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10/1/2006 c7 4dessertfirst
So short...can't bear short chapters...

Anyway, hooray! I was afraid this was going to be something where she lived dirty in the streets, becoming more animal than human, until fifteen years later when she meets her brother and he doesn't recognize her and all the other members of the family died. But it looks like it won't be!

There's nothing at all wrong with that plot line, but I'm expecting something a little more original from you.
10/1/2006 c5 dessertfirst
Aw sad...I thought some of the family would have to die, but I don't know about her losing all of them.

Qualifying again: "I ran as if my life depended on it, because it did." That robbed the scene of some of its urgency. Maybe "I was running for my life" or something like that.

Anyway, I have to go read the next chapter, because baby I am hooked.
10/1/2006 c4 dessertfirst
Oh, wow, this story is so good! I would expect this kind of writing from a book I buy...

The only problem I see is that you're doing a little too much...hmm...qualifying. I'm thinking of the woman at the gate. You shouldn't have put "who she couldn't find." This seems clear, and if it wasn't, how would Sri know? Later on you say "the woman from the gate who couldn't find her son." All you need there is "the woman from the gate" since you only mentioned one woman anyway.

There are only these tiny things I can find wrong in here.

By the way, thanks for the note in your profile. I can tell you put much effort into the names; they have a consistency to them that you don't exactly get with name generators. I was just wondering if you were influenced by Flewelling (and may I strongly recommend her). Guess not, though! ; )
9/5/2006 c8 1ChiefO
Hey, well I like the story. Very well thought out. Have you on my fav list because of "best damn battle" but apearantly you can write in both 'tounge in cheek' and drama...

Just thought I would let you know that we are reading.

Chief
9/5/2006 c5 12Lccorp2
Harr.

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-"I began to shove through the straggling mob on the bridge." Extremely hard, and almost impossible if she's the sickly, thin little girl you portray her as. Then with people having the risk of being trampled (see your own previous chapters, then go look at some muslim piligrimages, especially the one to mecca. People often can and will get trampled underfoot by others.), it should be pretty much impossible to move against the flow.

-Wait, so her quarter of the city isn't on fire yet? You're leaving a bit of information out when I need it to make judgements...oh well...

-"I was ecstatic. I had done it! I couldn’t wait to get back to Per, to hold the necklace up in front of her. Her eyes would brim over and everything would change. She would treat me like a sister, and it would be her braiding my hair when it came undone instead of Tejir. And they would never treat me like a child again after this, never."

Or more realistically, they'll scream at and berate her for being so stupid. XD

-A gun? Please remember that by having certain objects in your world, you institute that your world has certain ideas, objects, and discoveries in place. You have guns. That necessitates some form of gunpowder, skilled enough people with the tools, technology and techniques to create small moving parts. It also requires some basic metallurgy and that metal be fairly cheap and readily available.

I've read fantasies where there were castles but no one knew how to wage a siege, where people stayed year after year on the same land but knew nothing of basic fertilizer or crop rotation (in use as early as the dark ages in europe, albiet a crude form and no one understood how it worked), and the such.

Harr.
9/4/2006 c8 11EldestMushroom
What I loved about this chapter was how you effectivly portrayed how surreal the situation is to Sri. I would normally try to point out what didn't work in this chapter, but I couln't find anything. Maybe I'll reread it.

Can't wait for the next update!
9/4/2006 c4 12Lccorp2
Harr.

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

A roof garden? This is going to be really hard to pull off in a supposedly low-tech world like yours. I can understand flowers and herbacious plants might be grown in pots, but a tree...you'd need to cart up soil, then have considerable amounts of water, not to mention fertilizer...and this doesn't seem like it's near a river...it just MIGHT work, but your characters are going to have to work extra hard to have a roof garden.

-"I didn’t know why – the pavement was still warm from the sun,"

Are you SURE? After some sleep? If it's an arid area, double that-the nights can get quite cold due to lack of cloud cover. There should be no reason for the road to be warm at night from the sun some time after sunset.

-"It was a sudden decision of mine – an impulse, impossible to deny: “I’ll get them,” I said quickly, then turned and ran."

Your character has just demonstrated considerable stupidity. Impulse does not excuse rushing into death, and I don't care how young she is...now, stupidity's not a bad thing, and goes towards characterization...but I wouldn't expect a sudden about-flip...
9/4/2006 c2 Lccorp2
Harr.

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-A ball made of hide and filled with stone? That'd be rather uncomfortable for you humans to throw around...in medieval times for your world, humans might have used an inflated animal organ, such as a pig's bladder...but not a rock...

Even bowling balls are hollow.

-"“You can’t. You’re a girl.”"

...

...

*Places mark of Careful Watching on this character*
9/3/2006 c3 4dessertfirst
I don't have time to read the rest of this story (just finished 3.2 at the moment, but I assure you I will when I get the chance.

This is *very* well-written; it shows a writing maturity far beyond what most fictionpress writers have yet to achieve (I include myself here). For example, they are always cutting their verbs off with a killing "slightly" or "kind of." (That was a little off-topic, but it is something that really bugs me.)

Some of your names for things remind me of The Bone Doll's Twin & sequels by Lynn Flewelling, e.g., Skala is the kingdom there and Ki is one of the main characters. Have you read those?

You are developing your world nicely, with puri and Tekats and all. Just remember to remind us who your characters are in the future, as with "my uncle Sef said" because I for one am a little confused as to who everyone is.

Keep writing!
8/23/2006 c4 22Agent Firefly
Man! I knew this was going to happen but I was still hoping it wouldn't. You wrote this scene beautifully-it's very suspenseful, and I can imagine the child's horror at everything she is seeing.
8/23/2006 c3 Agent Firefly
This was an intense chapter with an intense ending. Now I have to keep going!
8/20/2006 c3 hello
criticism with a hacksaw, hahaha. maybe l8r. this is okay iw ill sure read more
8/14/2006 c2 Agent Firefly
You've created such a charming world in this exposition. The hint that it's all going to change is dreadful and exciting at the same time. I love how you've given these characters such distinct values within their ethnicity and family line. It paints a vivid picture, using only smaller stories of an innocent, basically untroubled childhood, just through things like the dialogue between characters. I don't know if that made any sense, but it's my response to this chapter and I'm sticking to it.
8/13/2006 c2 1XXangel.fireXX
Wow, this is extraordinarily well written I have to say! Well done on that. And the story is good. I like the beginning. It's hard starting, but you had me hooked straight through!

Keep writing,

SUKI
8/11/2006 c1 22Agent Firefly
Wow. I love this. I hope that is enough encouragement to keep you writing, because that is all I can say. :)

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