nice balance.

The 'bang' at the end and the 'sniff' near the middle seem a little out of place. While it is understandable that the narrator would be sniffing...I don't know...sniff is just a word that sounds strange to me. 'Bang' seems a little too much when you follow it with the more appropriate 'exhale.'

Favorite line (lyrical): "Vietnamese restaurant, bare feet"

Favorite line (structure): "fuck Fuck, (Fuck!)" I'm not usually one for cursing but there's something about those lines that conveys a frustration that could not be conveyed in any other form.

Very nice.
8/12/2006 c1 14mindOFdeliriousUNREST
this is really well written. i like how it's broken up. the way you bolded what yo were saying and leaft what you were thinking and feeling plain or in italics made it easier to read. this is really good.
8/10/2006 c1 94smile persephone
Very expressive and powerful, especially with the poem's display. I love the many layers of this poem. Nicely written!
8/10/2006 c1 9alittlebitabsurd
I love the honesty in the parantheses and the font changes from words to thoughts to descriptions.
8/10/2006 c1 48chocohound
Figured I should check this out, especially after your great review of mine. I really liked this. I found that it covered a lot of bases. It had the words she was speaking, along with her thoughts, and the actions she's doing. It expresses a lot, in only a few short sentences. I think you did the parenthesis very well! The emotions of the break up are great too...all the memories, and why it happened. It hink my favorite lines were the counted days and minutes. Great job!
8/9/2006 c1 1playing.with.scissors
I love that. It's great. I'm wondering though, is this from the guy's viewpoint of the girl's? I'm kinda getting the feeling it's from the girl's... Anyway, LOVE it!
8/9/2006 c1 4SunnyOblivion
It was funny (my reaction, that is), I held my breath and my heart was beating so fast when I was reading that. And then..."exhale" and I did. It was really good. It felt like my first break-up, the thoughts (I might not care if you dropped off the face of the Earth). So well written and heartbreaking for both sides. Well, I felt bad for both sides.

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