for Darkened Sanctuary8/13/2006 c1 
9rvtolentino
hiya CrimsonNightingale! im back, if you still know me. because i have some time now i checked out this story which looked to be much better than the last one i've reviewed. don't get upset that this review is only for chapter 1, but you'll see that i review as i read along.
okay here i'm reading the prologue (chapter 1 in FP). "Even the Angels wouldn't care and they were supposed to be pure with all this gentleness, just a stupid myth." this is somewhat awkward or sounding like a little off, so i can suggest that you like rephrase it. like this: 'Even the Angels wouldn't care; even their supposed purity and gentless is just a stupid myth.' anyhow, just rework the sentence and it should be fine. ^^
just a comment on the same paragraph. "Moments seemed like hours. Seconds seemed like days..." there's nothing really wrong with here but i wanted to share something. i had a professor once who insisted that a "moment" is roughly equivalent to two seconds. anyway, just something to think about.
"She flung up." what did she flung up? her blanket, or herself? nothing wrong with his, but i think it needed some elaboration.
"She sighed a disheveled sigh." if you noticed you used the same word 'sigh' in the same sentence, and even a short one at that. as this is easily considered redundancy i'll advise you to rephrase it again; drop one of those sighs. XD
okay chapter one (chapter 2 in FP). "known as Dyse, it can only be found in the deepest part of..." while trailing off is okay in character speech and acceptable in narration as long as it evokes some sort of emotion, the use of trailing thought here only served to mark the entire thought as incomplete. usually trailing-off (as i termed it LOL) is used in narration for dramatic effect, for example: "He read it... and read it, until his eyes were tired" but not while giving information about something, which you've done here. complete the sentence.
"Agitation rose as the woman tapped her fingers topped off with that dark look of plotting, plotting something nasty." i don't see anything wrong, but it sounded wrong. probably with that 'topped off' part, which i think needed modification to 'agitation rose as the woman tapped her fingers, topping it off...'
"Now I have to spend 5 years in the pokey, or is it 10?" try to make the 5 and the 10 spelled out, as it's a little inappropriate to use numerals in writing. although this might not be the case always-it's impractical and stupid to spell out 57,998,772,910, for example-the written form of a number always takes priority over writing a numeral, unless it's specifically depicted as having a numeral itself (for example the chapter is called "Chapter 2")
"Yasheka knew Kalona doesn't have squat." i think 'didn't' is more apt than 'doesn't' as your narration is generally in past tense.
the stick-thin men gave me a laugh when i understood what you were trying to say. you have quite an odd sense of humor. though you might want to edit that part as the wording is a little confusing.
"as she apruptedly stopped..." seems to me like this should be 'abruptly'.
the last two paragraphs all had repeated instances of the word 'thumping'. nothing wrong, actually, it's just that the word goes stale quickly after being used once, so try to think of a synonym or a related word for more variety. use a thesaurus for example.
on to chapter two (chapter 3 in FP)!
"They walked silently down the damp, musty hallways. Not noticing how the gloom surrounded them or how a strange fog clung to their feet." the second sentence is a fragment, so you might consider dropping the period after 'hallways' and attaching a comma there instead, so this one becomes a good, expressive sentence. on the same paragraph "...you would of gotten lost forever" should be like 'you would have gotten lost forever'.
"So you framed and I can’t ask either Eon or Kalona, interesting. Here’s another question, why would they frame you and for what? You don’t seem very high up the latter." suggestion-'So you were framed...' and the 'latter' here seemed to mean like 'high up the ladder'.
interesting development at the end of chapter two, though.
as for the overview this is much better than the first one i've reviewed, and which actually fulfilled at least some of expectations for it. while not all of the points i've covered before have been corrected fully i was glad to see that you've improved on a lot of points, and even just for that you deserve some praise. your writing style, while still barebones in some parts (read: only SOME) and you tend to end your chapters quite abruptly, at least keeps things interesting although there are times that i think you were not motivated enough to write-which resulted in sentences that kinda lack substance or conviction. your detail is slowly improving, though... and wait, there's a 'high-tech computer' in Heaven? LOL.
