4/2/2012 c13 B
Sooo... Which kingdom do they rule?

8/12/2009 c2 15Lily Among Thorns '98
This is very interesting. I look forward to reading more. One critique that I would mention is verb tense. In reading this chapter, it seems you switch from past to present. i.e. "The pheonix mermaid smiled as she..." but there is also "...Herito, a boy with an unusually quick mind, is nearing the end..."

Most fiction is written in past, because when you tell a story of what has happened to you, you usually tell it in past tense. 'this happened, and then this, and then they did that, etc.'

Newer writers have begun writing in all present tense, but it's not always accepted and has a sense of urgency.

The biggest thing is consistency, to always use the same tense from beginning of the story to the end (with the exception being what the characters say in dialogue).

Hope I didn't overwhelm you, but if you need anymore explanation on what I was trying to say, lemme know.

God bless! And keep writing for Christ!

4/27/2008 c13 12l3g3nd
Haha interesting story you've there. It's cute, really. :P

Anyway, happy writing. Keep up with your good works!

8/29/2007 c13 19ihrtbks
Well-written, with an engaging plot. I enjoyed! A bit sparse though, describe a little more, go a little slower. Don't switch your tenses up. This story shows a lot of potential!

*CLAPS*

8/14/2007 c11 jenny
i love your story its really cool.



heres some cookies from me.

8/9/2007 c1 I can't finish a single story
I read the prologue and i think you have a good idea, but i am having trouble visualizing it. Try to add more detail.

your friend,

I can't finish a single story

7/31/2007 c10 15Velorien
Your writing is ambitious in terms of story, which is good, and you've put some thought into your background in terms of magic and history - and a coherent setting is always your friend. I also like your puns, but try to keep them subtle - "Saphrubia" is excellent, whereas "Elementa" is a bit too obvious given all the elemental magic, and breaks suspension of disbelief.

Unfortunately, a proper account of the ways in which I think you can improve is rather too long to fit in a review panel like this (though I'd be happy to try and put it into a PM, if yours were enabled, or an e-mail). In short, take your time over your writing. You definitely have good characters, so establish them gradually instead of skipping years at a time. Give us a paced introduction to a new character rather than rushing to tell us what they say in a given incident (for instance, we meet Susan from Chapter 1, but only find out who she is in a casual reference in Chapter 6). Spend more time describing magical training - the effort and the gradual refinement of skills (a great chance to use your own imagination as to what learning magic might be like; make JK Rowling green with envy). And consider realism - for example, can you imagine any real-world king writing such a direct and informal letter as yours do to each other, or a servant girl casually asking a prince personal questions?

Finally, be pedantic about your English. Make sure punctuation distinguishes thoughts, words and descriptions from each other. Brush up your comma use (advice I would give 90% of the population). Perhaps use italics instead of underlining for emphasis (underlining reminds people that they're reading text, rather than immersing themselves in a story). Oh, and proofread. Seriously, you don't want to use "you" instead of "your" regularly if you're aiming for professionalism, and you really don't want to talk about "Lard Mike" (another character who is never really introduced).

Keep writing, and keep working to improve yourself, because I can tell you that my first fantasy stories easily had as many problems as yours. Let me know if I can be of any further help.