this feels like some office powerplay in progress at first, so i hope you continue to flesh out the entire world and advance the plot further (and tell us what's the deal with the prologue, as it seemed to have no connection at all with the next chapters aside from Shayla). i will stand by and watch your progress. XD
~DD
9rvtolentinohiya CrimsonNightingale! im back, if you still know me. because i have some time now i checked out this story which looked to be much better than the last one i've reviewed. don't get upset that this review is only for chapter 1, but you'll see that i review as i read along.
okay here i'm reading the prologue (chapter 1 in FP). "Even the Angels wouldn't care and they were supposed to be pure with all this gentleness, just a stupid myth." this is somewhat awkward or sounding like a little off, so i can suggest that you like rephrase it. like this: 'Even the Angels wouldn't care; even their supposed purity and gentless is just a stupid myth.' anyhow, just rework the sentence and it should be fine. ^^
just a comment on the same paragraph. "Moments seemed like hours. Seconds seemed like days..." there's nothing really wrong with here but i wanted to share something. i had a professor once who insisted that a "moment" is roughly equivalent to two seconds. anyway, just something to think about.
"She flung up." what did she flung up? her blanket, or herself? nothing wrong with his, but i think it needed some elaboration.
"She sighed a disheveled sigh." if you noticed you used the same word 'sigh' in the same sentence, and even a short one at that. as this is easily considered redundancy i'll advise you to rephrase it again; drop one of those sighs. XD
okay chapter one (chapter 2 in FP). "known as Dyse, it can only be found in the deepest part of..." while trailing off is okay in character speech and acceptable in narration as long as it evokes some sort of emotion, the use of trailing thought here only served to mark the entire thought as incomplete. usually trailing-off (as i termed it LOL) is used in narration for dramatic effect, for example: "He read it... and read it, until his eyes were tired" but not while giving information about something, which you've done here. complete the sentence.
"Agitation rose as the woman tapped her fingers topped off with that dark look of plotting, plotting something nasty." i don't see anything wrong, but it sounded wrong. probably with that 'topped off' part, which i think needed modification to 'agitation rose as the woman tapped her fingers, topping it off...'
"Now I have to spend 5 years in the pokey, or is it 10?" try to make the 5 and the 10 spelled out, as it's a little inappropriate to use numerals in writing. although this might not be the case always-it's impractical and stupid to spell out 57,998,772,910, for example-the written form of a number always takes priority over writing a numeral, unless it's specifically depicted as having a numeral itself (for example the chapter is called "Chapter 2")
"Yasheka knew Kalona doesn't have squat." i think 'didn't' is more apt than 'doesn't' as your narration is generally in past tense.
the stick-thin men gave me a laugh when i understood what you were trying to say. you have quite an odd sense of humor. though you might want to edit that part as the wording is a little confusing.
"as she apruptedly stopped..." seems to me like this should be 'abruptly'.
the last two paragraphs all had repeated instances of the word 'thumping'. nothing wrong, actually, it's just that the word goes stale quickly after being used once, so try to think of a synonym or a related word for more variety. use a thesaurus for example.
on to chapter two (chapter 3 in FP)!
"They walked silently down the damp, musty hallways. Not noticing how the gloom surrounded them or how a strange fog clung to their feet." the second sentence is a fragment, so you might consider dropping the period after 'hallways' and attaching a comma there instead, so this one becomes a good, expressive sentence. on the same paragraph "...you would of gotten lost forever" should be like 'you would have gotten lost forever'.
"So you framed and I can’t ask either Eon or Kalona, interesting. Here’s another question, why would they frame you and for what? You don’t seem very high up the latter." suggestion-'So you were framed...' and the 'latter' here seemed to mean like 'high up the ladder'.
interesting development at the end of chapter two, though.
as for the overview this is much better than the first one i've reviewed, and which actually fulfilled at least some of expectations for it. while not all of the points i've covered before have been corrected fully i was glad to see that you've improved on a lot of points, and even just for that you deserve some praise. your writing style, while still barebones in some parts (read: only SOME) and you tend to end your chapters quite abruptly, at least keeps things interesting although there are times that i think you were not motivated enough to write-which resulted in sentences that kinda lack substance or conviction. your detail is slowly improving, though... and wait, there's a 'high-tech computer' in Heaven? LOL.
this feels like some office powerplay in progress at first, so i hope you continue to flesh out the entire world and advance the plot further (and tell us what's the deal with the prologue, as it seemed to have no connection at all with the next chapters aside from Shayla). i will stand by and watch your progress. XD
~DD